In Search of the Next Big Thing

I spent a good part of today working. Working on invitation designs and program flow proposals for my debut client. Not studying my lessons, not reviewing important subjects. Doing work completely unrelated to law. Today being a Saturday, one of my few free Saturdays at that, I wondered why I wasn't making better use of my time. Answer: with everything else that I am doing, I feel like I still have to pencil into my schedule my neverending search of the next big thing. Or in my case, my first real big thing.

Now being 27, hence, there being many, many years after college, I find it quite frustrating to realize that I have yet to find a calling, a purpose, or just a place in an industry where I feel quite at home. Even everyday mundane activities such as planning my day or watching the TV reveals to me how some of my colleagues are already on their way; some are even already there. (Case in point: watching TV I saw my former boss back in the spotlight as the new EIC of a new magazine; planning my day I discovered that a friend was with some of our friends shopping for office clothes for their new careers as full-fledged lawyers. Obviously, they have found their calling. Obviously, for them, the search has ended, and real life can begin.

The process of marriage and babies and rearing children and growing old together and getting wiser with age. Of knowing that you are where you are supposed to be.

I suppose, for me "real life" has been the constant searching for a place, and who's to say that that isn't a life? But when will it be my turn to say, "Ah, it's time to settle now. Here." I know there are people older than I am who are in limbo in the same hellish way, but it gets to be such an uncomfortable place. And the view from where I stand isn't getting any prettier.

The only wisdom I can offer from being in this part of my life is for you (anyone who feels the same) to have enough faith and hope to see what tomorrow will bring. Perhaps the next step will be the one that leads you to your BIG THING. Perhaps its this post. Whilst writing this indulgent nonsense I like to think that someone out there is benefiting from my musings.

When I dream sometimes, I get a vision of what I imagine my "real life" would have been, if things were ideal: me cooking pancakes on a Sunday morning, listening to the sounds of my little children laughing outside; having coffee and reading the Sunday news with my husband. We have a pool, we have bagels, we have easy banter. When I think of that I smile.

coming and going

a few of my nephews are spending their summer vacation here at our house, and i couldnt be happier. apart from the fact that they are very kind and well-behaved children, they are extremely funny and i quite enjoy hearing anecdotes about them from my brother who has taken to being peter pan to their lost boys. the sound of activity and conversations going on in our house is a welcome change. the boys playing practical tricks on one another or just being competitive at their various sports games is a sound i will miss when they do go back. i will miss our tv time when we all sit on the couches watching american idol or csi and our ice cream nights and merienda afternoons. but i think the thing will miss most is hearing them singing late at night while my brother plays guitar. it makes me feel a bit like i am in the sound of music (one of my all time favorite films). hearing them all singing with so much feelings really brings a smile to my face. i am happy that my brother is finding the company that i think he so desperately needs. when he is with them i dont have to worry about what he's doing or thinking, and i know that he tries his best to become a better role model to such impressionable boys.

this being said, as i was thinking about their stay i got to thinking about my general disposition during trips. i am the type of person who hates packing for trips. even when i am just deciding what clothes to bring and sifting through travel books and sites to get me more motivated about leaving i feel an intense sadness because i know i will miss my room. it's my world, really. but when i do leave and i finally get settled in the place that i go to, i find that mustering up the motivation to go back to my old life gets quite difficult too. nearly every trip ive taken has had me feeling this way. losing myself in a new place seems so natural to me for some reason.

this made me realize another thing. as i am about to begin my fifth year in law school, i find that i have not felt settled in yet. is it me trying to hold on to the last vestiges of my old self? or is it just the feeling of knowing that this is someplace i am just passing through, but not staying at? as i am (hopefully) about to make the steps needed for me to leave, i feel no connection, no lingering desire to stay. no wistfulness at the things ill be leaving. these have been the most painful and humbling five years of my life.

i feel as if i never even unpacked my suitcase here in law school. weird. i went in thinking these would be the best 4 (5) years of my life.

beauty vs the beast

so last week i was chatting with several of my relatives and someone piped in saying that the best way to charm guys was not by being extremely hot but by being extremely nice.

it sounded quite simple but to me quite untrue. as someone who has been single for the entirety of her life, my problem had always been getting someone to actually look at me before i could ever get to be nice to them. and so for the majority part of my 20-something lifetime, my focus had been on becoming better-looking, at the very least.

this whole becoming nicer concept is completely lost on me.

but this morning, as i was sipping on my second cup of coffee, it hit me: what if i had been approaching things completely wrong?

perhaps extreme niceness really was the key?

hmm. must. give. this. more. thought.

wisdom and wit

today as i was on my way out the door, i realized that i am already 27 years old. its weird. i certainly dont feel like im 27. i know i am not where i thought i would be at age 27. hell, when i was in college i believed i would make my first million after i turned 25. and here i am, at age 27, moseying on along, trapped in the mundane inanities of being a nobody doing nothing. today i am fuming about having no agenda of my own.

it upsets me that my day is filled with chores for other people, yet i cannot complain because apart from this i have nothing more to offer at the moment. only my driving skills and my bodily presence at our family's place of business. my skills are quite useless, my mind's presence is somewhere else, cooking up arguments for my paper on sustainability.

i knew there were a million places i would rather be, things i would rather be doing, but deciding to go do what i was asked to do was the most "27" thing i could do. i wonder if that is good or bad.
some days, i question whether or not this desire to become something else, to make something else of myself (apart from the "future lawyer" project i am on at the moment) is the last trace of my old self raging against "the man". sometimes i get frustrated at people when i try to explain that i complain this much because i feel in my heart this is not what i am meant to be doing.

i am afraid that to give in and conform will eventually mean that i grow up and lose my unique streak. that thing that will secure my rise above mediocrity. that thing that i was waiting to discover this whole time.

but i am also afraid that in my waiting for brilliance to hit me i will have missed out on everything normal in life.

sometimes i do not know if i have enough strength not to sit down and cry when people look at me and see nobody. sometimes i wonder if in my pursuit of legalese i have lost my wit. sometimes i wonder if all my bad decisions are irreparable.

i feel so alien. so removed from the world. so unable to connect to anyone.

i find, at 27, that i know nothing. i want to run away.