non-manic monday

My days since I've arrived haven't really been hectic. But I enjoy them just the same I suppose. Admittedly, I haven't been able to get a whole lot of my work done, and I've been really really slow in doing it. This annoys me, because I can't seem to get the things I need to get done in time. I'm not sure what my priority is really, work? the gym? My daily trips haven't been giving me much change. And they've cut a lot into my work time. It's really been a sacrifice going to the gym, and I guess am just depressed that I'm not really seeing results. But I suppose I'm not going to dwell on that. I pray that God gives me the strength to follow through.

Am trying to sit through one whole episode of Nip/Tuck. I find it so sad. But it's so real. And so depressing. Its whole thesis is about goes: "When you stop pursuing perfection, you might as well be dead." I saw how a plastic surgeon made a beautiful woman feel so ugly. I saw them change the face of a pedophile. It was unnerving, but even scarier, it was so realistic. I keep saying that. I suppose its partly because realities are scaring me left and right.

REAL THINGS THAT SCARE ME TODAY:

1.that we could elect yet another stupid president
2.that my dad could die because of his weight condition and hypertension
3.that i am actually sick of some incurable lung disease
4.that i will never become thin
5.that i will die an old maid
6.that i won't get into UP
7.that i am actually stupid and don't know it
8.that when people look at me, they are disgusted at how fat i've become
9.that my mom and i will never get to have the relationship that i wish we had
10.that my friends and i will drift away
11.that i will die not having fulfilled any of my big goals
12.that i will die young
13.that my brother will turn out to be gay
14.that my dad secretly thinks that i am stupid
15.that i am not destined for greatness of any sort.

I don't know what kind of hopeful thoughts tomorrow will bring. I just hope I can afford to make myself less scared.

On the brighter side, I am at least happy I was able to express my fears. I rarely get to. (Say what I meant to say, I mean)

Good Night!