the holidays are usually packed with so many things to do, but i found that i seem to get a lot of thinking done over the commute...or rather, while my car is stalled in traffic and i have nothing left to do but think.
...how do you forgive someone who isn't even sorry? i suppose the only thing you can really do is to forgive them anyway. and forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive for as many times as it takes. you can't keep on being angry forever.
so I wasn't able to watch Twilight. I haven't even been able to read the book. I read someone's take on the book the other day as to why she didn't jump on the Twilight Girls Gone Crazy bandwagon. She thoughtfully pointed out that it was less about wanting to be loved a certain way, than it was about people fantasizing about being loved by a beautiful man. I thought that was very insightful. I don't want to agree or disagree with that comment (lest I incur the wrath of Edward lovers the world over) but it made me realize how far from that I am. I don't think I want to be loved by a beautiful man. It would feel great, initially, I'm sure, but I find that beautiful people sometimes (most times) get too caught up in their own looks so much that they leave their personality so far behind. Then there is nothing left to back up all that beauty. Perhaps this is why on any given day I would choose geeks over the good-looking ones (who are oh so annoyingly aware of it). There is a certain kind of vulnerability about going through the awkward teenage years as a gawky uncool person, then coming into your own as better version of that self. I think it gives a person depth, and a certain sensitivity that you would never find in the most popular boy in school, or the captain of the basketball team. It is that fragility that I find so precious, and so fleeting. Perhaps because almost everybody is trying to shed that part of their lives, that awkwardness that I find so attractive, and in the process they end up becoming 2-cent copies of their high school heroes. Then all that pain that you're supposed to grow character from is lost. Who knew that so much profound thoughts could come from pondering Twilight?
That being said, I have underestimated how good it feels to try to look good for yourself. I was thrown off for a time there, but lately I have been reveling in how quickly it can pick up your mood and change your day. So while I have become a less quirky version of myself lately, these past few days I have slowly started to enjoy dressing up again, putting on blush like a high school girl and running around in a tutu or in these extremely high heels that I am absolutely in love with. It does wonders for your morale.
So after many, many years of being single, I am still single. Sure, seeing you the other day, I was feeling a bit peculiar at finding that we are finally at that place that we said we would be so many years ago. It made me think of what would have happened if. But I am happy at where we are now. Just the way it is. This is not quite the bend in the road that we thought it would be, not now, I think, for anyone. I am still coming into my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment