ramblings at one in the morning

In my head there are so many un-ticked off bright ideas that I know I must find time to realize. And yet there lingers this nagging thought of always just having to wait...for something. For now, because I have not yet lived my way into the answers like Rilke suggests I do, it is very much like waiting to finish school and get the law thing over and done with so my real life's work can begin. I don't exactly know what that is at the moment, but hopefully it will be relevant and inspiring, and God willing, will have the capacity to change the way a person sees and lives out his life.

I remember my good friend Anna and I talking about one of the passages of Einstein's Dreams, where the author talks about how you would live your life if you knew exactly how it was going to end. Like, if you knew you were going to end up as a florist anyway, would you take the time to go through 4 years of college when you know you weren't going to use any of that knowledge anyway? I think about Isa Lorenzo, the doctor-turned-photographer who topped the medical boards and realized her passion wasn't medicine. And I wonder if I am mistaking the difficulty of going through the eye of the needle for sheer and utter dislike, confusing it for lack of passion. I think I am waiting for my passion for the law to arrive (if it still will).

Yet, I am uncertain if I have come across anything that I wanted that badly - that goal that you are faced with for which you are willing to bleed, for which you are willing to die. No, I am certain I have never felt that. For anything, for anyone.

Perhaps it is why I've become so lackadaisical in my approach to everyday.

But I am faced with another new thought today, provided by the ever-helpful Liz Gilbert, in her book where she said that Heaven and Hell are the same place. The only difference is how you get there. You can go Up to heaven and be happy all the way there. You can go Down to hell and be sad on your way down. But that place of love is the same ending place.

Add to that the new idea I learned over the weekend. Destiny is the bridge you build to get to the one you love. I've got to start checking things off that list.

You see, right now, the one I love is me. And I can't wait to cross that bridge to finally reconnect with her. Does this mean my life's work is that of a philosopher?

...on an even more random note...Alas! perhaps it is. I am, after all, named Sophia.