how to be single

i just finished reading a book entitled the same way, and im not quite sure how i feel after reading it. this post is not going to be a review, but for most part a general wondering of why i felt the way i did while i read the book. it is essentially a 38-year-old woman's journey around the world in search of how other women of the same age are single.

this book felt relevant to me because, in my entire 29 years of life, i have never ever been with somebody. i always wonder why that is, and it asked a lot of the same questions that i ask of the world when i wonder why it is that so many great women (excluding even me) are single in the world right now.

i suppose if i could answer that question, i wouldnt be single now, obviously. but i take the blame for some of it (or all of it even) for practically encasing myself in bubble wrap away from the world. i dont go out, and when i do, it is to meet single girlfriends. a lot of the time, when i do go out, i am already in my head deciding how the evening will be playing out, and somehow in spite of my best-ever intentions, i play the role of the saddest, most single, uncouple-able girl in the world. too often, even as i get dressed i wonder why bother? who will be looking at me when my hotter, thinner friends are around. countless friends tell me i am only comfortable and up to my antics when there is no danger of being discovered by someone else. why is that? is it because i am so afraid of performing in front of a new audience? of being booed off the stage? of being told i am in way over my head?

i dont know if i am to be comforted by the thought that even at 38 years old, single women around the world feel as lonely and as hopeless as i do. i reveled at characters, who refuse to settle for anything but the fluttery feeling of being in love. i suppose, even in life i am that way. many have called me "flaky" because of my apparent inability to stick to things. not first jobs, nor second jobs. while i cannot identify with specificity what it is i am passionate about, it is always rather clear to me what i cannot fathom; not bad behavior, not joyless texts, not arrogance, not self-righteousness. am i single because i am the same way about love? i know i cannot rehash past relationships to find the answer; i have had none, to be honest. i have been hiding from the world, waiting for an appropriate time to live. it feels like such a waste, really. maybe in treating myself more like a product waiting to be tweaked to perfection, i am holding off on my "launch" into the world until i am certain that i am sale-able. maybe this is where the book's LOVE YOURSELF ending comes into play. i am uncomfortable because i could not. in my loneliness i often dream of escape - from my life and from my body; only to be brought crashing down by the notion that i have to be happy here first (in my life and as me in my body) before i can even begin to run. is the lesson that i will never be as perfect as i dream i could be? but then i am brought back to the question i often ask of myself as i look into mirrors day in and out: can anyone ever love me as i am now? all questions, no answers. it made me uncomfortable at seeing how blank my life really is compared to what i imagined it would be as a young girl, when i still allowed myself to dream.