elles_ore: how's the shower?
sophia: siyempre nakakadepress
sophia: maraming happy family and god crap.
sophia: mga marriage ewan
elles_ore: bakit depressing?
elles_ore: ah oo. hehe
sophia: at yung nanay mas mukha pa akong buntis sa kanya
elles_ore: di bale
elles_ore: kung andun din ako, tayong dalawa ang mukhang buntis
sophia: hay.
sophia: nakakalungkot talaga
sophia: kasi parang brady bunch yung family nila
sophia: alam mo yun
sophia: parang siya never pa nahirapan sa life niya
sophia: everything na maganda nangyayari dun sa taong yun
elles_ore: hah...nakakainggit yang mga ganyan
sophia: tapos yung last na sabi sa kanya ng husband niya (kasi 1 year pa lang sila married) "i have felt more loved in the past year than in the entirety of my 29 years here on earth."
elles_ore: while i live in boredom sa law school
sophia: leche leche leche leche lecheelles_ore: wow....tears
sophia: tapos feeling mo never na mangyayari sayo yan noh?
elles_ore: hm oo
elles_ore: actually
sophia: parang may mga tao na anak ng diyos tapos may mga tao na hindi
sophia: tapos ganun na lang yun forever
elles_ore: true
sophia: bakit kaya ganun
elles_ore: ah....actually dati akala ko rin anak ako ng diyos
elles_ore: that was before law school
elles_ore: bigla kong naisip, matter of perspective lang
sophia: yun yung iniisip ko lagi
sophia: pero hindi eh
sophia: meron talagang taong maswerte
elles_ore: hah?
sophia: nang basta basta lang.
elles_ore: oo totoo
sophia: tapos ganun na sile forever
sophia: oo noh
sophia: pero even outside of law school
sophia: yung isa ko pang friend, ganun din
elles_ore: talaga?
elles_ore: hm...
elles_ore: siguro mali lang ang field kung nasaan tayo
sophia: oo no
sophia: as in yun, nagagawa niya lahat ng gusto niya
sophia: lahat ng lalaki na namimeet niya nanliligaw sa kanya
sophia: yung mga gago napapabait niya
elles_ore: talaga? wow...
sophia: tapos sobrang okay pa yung work niya
elles_ore: hmm...okay a
sophia: as in paganda na lang siya ng paganda everytime
elles_ore: talaga...hm...nakakainggit naman
sophia: oo noh
sophia: kahit na ayaw mo mainggit parang ang hirap
elles_ore: oo
elles_ore: pero ia di ba perspective lang naman talaga? kasi my other friends think ako naman ang anak ng diyos
elles_ore: pero i'm far from it
sophia: i always used to think that
sophia: alam ko a lot of people think anak din ako ng diyos dahil comfortable kami, asa law school ako, etc.
sophia: pero maraming beses ang hirap pilitin yung sarili mo na isipin yan
sophia: i feel...unlovable.
sophia: yun.
sophia: siguro thats why i go through life like this
elles_ore: talaga? bakit naman? alam mo i read somewhere
sophia: parang the only one who is interested in looking out for me is myself.
elles_ore: na we send signals to guys
sophia: i dont know what other signals i can send to guys.
elles_ore: guys only look out for us if we would allow them to look out for us
sophia: feeling ko every signal i send out is screaming "love me! love me!"
elles_ore: baka you're not sending signals
sophia: tapos nagtatakbuhan sila lahat in the other direction
sophia: like im this squid who will kill them
elles_ore: to me, parang everyone thinks you're fine with the way you are
elles_ore: siguro nga sabi mo kasi conservative ka
sophia: feeling ko everyone thinks im weird
sophia: in a desperate kind of way.
elles_ore: hah? i think it's the other way around
elles_ore: you make people feel that you don't need then
elles_ore: them
elles_ore: and that you're fine on your own
sophia: ha? sophia: pano mo naman nasabi yun?
elles_ore: okay lang maging vulnerable, ia. the real you is attractive. you refuse to sow it
elles_ore: show
sophia: alam mo minsan i feel as if im the neediest person
sophia: tapos if hindi ko pigilin yung sarili ko matatakot na sakin yung mga tao.
