Monday, August 23, 2004

when i just have to hear everything over and over again

this weekend has been a hodgepodge of scenes and conversations that i have already had with the same people at different points in my life.

save for a pair of sparkly wedge thong sandals and brown ballerina flats, and movies designed to numb the throbbing pain of the midterm week, it has consistently deteriorated.

case in point: friday night, in a conversation with the lawyers from my dad's firm at UVA.

me: hirap na hirap pa rin ako mag-aral. hindi na ako nag-aaral for consti.
aimee: lahat naman tayo dumaan diyan eh.
cherry:mahihirapan ka sa finals though. kailangan mag-aral ka na
me: (in my head) eh hindi ko nga alam kung paano ako mag-aaral. PAANO NGA.

saturday morning: in a conversation with myself, as i mull over text conversations i am having with two of the people i set up.

optimistic me: am glad okay ang date nila. at least i wasn't wrong to set them up
pessimistic me: leche. so sinabi ko na nga ba nag-iilusyon lang ako nung inisip ko na sa akin siya nagpapacute before. may nalalaman pa na mga "she's a breath of fresh air" tong si gago.
me the middleman: eh alam mo naman kasi na yun ang mangyayari if i-set-up mo sila diba? alam mo naman na ganyan ang effect sa boys ni j. you knew that would happen.
optimistic: actually akala ko, they wouldnt hit it off. ang sama ko ba?
pessimistic: its like im back in high school. exactly the same. kaibigan mo ang mga lalaki pero lahat sila nagpapalakad sa kanya. so lalake ka.

at which point i had to stop talking to my other selves and talk to a real live person, in the form of mel

me: mel, why am i not the kind of girl whom guys would be compelled to take risks for?
puro sabit na lang lagi. muntik na. puro mga segurista na guys na lang (rehashed complaints from conversations repeating themselves since time immemorial)
mel: i don't know ia, i feel the same way rin.

mel actually said a lot of sensible stuff which i quite obviously chose to forget. when youre depressed there's no getting you over it.

in a conversation with debbie at 4:30 in the morning, anna's house after a marathon of sex and the city and conversations about her honeymoon.

ia: deb, im just so annoyed that i cant make myself become one of those girls. the kind who do nothing and have guys just fawn over them, falling over themselves to win her over. why? why? why?
debbie: because we are all different i, alam mo naman yan diba? i choose to see it as that. like, if i didn't act friendly towards mark, hindi siguro kami. not because segurista siya na guy, but more because until that point, he didn't think he had a chance with me.
ia: i just feel as if there's nothing in my life that im in control of anymore. para akong struggling to cover all these boiling pots.
debbie: i think the better analogy would be you, in your struggle to fill ten buckets of water, end up filling none. if you could only focus on which bucket to fill first.

i already know all of these things.

what i lack i think is sheer determination. the passion to make my dream a reality. which was aptly brought to my attention by my brother.

he wants to be an artista.

so today, against jeers from my family, and potshots regarding how he will never be good enough for it, he went to the starcircle quest auditions on his own and lined up from 6:30 in the morning till 5 in the afternoon.

he was participant number 8, 612. more than 10,000 were there.

he made it to the next level. on his own. he even paid for his head shots.

that's what sheer determination will do for you.

whereas here i sit, the "overachiever ate", not really achieving any of the pertinent things i have to do. musing about why i am here. not really doing anything.

hooboy. we've a long way to go. sabi nila, hindi naman dadali pero masasanay ka.

hindi dumadali at hindi ako nasasanay.

san ba ako talaga dapat pumunta?



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