where am i going?

my friend just texted me that she got engaged on top of a chocolate hill tonight. and that she's getting married july of this year.

i dont know how to feel. but im upset that my happiness is overshadowed by my own worries at my finding out about her engagement.

its begun. the slew of weddings will be arriving left and right soon. and i am still in the same place i promised myself id leave more than 5 years ago, when i believed college was the phase wherein i would reinvent myself...or in oprah-speak, become my best self.

6 years, and 53 pounds later, i am none the wiser. how can i be feeling this way again??? it makes me want to cry. my friend rhenee said (in an effort to comfort me) that "it's human to feel this way sometimes", but how can i be the most human person to keep on shooting myself in the foot, keep on making the same mistakes, till i'm so fat and heavy that i will not be able to lift myself from the slump ive managed to wedge myself into.

my mom keeps on telling me, "no one is going to want me being this fat". she keeps on telling me that everyone else is getting picked left and right of me because really, no one wants to pay attention to the fat girl. and i can rest assured that no one will. all this talk of marriage and engagements i suppose set off alarm bells in my head telling me that i was supposed to be someplace else when this happened. shouldve progressed farther. but thinking now, i think i am deeper in the shit ive begun from.

im ranting again. back to my old habits after all the hopefulness. i hope this passes.

but now, everytime i look in the mirror and see the fat girl staring back at me, i know my soul will feel the weight. and i will hear the bells ringing, and be certain that they won't be for me.

i am sad tonight.

i feel like i am going nowhere.