at dawn

i can hear the sound of his steady breathing across from me.
even with my eyes closed, even without him saying anything.
his presence soothes me.
even in the dark of almost-dawn.
my lips curl into a little tiny smile
at the thought of waking up with him next to me.
quiet breathing.
skin on skin.
warm hands on smooth backs.
he always catches me watching him sleep.
even when i don't move.
even when i don't make a sound.
he must sense my happiness at having him there.
i don't mind that he knows.
he doesn't mind that i watch.
he pretends he's asleep for a little bit longer so
i can lie there and watch him breathe.
i pretend i don't want to cry tears of joy that we are together.
the sunlight cracks its way into the dark room.
i stop pretending i don't want to cry.
a tear makes its way down my face.
glistening in the glow of early morning.
i don't want to open my eyes.
i don't want to see how he isn't really there.
morning brings the warmth that i wish came from him.
how ironic that it was much warmer before the sun rose today.
i miss him.