conversations.

I just realized I hadn't been having any. These past few months were supposed to be an exercise in self-deliberation, yet I am frustrated to say that I have failed in this goal to deliberate for myself what I am supposed to be doing. True to form, i seem to be merely shape-shifting into whatever is needed of me at the moment. And so I have spent much time servicing others' agendas, then being too exhausted to even think of my own. The most that I can attribute to moving forward with goals is that I have been reading a lot more of the things i so wanted to read. And in a sense, honing my mind into writing - though I resent that the writing I do is often not for me - if I didn't so need it, I wonder if I would indeed get up to the task of writing what I wanted to in the first place?

But I digress. In this book I am reading, a gift from a friend in Australia, I find so many beautiful examples of conversations that are so simple yet engaging. I know this book is a work of fiction, but there is a part of me that wishes that somewhere in some way, shape or form, these conversations have been had. The book is called The Powerbook by Jeanette Winterson. It is a collection of erotic short stories about a (ironically) shape-shifter who sells experiences. I was surprised to realize that it was slated to be largely erotica. But I found myself fascinated not with the sensual stuff but with the way the conversations between the lovers are crafted. Here are some of my favorite conversations in the book. They are of two people who meet as strangers in Paris, significant others of people whom they knew from their past. They end up becoming lovers. But in these exchanges, they aren't - yet. It is as if they are seducing each other with their wits, and I find it incredibly refreshing in our world of hypersex.

"She smiled and rested her arm around my shoulders. I tried to look natural.

Man: Are you usually so friendly with strangers?
Woman: Always.
Man: Any particular reason?
Woman: A stranger is a safe place. You can tell a stranger anything. (I completely agree with this)
Man: Suppose I put it in my book?
Woman: You write fiction.
Man: So?
Woman: So you won't lash me to the facts.
Man: But I might tell the truth.
Woman: Facts never tell the truth. Even the simplest facts are misleading.
Man: Like the times of trains.
Woman: And how many lovers you've had.

(Reading this right now I am reminded of this passage in an art piece I saw in one of my favorite books - The Art World of Richard Stine - in one painting he scrawled "Even lies are part of the truth." And so they are.)

Here is another:

Man: How many (lovers) have you had?
Woman: 9.48 (she said, sounding like a platform announcement)
Man: Was that the previous one or the one here now?
Woman: The one here now is not listed in the timetable (she refers to her lover in Paris, who is coincidentally also not the man in the conversation)
Man: What does that mean?
Woman: It means I'm married, but not to him.
Man: Then to whom?
Woman: Oh, to a man built like a dining car - solid, welcoming, always about to serve lunch.
Man: Don't you like that?
Woman: There are nights when I prefer a couchette.
Man: Is that why you're in Paris?
Woman: And there are nights when I'd prefer nothing at all.
Man: A structure without cladding.
Woman: As you get older, the open spaces start to close up.
Man:You seemed to have slipped through.
Woman: I get reckless. I risk more than I should.
Man: Have you left your husband?
Woman: No, just lied to him.
Man: Can you lie to someone you love?
Woman: It's kinder than telling the truth.
Man: Are you still close?
Woman: As close as two people growing apart can be. x x x You keep the form and the habit of what you have, but gradually, you empty it of meaning.
Man: If you feel like that, you should leave.
Woman: I still love him.
Man: You can love someone and leave them. Sometimes you should.
Woman: Not me.
Man: Well, anyway, it's not my business.

And yet another one (I could type up the whole book, actually, but I won't, of course)

Man: There's something wrong.
Woman: With what I say?
Man: With the sweet reasonableness of it all.
Woman: You want me to storm out with nothing but a tapestry and a pair of candlesticks?
Man: I wasn't thinking about your luggage.
Woman: A friend I knew did just that. Took nothing else and left.
Man: I admire her.
Woman: You are an absolutist then.
Man: What's one of those?
Woman: All or nothing.
Man: What else is there?
Woman: The middle ground. Ever been there?
Man: I've seen it on the map.
Woman: You should take a trip.
Man: And when I get there I can go round and round in circles like everyone else.
Woman: What have I done to deserve this?
Man: You're the one who talked about risk and freedom and structure without cladding.
Woman: Meaning?
Man: Meaning you just want what everybody wants - everything.
Woman: What's wrong with that?
Man: Nothing - but you have to pay for it yourself.
Woman: So I want to have my cake and eat it?
Man: That's understandable, given your history.

***

"She laughed and took my arm, holding me to her.

Woman: I like you.
Man: Why?
Woman: You want to fight.
Man: The world is my boxing ring.
Woman: Do you have to fight everyone?
Man: Only the enemy.
Woman: Is it that simple?
Man: You can be so subtle you just tie yourself up in knots.
Woman: You can be so simple you just go nine rounds with yourself.
Man: Well yes, I do, often.
Woman: What for?
Man: To stay on my toes.
Woman: You should relax.
Man: I look silly in an armchair.(haha)
Woman: What do you look like in bed?

"I was so surprised I said nothing. Then, on the bridge not caring about anyone else, she leaned forward and kissed me. A soft open kiss."

Man: This is a bad idea.
Woman: Why?
Man: You are married to one person, in Paris with another, and we're late for supper.
Woman: You only live once.
Man: You can live as many times as you like at your own expense.
Woman: So you won't buy me supper then?

"She was laughing. She laughed at my discomfort, at my seriousness. That's how I remember her, laughing at me, on a wooden bridge in Paris."

-------------------------------------
Like I said, I wish those conversations actually happened - because they are truly wonderful. Wits like these don't come by often anymore.

There are these couple of passages that aren't conversations, but I find them written so well. The imagery used is so spot on, the pairing of words so effortless. I wish time will come when I will be able to write as well as this woman!

"Inside her marriage there were too many clocks and not enough time. Too much furniture and too little space. Outside her marriage, there would be nothing to hold her, nothing to shape her. The space she found would be outer space. Space without gravity or weight, where bit by bit the self disintegrates. X X X I had heard these arguments before. I had used them myself. They tell some truth, but not all truth, and the truth they deny is a truth about the heart. The body can endure compromise and the mind can be seduced by it. Only the heart protests. The heart. Carbon-based primitive in a silicon world."

Beautiful.

2:54 AM Feb 8, 2011