aloneness

so lately ive been feeling incredibly alone. so alone, in fact, that for lack of conversation partners i have taken to using search engines communicate my aloneness to the world.

one night, i found myself typing "I feel so alone" in my browser because I didn't know who else to tell, and I didn't know who would care to hear me rant, really. I came across this website that allowed people like me to be together in our aloneness, and for a while, that was enough. it gave me a sort of touchstone kind of a sentiment, where when i felt alone i would write to someone, anyone - a long lost friend or one i regularly correspond with. it gave me the greatest high to reach out to people and tell them how wonderful i thought they were. and then, the feeling would pass.

today, i feel the same kind of aloneness, and i feel that it cripples me. i feel almost as if i get weaker to resist its darkness with every time that it sets in. earlier today, consumed by work, when i wasn't even pondering how alone i felt (i usually do), i received this run-of-the-mill prayer chain text, and for some weird reason i felt compelled to pray for people, and for those few minutes that i was praying, i really didn't feel alone. i felt like someone really was listening i suppose. that my prayers weren't for show, weren't a performance on my part, the way i usually felt before.

a bit later, as i was going through this book i came across an anecdote that told of a girl who was afraid that God would forget she was there. she was taught by her teachers that if she stopped praying fervently, constantly, on her knees, God would forget about her, and then she would wither up and die.

i have been thinking a lot about God these past few days, especially when i am alone. during rockbottom days, days when i feel like i am dying, i find myself talking to a higher power, one who is not as demanding as that little girl's God. and for a few moments i stop being alone. for that remaining stretch of road i find the courage to drive on, for those few minutes i breathe in and out and realize that today is not the day that i die of a heart attack. for a few minutes i feel as though i still want to battle on and make sense of my life.

at least, in the direst of situations, even when i am alone i am not alone. but what about the in betweens?