a few of my nephews are spending their summer vacation here at our house, and i couldnt be happier. apart from the fact that they are very kind and well-behaved children, they are extremely funny and i quite enjoy hearing anecdotes about them from my brother who has taken to being peter pan to their lost boys. the sound of activity and conversations going on in our house is a welcome change. the boys playing practical tricks on one another or just being competitive at their various sports games is a sound i will miss when they do go back. i will miss our tv time when we all sit on the couches watching american idol or csi and our ice cream nights and merienda afternoons. but i think the thing will miss most is hearing them singing late at night while my brother plays guitar. it makes me feel a bit like i am in the sound of music (one of my all time favorite films). hearing them all singing with so much feelings really brings a smile to my face. i am happy that my brother is finding the company that i think he so desperately needs. when he is with them i dont have to worry about what he's doing or thinking, and i know that he tries his best to become a better role model to such impressionable boys.
this being said, as i was thinking about their stay i got to thinking about my general disposition during trips. i am the type of person who hates packing for trips. even when i am just deciding what clothes to bring and sifting through travel books and sites to get me more motivated about leaving i feel an intense sadness because i know i will miss my room. it's my world, really. but when i do leave and i finally get settled in the place that i go to, i find that mustering up the motivation to go back to my old life gets quite difficult too. nearly every trip ive taken has had me feeling this way. losing myself in a new place seems so natural to me for some reason.
this made me realize another thing. as i am about to begin my fifth year in law school, i find that i have not felt settled in yet. is it me trying to hold on to the last vestiges of my old self? or is it just the feeling of knowing that this is someplace i am just passing through, but not staying at? as i am (hopefully) about to make the steps needed for me to leave, i feel no connection, no lingering desire to stay. no wistfulness at the things ill be leaving. these have been the most painful and humbling five years of my life.
i feel as if i never even unpacked my suitcase here in law school. weird. i went in thinking these would be the best 4 (5) years of my life.
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