my theories and conjectures

today marks another day spent on the bench. spoke with pi and mel a little about my theories, and was rebuffed for both. but really, my theories do not mean to offend or to revolutionize the way others see relationship in general, or me in general.

theory number one: i have a feeling that it is i who constantly keeps on shooting myself in the foot (relationship-wise) because i feel i am not yet my best self and do not yet deserve to be happy beyond belief. in the same way that betty la fea had to be beautiful to win the guy in the end (the teleserye that launched a thousand theses), or sabrina had to be made over before she got the 2 men to fall in love with her, i guess i do not believe that i am there yet. the question: will i ever get there? i don't know. and that scares me. but the way i see it, if i were a book, and it was me on the cover, i don't think i would want to read about me. that makes me sad, but what can i do? i can't expect someone to magically be blinded and see me in this whole different light (e.g.not driven by pity) and fall madly in love with me.

theory number two: i dont believe in relationships. well, in exclusive ones, that is. feel like ive been burned by too many guys gone wandering to believe that seeing only each other is at all humanly possible. now, all i believe in i suppose is chemistry. if you guys hit it off, then well and good. if he decides he wants to see other people, then you're not as hurt. and no one has to lie about it. because none of you promised to be faithful. besides, how can you be sure that only you is enough for someone? ironically, someone's "i feel that what i give is sufficient speech" has gotten to me. but really, i think the labelling of "us" and "we" is scary. scary and presumptuous and hurtful. especially when one of you decides to leave. and you realize you were in fact never enough. never the practical choice, as sam says.

hmm. old issues. new day. i don't like this place. you don't have to agree with me, but sometimes i feel like i have no other choice but to be right.

ia la fea. today's new betty.