Open eyes, Open heart

A couple of months ago, I was offered a wonderful opportunity. If I accepted it, I would be paid to go around 5 cities in the Philippines to interview members of Amnesty International for an advocacy video that my friend was producing. The only problem was that I would have to miss nearly two weeks of school. I tossed and turned about it, feeling so conflicted about what my focus was. Was it school? Was it life? Was it necessarily one or the other?

In my journal, while trying to decide, I wrote:

"But isn't truly living and having outstanding memories a better pay-off than (just) being successful? Still at the forked road and I still cannot seem to decide. At some point in my life story, I know that I will have to choose: to jump off the bridge and see if I will fall or fly - maybe now is the time?"

I jumped. And I flew. And oh, the things I saw!

Taking in the sights (and bites!) of Cebu!!!

Clockwise: Me in front of the one of the Sto. Nino Church, a curious (and surprised!) couple at the park, setting up audio for the interviews, Deng running in front of the Fort San Pedro, Zubuchon!, and Deng's "pig" face

Lovely Dumaguete

Clockwise: One of our delicious seafood dishes in Lab-as, us walking around the Silliman grounds, a strange   but lovely bench along the boardwalk, three old men who reminded me of my dad (and a shipwreck!), the idyllic boardwalk view

the charming Silliman University in Dumaguete

Colorful Zamboanga

Clockwise: the beautiful and architecturally interesting airport, the super-funky trike and the very demure ladies of Zambo, a knickerbocker during sunset by the beach, Zamboanga sunset, me and deng looking stoked, Curacha!!!, and the top of the Zamboanga City Hall

Sights from Cagayan de Oro and Davao

I wish I had more photos of Davao and Cagayan de Oro! I don't know why I don't. Baaaahhh.

Easily the best decision I've made all year. Here's to bigger, bolder leaps!

Encountering my 16 year-old self

Image from here.

1:16 AM

I spent the day doing much of nothing, all I achieved was attending class and taking a whole day to finish something that usually takes me about 2 hours to finish. And then I wasted the day refreshing Facebook and group-buying sites scouring for deals that will enable me to have a semblance of a life that I can (not really) afford.

I wanted to save some part of today, have it not be a waste. And so I decided I wanted to write something more fun – less of a task to check off my list (though I’ve been doing pretty okay in that aspect, save for the exercise and eating better). An ever present thought in my mind is that I am turning thirty in less than 2 months, and contrary to what I had imagined, I am not the success I thought I was going to be. But what am I, really?

I know there is a more comprehensive list of dreams that are lying around, but this is one that I take from when I was 16 years old. It was part of a scrapbook project for PROSEC (a personality development class) and when I had run out of album space to fill, I started writing on a sheet of paper all the unspoken dreams that I could fit into it.

Here they are:

·        I will be a consistent dean’s lister (must qualify: College, not law school)

·        I will graduate with latin honors

·        I will be able to buy myself a pager – not check, but I’ve been able to own so much more! Haha how very 90s of me to dream of a pager

·        I will learn how to drive –  I am an awesome driver!

·        I will impressively decorate my room – Needs work!

·        I will be the lead singer in a band – okay, this needs work. Maybe I can jam with a band?

·        I will find a good and God-fearing husband – hmm. A nice date to start, maybe?

·        I will be a good mother – again, let’s start with a date, any date! HELP.

·        I will be an obedient daughter – When does being obedient end?

·        I will bring my parents to wherever they want to go – okay, so not check. But there’s still time!

·        I will work for a well-known communications company – I did, until I realized how much I hated advertising

·        I will progress fast – hmm.

·        I will send and pay for my brother’s schooling – didn’t think I’d be broke till now

·        I will take up law in the college best for me – check? But I really wanted to go to the other school initially + I failed the bar

·        I will be a leader in YFC - check

·        I will get myself a blowdryer – never got one BUT bought myself an Instyler AND my parents gave me one for Christmas (pero mehn ang babaw nito haha)

·        I will get a CD player – check! Haha how funny I was at 16

·        I will team lead in a camp – never did.

·        I will star in a play – never did.

·        I will play piano – there are days when I feel like I still could.

There you go. An insight into a dream and the reality that came with it. I know there’s really no time limit. For my thirtieth birthday, I would just like to begin and approach it with an aura of gratefulness for everything that I’ve dreamed and made happened, and even those that didn’t.

What I Must Learn To Do

"And then I learned, most important, to write while not writing. Without jotting a word, I wrote all day long with my eyes and ears and mouth. I didn’t learn boundaries—my office space where I can think, versus my real life. It was all one life, one blur. In a way, because my actual time at the desk was so limited, I learned to write all the time—even in my sleep. And so when I got to the desk, I wrote madly. It all came fast."

