at a different time, in a different place
Friday, November 13, 2009
so I am back from hawaii, and in spite of my depression at my exam taking skills i find myself energized, i find myself more excited to start my days. i am singing in the shower again, interested in how i look before i get out again, am getting the hang of waking early again. new improved days...here i come!
beware of your fear says the cat. hahaha. happy weekend!
posted by sophie @ 2:58 PM,
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catching cabs
in an episode of Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw compared men and marriage to catching cabs. According to her it didn't matter who the girl was, all that was important was that you would catch the man who had "his light on", so to speak. If a girl were so lucky as to catch a man when his figurative marriage light was on, then married they would be. Whereas a girl could ride around forever with a man whose light was off and no matter where you went or how long it took it was bound to end in disaster.
i always thought this was a lot of baloney until i had this conversation with a friend and her husband. while they did say they were in love NOW, THEN, when they first met he already knew he was ready to settle down and had already made several attempts to get married to several other girls before actually getting married to his wife. it had taken them all of 10 months to meet each other, get into a relationship, get engaged, and get married. another friend took about 7 months from meeting her husband. when i asked a guy friend when and why he decided that he was going to marry his girlfriend (now his wife) all he said was that he felt he was ready and he could see himself married to her (note that he didnt say he couldnt see himself married to anyone else).
this makes me wonder whether these matches are fortuitous or merely coincidental, just a case of being in the right place at the right time. but then again, isnt all of romantic love like that? i get confused sometimes.
but it also makes me wonder, if, after all these years of chasing after cabs I am meant to realize that it is me whose light is turned off. and on another note, it also gives me hope that it can really truly just sweep you off your feet when you're not looking. my cousin received this very random phone call at work from a stranger (who eventually became her husband) who had been urged by her ninang to call. it gives me great joy to ride in the backseat of their car and watch them drive in silence holding hands and telling jokes when they think i am asleep. i am so happy for her. and i am hopeful for me.
Labels: musings
posted by sophie @ 7:33 AM,
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value
Saturday, October 17, 2009
this week my mom celebrated her Nth birthday. We had a big dinner with most of my extended family members. We always have some to-do like this when there are occasions, but to me, they are rather impersonal. It makes me sad that we don't take birthdays too seriously here in my family, extended or otherwise.
I love birthdays. If it were up to me we would celebrate them for a whole entire week. Maybe because I feel (these days more than ever) that getting through a day is torture enough. Getting through a whole year and being alive to celebrate it should be cause for more than just greetings and a cake.
In Gilmore Girls, one of my most beloved shows, they celebrate birthdays in the most wacky and endearing ways. It starts with mallomars spelling out Happy Birthday on the coffee table, together with the most perfect personal gift, and a kickass party filled with people whom you actually want to see. Where they do not feel burdened by your invitation, do not feel burdened by having to get you a gift. Who not feel burdened by taking time out of their day to celebrate with you. I want so much to genuinely celebrate people's birthdays, and people's lives. Maybe at the moment that is the only value I can offer to anyone.
Labels: musings
posted by sophie @ 9:41 AM,
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survival
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
So I am writing this in the aftermath of one of the worst calamities to hit our country in years. And for the first time, I actually know of people who suffered the horrible fate of losing everything because of this tragedy. Well, everything material, I suppose. In that sense they (my friends who lost their homes) are more lucky because while they lost everything they are all safe.
It got me to think about whether or not I had it in me to survive a tragedy. Not just this one, but any one in particular. I'm not sure I do. I just finished reading this poignant book by Anna Quindlen, and one of the entries which struck me the most is the entry she wrote about her mother. She wrote:
"We're different, those of us whose mothers have gone and left us to fend for ourselves. For that is what we wind up doing, no matter how good our fathers, or family, or friends: On some deep emotional level, we fend for ourselves. The simplest way to say it is also the most true - we are the world's grownups. 'No girl becomes a woman until her mother dies' goes an old proverb. No matter what others may see, or she herself thinks, we believe down to our bones that our mother's greatest calling was us; with that fulcrum to our lives gone, we become adults overnight.
x x x
Sometimes, missing my mother, I lose track of whether I am missing a human being or a way of life. Our mothers only slowly become people to us, as we grow older and they do, too. But for years and years they are both more and less than that. First they are warmth and food and an inchoate sense of security, then cheerleader and overseer, then finally listener, perhaps even friend. Our family was a wheel; she was the hub. Without her we fell apart, a collection of sticks. We've knit back together, some of us, as adults, but it has never really been the same.
