vaccuum

whats it like to be living in a vaccuum? i suspect it would be like my life now. i keep on making the same mistakes over and over and over and just keeping on ambling on in the dark. i feel as if i can't escape this feeling of darkness. i can't see the light anywhere here in this situation.

should i have adjusted by now? everytime i hear someone say that i feel as if i might have swallowed a fish. cold and clammy inside. cannot for the life of me imagine how i have adjusted. im backtracking. its harder for me to study now than it has ever been before.

is it because the voices of duobt in my head are harder to silence, so that every shootdown is echoed, reverberating in this vaccuum? or is it just because i get closer and closer to snapping, to my breaking point, to accepting that maybe, this is really not meant for me? but where would i go?

i keep on talking to people who all have novel ideas of how to go about it, but all i do is talk. even i am tired talking about it. i feel as if when i sit down to study i forget everything i have talked about and just disregard it. like im reading something foreign and i do not have it in me to comprehend it. what if i am just wasting my parents' money staying here in law school?

i feel as if i am clutching at straws. i have lost hope of finding my rhythm, because i am so far behind. i keep on just listening to everybody without really thinking of what i am going to decide for myself, because there is no more time. no more time to think of what i should do, how i should go about it. there is hardly any time left for me to read everything i have to, let alone think about it.

i feel as if, if i can only make it through the end of the sem, i will haul my ass off to night class. for my sanity's sake. to prove to myself that i can still be good at something. this semester has been such a blow to my ego. to study and not learn, to read and not remember, to concentrate and not comprehend.

even that is a blow to my ego. fresh out of college, finding a job was never a picnic for me. how am i supposed to do it now, one year removed, and i was not exactly fantastically employed...even when i put my mind to it.

really, i feel as if all i really had going for me then were victories that werent at all victories, i was just a big fish in a very small pond, a legend in my own mind.

but will i just be a freeloader all my life? what will become of me if i leave law school? i feel as if, after much flak about who's to blame for my failures, it is i who will be shooting myself in the foot. i am my own cross. is that possible?

i feel so heavy today. literally, in all aspects. and so spiritually dry.