- From the writer Julianna Baggott, who has written 16 books in 3 different genres

It seems as though the lesson that keeps getting impressed on me is to continue trying. To write even when I can't. To live even when I am uncertain if it is worth it. To hope even without knowing if it is within the realm of possibility.

how to be single

i just finished reading a book entitled the same way, and im not quite sure how i feel after reading it. this post is not going to be a review, but for most part a general wondering of why i felt the way i did while i read the book. it is essentially a 38-year-old woman's journey around the world in search of how other women of the same age are single.

this book felt relevant to me because, in my entire 29 years of life, i have never ever been with somebody. i always wonder why that is, and it asked a lot of the same questions that i ask of the world when i wonder why it is that so many great women (excluding even me) are single in the world right now.

i suppose if i could answer that question, i wouldnt be single now, obviously. but i take the blame for some of it (or all of it even) for practically encasing myself in bubble wrap away from the world. i dont go out, and when i do, it is to meet single girlfriends. a lot of the time, when i do go out, i am already in my head deciding how the evening will be playing out, and somehow in spite of my best-ever intentions, i play the role of the saddest, most single, uncouple-able girl in the world. too often, even as i get dressed i wonder why bother? who will be looking at me when my hotter, thinner friends are around. countless friends tell me i am only comfortable and up to my antics when there is no danger of being discovered by someone else. why is that? is it because i am so afraid of performing in front of a new audience? of being booed off the stage? of being told i am in way over my head?

i dont know if i am to be comforted by the thought that even at 38 years old, single women around the world feel as lonely and as hopeless as i do. i reveled at characters, who refuse to settle for anything but the fluttery feeling of being in love. i suppose, even in life i am that way. many have called me "flaky" because of my apparent inability to stick to things. not first jobs, nor second jobs. while i cannot identify with specificity what it is i am passionate about, it is always rather clear to me what i cannot fathom; not bad behavior, not joyless texts, not arrogance, not self-righteousness. am i single because i am the same way about love? i know i cannot rehash past relationships to find the answer; i have had none, to be honest. i have been hiding from the world, waiting for an appropriate time to live. it feels like such a waste, really. maybe in treating myself more like a product waiting to be tweaked to perfection, i am holding off on my "launch" into the world until i am certain that i am sale-able. maybe this is where the book's LOVE YOURSELF ending comes into play. i am uncomfortable because i could not. in my loneliness i often dream of escape - from my life and from my body; only to be brought crashing down by the notion that i have to be happy here first (in my life and as me in my body) before i can even begin to run. is the lesson that i will never be as perfect as i dream i could be? but then i am brought back to the question i often ask of myself as i look into mirrors day in and out: can anyone ever love me as i am now? all questions, no answers. it made me uncomfortable at seeing how blank my life really is compared to what i imagined it would be as a young girl, when i still allowed myself to dream.

the dream

I used to always say that Christmas is my favorite time of the year. In fact, I love it so much that I start making new Christmas music mixes in January. Except that this year is turning out to be so different from what I expected it would. I feel so paralyzed with fear this year.

And so whilst in Christmases past I would make lists of Christmas gifts I wished people would give me, this year, because I don't really feel much like celebrating, I would just like to put out a few dreams into the universe.

The thought came to me as I was talking to a friend, talking about dreams. And I realized I've been rattling off dreams anyway - might as well say it out loud.

There is the dream of someone else. I heard this from You've Got Mail, obviously, but hearing it over and over again struck a chord in me again - giving me a sense of hope that I just haven't met him yet. But he exists. Someday, we will cross paths.

There is the dream of living somewhere far from here.

There is the dream of waking up and going to bed without having done anything other than your own agenda.

There is the dream of discovering the thing that I love to do. Of shaping my days into exactly the way I dream it could be.

There is the dream of being truly known by someone.

For all its worth, even as I am pondering the idea of selling out momentarily, I do believe these dreams can come true. In my lifetime, even. I really hope I wake up to them and that by then they won't just be dreams.

sunday slowdown

I'm sitting in my room, with the sunlight streaming in mildly through my yellow curtains. Harry Connick Jr. sings soulfully in the background, and though I am here trying to get through a book on taxation I keep thinking to myself how much I enjoy Sundays.

Saturday carries with it the pressure to be epic, and then it brings heart-breaking disappointment when you do not spend it getting trashed on a dance floor somewhere, grinding with some strange and exotic person, partying hard because you are not that kind of person, really. though i sometimes wonder how it would feel to be that kind of person for a day, for me even the most enjoyable Saturdays are very much like my Sundays, slow-paced and leisurely, filled with good food, coffee, actual conversations and restful moments.

It sometimes makes me wish I lived in a time when even weekdays were this slow, when we weren't so distracted being pummeled by ads and shows and stores and the new-fab-weekend-thing-to-do left and right, and days started slowing down at 6, and people had actual conversations and not just phone calls and texts in transit.

i have this image of a perfect sunday somewhere in my future. me, cooking pancakes and grinning at the laughter of happy little children in the background, and feeling that everything is finally, enough. so much enough that the world can afford to stand still and if that were the last moment ever I would not have anything more that I could wish for.

oh sunday. look at what you do to me. let us just watch clouds and enjoy the moment, shall we?

turning dreams into reality

it is no secret that i am more often a pessimist than i am an optimist, and more often than not when I think of my own dreams I get caught up in my own net of "but" thoughts, putting realism in between me and my visions, taking me farther and farther away.

my dreams range from the fairly simple (like going to a really expensive restaurant), to whimsical (like being taken out on the date of my life), to incredible long shots (like graduate studies in a really good university), but for the most part, they have all been within the realm of possibility.

today, I read an article about "real life" superheroes, and it gave me a different perspective about dreaming and making your dreams come true. these people dreamed of becoming actual superheroes, and impossible though that may sound they never let pessimism or even frivolity get in the way of becoming what they dream. and so they run around in New York city donned in suits and masks and capes and do the work that superheroes do, in their own little way. They don't have superhuman powers, to be sure, but what they do have is superhuman will to do what they dream of doing, no matter what it takes.

and all of a sudden, my dreams don't seem so impossible, because if anybody can be a superhero without being carted off into the looney bin, then I can at least try to believe that I can achieve my dreams.

the full story about real life superheroes is here.

dream away!