alive.

I have been feeling so strange these past few days. I couldn't place what it was that was wrong, yet I have been walking around with the strangest feeling in my gut, that churling (churning and wanting to hurl) feeling that you get when you left something important at home, or when you remember that you had something to do but didn't. But I couldn't figure out what it was.

With my life being particularly uneventful (about a hundredfold more than it usually is), I feel like I am slowly degenerating into nothingness, and it just occurred to me yesterday that this is my body's way of telling me that, contrary to my belief that I am slowly morphing into a zombie, that I feel so much despite doing so little is the Universe's way of reminding me that I AM STILL ALIVE.

Perhaps, this could explain the overwhelming sense of emotion I get when I watch movies, or hear songs - I get this feeling of wanting to stand up and run as fast as I can, away from this fort I have built around myself. Now that I have finally succeeded in separating myself away from the rest of the world I sometimes feel so cloyed by having myself as my only companion. It's ridiculous how the only way I get to feel things now is by listening to songs or that my source of connection to humanity lies in tapping into the lives of fictional characters.

And all throughout this immersion, I get that gnawing feeling, reminding me that I forgot that this isn't how life is supposed to be. Maybe one of these days that gnawing feeling will actually prompt me off my seat and give me courage to dive head first into everything I've been steeling myself against.