wisdom and wit

today as i was on my way out the door, i realized that i am already 27 years old. its weird. i certainly dont feel like im 27. i know i am not where i thought i would be at age 27. hell, when i was in college i believed i would make my first million after i turned 25. and here i am, at age 27, moseying on along, trapped in the mundane inanities of being a nobody doing nothing. today i am fuming about having no agenda of my own.

it upsets me that my day is filled with chores for other people, yet i cannot complain because apart from this i have nothing more to offer at the moment. only my driving skills and my bodily presence at our family's place of business. my skills are quite useless, my mind's presence is somewhere else, cooking up arguments for my paper on sustainability.

i knew there were a million places i would rather be, things i would rather be doing, but deciding to go do what i was asked to do was the most "27" thing i could do. i wonder if that is good or bad.
some days, i question whether or not this desire to become something else, to make something else of myself (apart from the "future lawyer" project i am on at the moment) is the last trace of my old self raging against "the man". sometimes i get frustrated at people when i try to explain that i complain this much because i feel in my heart this is not what i am meant to be doing.

i am afraid that to give in and conform will eventually mean that i grow up and lose my unique streak. that thing that will secure my rise above mediocrity. that thing that i was waiting to discover this whole time.

but i am also afraid that in my waiting for brilliance to hit me i will have missed out on everything normal in life.

sometimes i do not know if i have enough strength not to sit down and cry when people look at me and see nobody. sometimes i wonder if in my pursuit of legalese i have lost my wit. sometimes i wonder if all my bad decisions are irreparable.

i feel so alien. so removed from the world. so unable to connect to anyone.

i find, at 27, that i know nothing. i want to run away.