elles_ore: feeling ko talaga minsan you on't need anyone or anything
sophia: talaga? kelan? papano?
elles_ore: ako na to a
elles_ore: ewan ko. you send that aura
sophia: for me, its a constant struggle.
sophia: i had to teach myself to rely on only myself kasi wala naman nagkaka-interes dun.
sophia: parang when im vulnerable i get transported back to high school again when i was the only girl who wasn't asked if i needed help carrying my luggage. hahaha. one fo the most traumatic memories.
elles_ore: i think transparency is the key word
elles_ore: i used to be that tough
elles_ore: pero when i showed people what i really felt, it took some time, but everything went well, i think
sophia: i dont understand.
sophia: you really felt what?
elles_ore: na i need someone
elles_ore: na i need someone like this
elles_ore: the surprising thing is, i tend to draw in people i really like
elles_ore: pero marami pa ring problema after that
elles_ore: ibang story na yun
elles_ore: but at least, sa part na yun, oo.
sophia: ako feeling ko naman, no one wants to see.
sophia: no one asks.
sophia: even when i attempt to be...uhm. vulnerable.
elles_ore: you were never vulnerable
sophia: so i just keep to myself.
elles_ore: i never felt you were ever vulnerable
sophia: what? i feel vulnerable everyday.
elles_ore: when i know you are vulnerable, i see that you drive people away
sophia: like everyone sees right through me. kaya they distance themselves.
elles_ore: nope. i think they distance themselves because they know it will be a futile attempt
elles_ore: kahit kami nina mel, kapag alam naming hurting ka, natatakot lumapit
elles_ore: either ma-hurt ka namin, or makadagdag lang kami
elles_ore: it's not bad to let people see you're hurting
sophia: but im hurting because of them.
sophia: and how can showing that be good?
elles_ore: hm...hindi lahat ng tao causes pain
sophia: feeling ko whoever gets interested in me sees me as some sort of charity case that they have to take
sophia: naaawa sila sa akin, naguiguilty, nawi-weirdohan.
elles_ore: hindi naman dapat nirarationalize ang interest. kung ano man ang dahilan,hindi yun ang nagmamatter
sophia: well, no one is ever interested din naman
sophia: which is why i get so preoccupied trying to make myself interesting
elles_ore: but still, hindi yun ang nagmamatter. that we know
sophia: wondering what i can do different.
elles_ore: you are interesting!
elles_ore: promise
elles_ore: you only refuse to be a subject of interest
elles_ore: promise
sophia: nung isang araw, nag-uusap kami nina mel tungkol sa "obsession" ng mga tao
sophia: nagsimula yun sa pinag-usapan daw ninyo.
sophia: tapos naisip ko yung obsession ko, yung reinvention ko of myself.
elles_ore: a oo
elles_ore: o tapos
elles_ore: is that bad? hindi naman a
sophia: kasi feeling ko hindi ko maabot-abot yung version ng sarili ko na magiging acceptable sa mga tao.
sophia: kaya kahit ang dami ko na nasubukan, hindi ako makasettle down and feel okay about it.
sophia: kasi hindi ko ma-achieve yung nagagawa ng ibang tao.
sophia: not literally
sophia: but just the fact that they are able to find people to bond with (men and women alike)
sophia: ako i always feel as if im on the outside. even with us
sophia: parang, theres this private joke that i can never be in on.
sophia: and i dont know what i have to do to be able to get in on the secret
sophia: yun yung feeling ko about all my relationships
sophia: the sad thing is, the only relationship i felt was never like that was the one i had with my father
sophia: and ironically, wala na rin yun.
sophia: kanina sa shower, yung dad niya was saying na from the moment na he saw her pagkalabas niya sa womb
sophia: he felt like he loved her so much already. even without her doing anything, even if she hadnt done anything for him to be proud of, he was willing to die for her
sophia: my dad cant even stop. mas okay pa sa kanya na wag na kami mag-usap habang buhay.
sophia: here i am again exhibiting my neediness.
elles_ore: i understand
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