There is something primitive about this love and this loss. What does it mean, to sleep beneath the heart of another person, safe and warm, for almost a year? No scientist can truly say. but it must have some visceral power that we cannot really understand, only intuit. She was the only person who ever loved me unconditionally. That was her great gift, too. It has been the bulwark of my life, has made everything else possible. When I can see myself refracted through the rosy lens of my mother's love, it melts the self-doubt and brings to life the tiny sanctuary lamp of confidence.
x x x
It's been twenty-five years, and I can even joke about it now, in a macabre way. I refuse to go and see what I call "dead mother movies"; I can watch Terms of Endearment when it comes on television until Debra Winger goes to the hospital, and then I'm out of there. I only go to my mother's grave when I attend family funerals. I don't see the point; she's not in there. She's in me, the way I was once in her, only not as tangible. Inspirational books would have us believe that that is sufficient. That is such utter nonsense that my lip curls just writing the words. Because here is the final thing about having your mother die: You never, ever get used to it. You want her back. Or at least I do."
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I am lucky that I still have my mother, though I never really felt like I had her in the way some of my friends do - to brush their hair and share secrets to and go shopping with and talk about boys with - but she is my mother. And she has been a mother to me. Despite my pessimism, she somehow manages to pray for me and tell me to eat my vegetables and see potential even when I am being the laziest oaf in the world. I don't know how I would survive without her. I don't know how I would live without her. At the moment, I suppose, I feel as if I can survive any tragedy apart from losing my parents. Anything but that.
Labels: family, mom, mothers, musings, tragedies
posted by sophie @ 10:03 AM,
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incremental steps
Monday, August 03, 2009
these words, i know ive always heard or read about even before i went to law school. but they were burned into my brain after our first class in legal method, where, while we were attempting to understand vandevelde's article [thinking like a lawyer, i think], my good friend izzy made mention of these words. they got her 1) the first respectable recit in our method class, and 2) a coveted grade to go along with the respect of our method professor.
i don't remember why these words were significant to our discussion. i don't even remember how they were used. but i always remember them when i am pressed for quick fixes to all my seemingly complex problems. too many cases to read? take incremental steps, one case at a time. worry about finishing the coverage later. (this i learned very late in my law school life, unfortunately - only now, during my [hopefully] second to the last semester). i have absented many classes and foregone the task of finishing the coverage because of my perpetual fear of reading and reading and never making a dent in our assigned materials. too many things on my to-do list, tackle them one task at a time - even when you dont get to check all of them, you at least have the pride in accomplishing most or even some of them, making for a productive day. ive approached my bedside reading list in the same way, as of late: before, it used to be that i would read a chapter and then forget about it till months later, when i would have to reread even the last few pages that ive read. now, a month after ive assessed my reading progress, i was giddy to realize that ive read 3 books since then. this to me is a major achievement. i am finally reading the way i want to - in part because of my newly developed speed reading abilities (hehehe cramming does have its perks), and partly because of this incremental step mentality.
which gets me to thinking: if i can begrudgingly drag myself through the pain that is lawschool, why can i not literally take one step at a time and get on the road to fitness finally? hmm. i will have to get my head wrapped around that i guess.
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on a completely unrelated note, our former president corazon aquino died last saturday, and while everybody is celebrating her life, you can really sense a feeling of loss when people realize what her dying means.
i was very young when the edsa revolutions took place, but my parents both trooped to edsa in their yellow shirts and told me all about how this woman corazon aquino restored democracy to our country. i had my yellow shirt and my doll, and i think i was even taken to edsa (when it was less dangerous, and more celebratory). i sat on my father's shoulders and i saw the millions troop to ayala and celebrate the fall of mr. marcos.
i can see how affected my parents are because of the death of cory. to be sure, when she was alive they did not always agree on her policies and opinions, and they were very vocal about the subject. but one thing that they always agreed on was the strength of her character. she was humble, convicted, faithful, and honest. some blamed her for her overt reliance on religion to steady her, but at least amidst all doubt at her policies we never doubted what kind of person she was. she always had the country's best interests at heart, guided by what she thought her God would think was best, to be sure. if i can say that at the end of my life,
last night my mom and i were watching parts of one of her many televised interviews and she spoke about how destiny was instrumental in making her the first female president in asia. she said ninoy had always planned on becoming president but fate would not let it happen. this gets me thinking, if fate is an integral factor, then am i still here in law school because of fate, or because of fear for lack of a better option?
