plans

what is it about this phase? it feels like an out of body experience. i wonder if everybody who takes time off from living feels like this. as days pass i wonder if inspiration will hit me, and try to figure out how it will hit me, and so i run myself ragged trying to read and watch and see and live. i always imagine that inspiration of what i am to do with my life will hit me when i am doing something fabulous, something wonderful that when i look back on it will make me sit up and say 'hey, i remember when i knew that i wanted to rule the world - it was after that third glass of merlot i had when i was picnicking with logan (current fantasy male who lives inside my head).

but it is so far from that. i feel like even now, as i am forcibly derailing myself from life as i knew it, i am derailed from my plans of derailment altogether. mainly because life as it turns out (or my life, to be more specific) is very rarely ever that glamorous, and more particularly, because real life requires real things like money and routine for it to be, well, livable. so rather than running off from trip to trip and discovering my life's purpose whilst sipping a mimosa on some beach somewhere, i lock myself in my room day in and day out - reading, writing, watching. and then when i am reminded of something wonderful and try to remember when it happened, i realize that it didn't actually happen to me, but to some fictional character who lived it in a book or in a show that i was just fortunate enough to watch. is it all life that's dreadfully boring, or is it just my life that is? shouldn't books and shows be reminding me about my life and not the other way around?

how is it possible that i have lived more through fictional people this year than through my own flesh and thought?

which gets me back to my frustration at planning. in my head there should be a line that indicates when my transition period begins and ends. that there should be some sort of guidepost that tells me when i have succeeded and when i can move on to the next thing. does it not work that way? am i to just jump in, head first into everything and say goodbye to the dream of organized progress? i wonder. maybe i should. for all the good it's done me, i have gotten practically nowhere waiting for a plan to form in my head. indeed, maybe, i should just do, and then plan around what happens after that.

maybe it's time to be alive again. alive in a chaotic, social world that contains someone other than me. just the thought of it makes me extremely terrified.