so i found myself going to 2 different weddings in two different provinces during this whirlwind of a weekend.
weddings for me are very tricky. i find myself very much conflicted between feeling happy that i am single and then dastardly that i myself have no marriage prospects. (or rather, feeling dastardly at having to explain to the kindly aunt, friend, or tita who inevitably asks me when my turn will be that i am not really in a hurry to get married - NOT IN THE LEAST BIT).
to be honest, even though i am "at the marriageable age", those who have known me in recent years know that i have since shed my rose-colored glasses and am, for the most part, deathly afraid of marriage. sure, the wedding is the fun part, and whenever i am at one it is but normal for me to look around and compare how my own (if ever) wedding will be. but i suppose all girls do that, and it harks more to my party throwing desires than to have a wedding, to be honest. but it's the after the wedding that i can't shake. what do you AFTER? forever?
it's just that while i don't condemn those who dive in head first into marriage (or question their judgment even), i cannot imagine being married without the safety net that is divorce. maybe i am a pessimist, maybe i am a realist, but i do believe that people who are miserably married shouldn't have to stay together forever just because they are (married, i mean).
i realize that it is this notion of "forever, for better or for worse" that makes marriage such a romantic undertaking - the thought of choosing to be with your partner regardless of the incidentals is surely noble, to say the least. but is it practical? of the few things that i know to be true in my life, the fallibility of man's judgment rings certain. change, be it in the form of circumstance or personality, is another. i am not saying that every marriage becomes miserable at one point later in the day, or that there are no people who find themselves in happy and lasting marriages for the entirety of their lives. but life is too short for you to devote your life to someone so unlike the person you first fell in love with. at least that's my opinion.
but i digress. being faced with this paranoia about marriage always brings me to this question while i sit at weddings: feeling the way i do about marriage, do i still believe in true love?
ironically, i would have to say i do. and though i protest at the fact that we are one of only 4 (or 2? ive lost count) countries in the world without divorce, my being invited to weddings in spite of this lack is the best proof of true love i suppose. that people are willing to bet their whole lives that the person they chose to marry is one that they will love and be loved by forever, without any safety nets or easy outs, is the best evidence that true love exists.
and so when friends decide to marry, i will put on my dress and put on my face and put on a smile and celebrate. celebrate the fact that in spite of my cynicism, and although i am ruled by fear, in my universe there are still times that true love wins over fear, and that i saw it live in my lifetime.
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