harboring thoughts

at this point, i am thinking about...

...quitting law school. but where would i go? and is it just a knee-jerk reaction to the happening of undesirable things?

...becoming a rebellious child. a little late at 23, but i feel like ive been following orders all my life.

...moving out of the house. partly because im thinking about quitting law school and partly because i want to be a rebellious child. a part of me just wants to prove to myself that i can survive without being given money and only on the skills that i have. the american dream except that i am stuck in manila. but hopefully away from the critical eyes of my mom and dad.

...becoming a smoker. because i don't know how else to make myself be thin. AND it would also mark the beginning of my imagined rebellious streak. hitting two birds with one stone is always a plus.

...going into a nunnery. allows me to move out of the house, not go into law school AND, be closer to God which is my secret wish. (see past post) plus, under the habit who cares how fat i am? maybe, like my professor said during my LAE interview, going into religious orders will allow me to help even more people than if i were a lawyer (only then i would be praying for all the dirty lawyers of the world). those close to me more than others.

...becoming a lesbian. ah, no more need to justify why i am not with a guy, PLUS i get to be rebellious. oh, sometimes i just wish i were. much easier to be a bitch.


...putting up a business. but i have no business know-how and no capital to begin with. maybe i can waitress during the day.

...becoming confrontational all over again. ive been keeping everything bottled for so long already. maybe i should just say the first thing on my mind and snap at everyone who gets in the way. old maid my ass, you're an old pervert with no hair and no reputation to speak of. i want to turn green and break someone in half.

...throwing away my cellphone. while it has been a great help, it brought on the horrors that i am suffering now. maybe losing it will have its perks. no one to ask me where i am. plus, if all cellphones were gone, then maybe philandering husbands and wives would have nothing else to communicate with discreetly. stupid people who can't control themselves.

i feel so impotent. it sucks that i can only rant about things here and not be able to do anything about it. feels like theres no choice.