grooving

i feel somehow that i have never been a student ever. i think this is the first time that ive had such little determination to study. i dont remember what compelled me before to study, so now, this week especially, ive allowed myself to whittle little by little into nothingness. not studying, watching reruns of the OC and one tree hill and jerry maguire and everything else half-decent on air.

today, i have made a resolve not to watch tv except for news. officially grounding myself. i will see if it works.

funnily, apart from that, nothing has really happened.

i suppose even last weekend, the things i have attempted to do are all in the hopes of getting my groove back.

it was an amazing weekend.

spent the day with joanne in makati, got a haircut, had a good lunch, bought some shirts, and talked about law - where joanne wisely told me to try and separate my feelings from my motivations. just stop thinking about how and i feel and just go ahead and do it. i said i would try, but three days after, nothing has really been read, and i go to class shaking to the core at the thought of being called. i literally almost threw up in the room out of sheer panic that i might get called.

saturday night was even better. my yfc friends slept over, we had dinner and we worshipped and we talked and for a few hours i felt like my life was perfect all over again. i actually forgot that i was in law school. saw it as something funny. liked the way i thought and spoke again. liked that i was praying again.

sometimes i go to school, and sit in class and talk to my blockmates and i feel like i am the stupidest person on earth. the topics they discuss and the opinions that they share are not ones that ive thought about, and i have this desire to bolt quickly in a different direction. do i just avoid it because i dislike it? or have i developed a habit of not thinking about important things for the sole reason of me not liking them.

to all who read this, please please please pray that i get my groove back. i really do want to feel comfortable in law. comfortable with my books. not scared of reading them and discovering that i am actually stupid.

suddenly suprised to find out that i am smart after all of this confusion.

i hope so.