nonetheless, i am applying this incremental steps idea this sem. one case at a time, one day at a time. hopefully, someday soon, i will have finished through all of this, a changed person.
posted by sophie @ 7:25 AM,
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random burst of happiness
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
these past few days have been nicely busy - spent on dinners with friends at random pleasant surprises like tickets to a great concert, surprise hangouts with friends, and even a surprise settlement in favor of my client! it makes me feel somewhat normal in spite of my downward spiral into depression.
today i am happy because instead of being in negotiable instruments class i am sitting at home writing this blog post. AND i am happy because i am meeting up with sanne and mel and carrie for dinner at one of my favorite places.
last night i was happy because kris treated mel and i to great seats at the boyz II men concert and we sang (well i did, mel just looked NR hahaha) our hearts out, sometimes with matching actions.
and i am also happy that one of the cases I worked on for OLA was successfully settled in our favor. it makes all those nights that i worked on my pleadings so worth it. and even that dreadful day when i had to brave the storm to drive to ortigas, get my pleadings signed by my SL, and find an open post office before 5PM. It makes me feel good to have done something good in a substantial way. parang kahit papano, may pag-asa pala for me in the legal world.
im just quite happy this week. this is a good day.
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on a completely different note, mel and i were exchanging mom stories yesterday, as we were both touched by 2 unrelated events with our moms.
mel, who will be leaving for japan in 2 days, told me about her mom's shoes which she always uses because it goes with everything. after unsuccessful efforts to find her similar shoes in her size, jokingly told her mom that she would be bringing them to japan with her. and her mom agreed! *tears* i know how hard it is for women to part with their shoes. unreplaceable ones even!
and now for my story. my mom bought these yummy crispy shrimp that taste like chicharon. my brother eats them like potato chips, so they ran out pretty fast. yesterday at breakfast i saw her eating them and i asked if meron pa. she told me ubos na so I started looking for other things to eat. and then she started picking out the shrimp from her food and she put them on one plate to give to me. *tears* i know they were her favorite and kahit na ubos na ibibigay niya pa sa akin yung isusubo niya. aww. i told her she should have them of course. but a touching story nonetheless.
hugs to you!
posted by sophie @ 8:32 PM,
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muddy
Sunday, July 19, 2009
i feel...stained. no, soiled. whatever word you might have for someone who is irreparably damaged, that's how i feel. last night i felt it when i was driving home without no place definite to go.
i feel so...weird. so awkward with my place in the world. i think i may have made it next to impossible even for my closest friends to understand whats been going on in my head.
i resent so many things. i resent that i am always "the token black guy-type person" in every group i join. i resent that when i hang out with people from college there is this sinking feeling i get because i am the only one who has never been in a relationship, never dated anyone serious, never goes out with anyone insignificant, and it has become apparent that law school is not the only reason for my aloneness. i resent that i am the one who was left behind, the one who cannot get over her past, the one who was "once pretty", the one who once had so much going for her. i resent how i am always the one who initiates, who tries to understand but always comes out as the one who has to be humored, to be understood.
maybe it is only a matter of time.
posted by sophie @ 8:36 AM,
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ill say it if no one will.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
i am the ugly girl you meet on the street.
so congratulations on being thinner, prettier, less pathetic, less everything-gross-and-morbid-that-you-would-never-want-to-be.
can we move on now? hmm. why can't i? why???
i am tired. again.
posted by sophie @ 9:42 AM,
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love love love
i havent thought about this in a long time. well, not that i havent thought about it at all, but lately i havent had the time to feel sorry for myself for never having fallen in love still.
i DO always think about it, but no longer often enough to still believe that it applies to me. and today, i stupidly saw a marathon of movies that had cheesy sappy love as their central theme and it got me thinking again of what it is that needs to happen so that i can finally say that i have loved someone, anyone, at least once in my life.
is it like jeopardy where i have to ask the right question in order to win? and if so, would any of these be the right question?
is it me?
what am i doing wrong?
are there really just people who are destined to be single forever?
would my life be less of a life if i died never having experienced that kind of love?
but then even with all those questions i wonder if it is me who is doing something wrong. if it has anything to do with the way i look, or how i live, or how i think and act and say the things that i do. why are there some people who just trip and find themselves in the middle of romantic entanglings?
dear universe, is it me? if it is, please give me a sign as to what i am doing wrong so i can fix it. kahit isang beses lang.
posted by sophie @ 9:04 AM,
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