trying times

i was so excited for march to come. my birthday month. the summer month. days of scorching heat and lazy carefree days. but this has been the most trying month ever. i remember something a friend once told me. it was as if i had it in me to control the weather, because my mood seemed to dictate just how sunny a day would be. funnily, this past weekend has been filled with fog and drizzles. cold winds at nights when one is alone. as another friend put it last night, the winds are cold and the nights alone colder. nature conspiring against the singletons.

it seems as if times are hard for everyone around even. and despite the weight of my own problems, i suppose one has to see the silver lining anyway.

my good friend jessie barcelona, a missionary for gawad kalinga was in a car accident yesterday. it was an accident so bad that she had to be airlifted from mindoro to ust hospital and is still unconscious up to now. doctors say that a lot of nerves were damaged, especially around the eyes and we have yet to find out if she is still in the critical stage or on her way to recovery.

another good friend, diane, has been rallying her family at the heart center, waiting for results from her father's last operation to come out. he suffered a massive stroke last wednesday and has as a result a giant blood clot in the brain which has begun to water and has caused him to go into a coma. an operation to drain both the clot and the water was already done, and we are all waiting to hear if it will be enough damage control to get him out of the coma.

it is as if i keep on coming and going to hospitals. i wish i could be sick myself. but then again, at least my parental problems are of such nature that i don't have to be in hospitals, waiting for test results.

the one problem about being a girl whose identity is so enmeshed with that of her parents is that when you do undergo problems with them (i thought i never would) there's practically no one you can really tell.

so it is with this heavy weight that i wait to begin another week of this uncannily rainy march. i hope that when the monsoon lifts it will take with it my problems, or at the very least my heavy disposition. i miss being able to smile at anything. anything at all.