A beautiful blur

Sometimes life goes by deliciously fast

Life went by rather quickly in 2014. I haven't had time to sit down and take stock of every thing that's taken place. Life swept me off my feet so grandly, and if I am never swept away by any kind of love affair in my lifetime, I will look upon 2014 and still feel that life has given me enough.

Rest

Rest by Pearce Highsmith (Image from here.)

I finally have gotten to the point where I realize how vital rest is. When I was much younger, weekends were very much restless days, spent arguing with myself (and my parents) because I wasn't making the most out of it. I felt then that weekends were best spent outside, doing things and meeting people and finding someone to fall in love with and things like that. Now, on the weekends, I am just incredibly happy when I get to rest -- and by rest I mean literally doing nothing, lying down, breathing in and out, having nothing on the agenda except to watch movies, read, eat and sleep.

I did just that this whole weekend. I was supposed to study for midterms, but after I found out that my midterm was pushed back, I settled into the weekend whole-heartedly. I lounged out on the lanai and sipped my coffee slowly, while I read cookbooks. I watched a lot of movies - classics and fluffy ones alike. A lot of movies. I watched two last Friday, four yesterday, and a sprinkling of tv shows in between that. It doesn't sound like much, but it was glorious.

This Sunday morning was spent eating a lazy breakfast with my brother, and then writing this entry while listening to the Garden State soundtrack, which is awesome. Can't believe I didn't discover it till this weekend.

There isn't much more to my weekend than that, but it was just what the kind of weekend that I've been praying for for a long time. Thank God!

What's your idea of a great weekend?

Bathers at Rest by Paul Cezanne (Image from here.)

Open eyes, Open heart

A couple of months ago, I was offered a wonderful opportunity. If I accepted it, I would be paid to go around 5 cities in the Philippines to interview members of Amnesty International for an advocacy video that my friend was producing. The only problem was that I would have to miss nearly two weeks of school. I tossed and turned about it, feeling so conflicted about what my focus was. Was it school? Was it life? Was it necessarily one or the other?

In my journal, while trying to decide, I wrote:

"But isn't truly living and having outstanding memories a better pay-off than (just) being successful? Still at the forked road and I still cannot seem to decide. At some point in my life story, I know that I will have to choose: to jump off the bridge and see if I will fall or fly - maybe now is the time?"

I jumped. And I flew. And oh, the things I saw!

Taking in the sights (and bites!) of Cebu!!!

Clockwise: Me in front of the one of the Sto. Nino Church, a curious (and surprised!) couple at the park, setting up audio for the interviews, Deng running in front of the Fort San Pedro, Zubuchon!, and Deng's "pig" face

Lovely Dumaguete

Clockwise: One of our delicious seafood dishes in Lab-as, us walking around the Silliman grounds, a strange   but lovely bench along the boardwalk, three old men who reminded me of my dad (and a shipwreck!), the idyllic boardwalk view

the charming Silliman University in Dumaguete

Colorful Zamboanga

Clockwise: the beautiful and architecturally interesting airport, the super-funky trike and the very demure ladies of Zambo, a knickerbocker during sunset by the beach, Zamboanga sunset, me and deng looking stoked, Curacha!!!, and the top of the Zamboanga City Hall

Sights from Cagayan de Oro and Davao

I wish I had more photos of Davao and Cagayan de Oro! I don't know why I don't. Baaaahhh.

Easily the best decision I've made all year. Here's to bigger, bolder leaps!

Lessons learned from leaping

I wrote this in my journal while in one of my favorite writing spots: the CAL (College of Arts and Letters) Library. I had been meaning to post it much earlier, but after the time I spent running around for this project, I became consumed with making up for my many absences. But I did catch up, quite well actually :) I am grateful for that too -- and it merits its own post.

March 1, 2012 11:25 AM CAL Library

And so I am back home after the whole jet-setting life of jumping in and out of planes and running in and out of different places so quickly -- I loved meeting the inspiring people that we met. I wish I could have been less conscious of myself and more engaging with them -- I know that this is something that I have to work on.

I do feel at home here in the CAL Library, and I've come to appreciate the time when I sit here and write and ponder on my life. While there are so many other questions to answer, I celebrate that for the meantime, I have found a place where I can run to and be uninterrupted with my thoughts -- without the fear of being scolded or judged with how I am living my life.

But there are so many lessons that I learned from this trip, culled from all the great people that I've met.

From Deng: I learned that you should believe in yourself, in your value as a person, believe that you are as cool or as boring as you allow yourself to be. I also learned that true friends listen to you and are concerned about your life.

From all the interesting Volunteers and Members of Amnesty International (I worked on a video advocacy project that had me travelling to 5 different cities in 2 weeks):

That's me working during one of our shoots around Cebu!

Some of the AI members we interviewed in Cebu

From Hope/Mamou: I learned that you can gather courage from your oppression. It doesn't define you. Turn it into something that can help or inspire others. Hope, known as Mamou by AI members in Davao, was once a battered wife. Instead of letting the beating get to her, she used it as motivation to empower others so that it didn't happen to them. She always opened her home to everyone who needed a sanctuary, somewhere to be themselves in. Her joy was infectious.

From Strauss: Mamou's brother, also an AI activist in Davao, I learned that there are people who are so selfless that they devote their lives to fighting the causes of others. I was inspired by how simple and how kind they were -- yet they were also so passionate about all the things that they did.

From Date Ed Rosales (Datu Chieftain of the Bagobo tribe): I learned that one must be proud of where he came from. Celebrate your roots. Keep who you are inherently and work hard at keeping it pure. In trying to find good partners to align with his tribe, he taught us how to be careful not to succumb to political leanings. He always thought about what was good for his tribe, long-term.

From Yasser: He is a young AI member from the Tausug tribe. I learned how one should be real and uninhibited. He joyfully celebrated differences and embraced what made them similar instead. From him, I learned too that one must be humble enough to trust.

From the LGBT AI members: Own your decisions. Campaign for what you think is right. But be respectful and respectable about it.

My friend Deng pondering the state of being on a street named Little Children in Dumaguete

From Jia: She was a lovely and vibrant member of AI Dumaguete who left an abusive relationship. She is a single mother with an equally charming son. You would never think that someone as happy and cheerful as her had gone through something as painful as that. From her I learned that you can still have a life even after your old one falls to pieces -- find places where you can learn to be strong, acknowledge that you are weak, but work to continuously improve.

That's Jia looking fab on set, Deng the director is in black

Our tiny crew with the happy members of AI Dumaguete

I loved seeing life lived in different parts of the Philippines. From seeing the sights and meeting the people, I saw how one could be happy anywhere. It was really just a matter of deciding how to see your life's circumstances and how to go about moving from there. 

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Rereading this post made me so happy that I was able to have this experience. It really was a gift. Thank you universe!

On turning 30

Image from here.

I turned 30 a few days ago, and it went very differently than I thought it would. For the longest time, I have been dreading turning 30 because of recent developments (or non-developments) in my life that have set me back and changed my views of the world from how I perceived it a few years ago. For one, nearly my entire twenties was spent working in attempts to survive law school. All of this work was geared towards becoming a lawyer at the end of all that work and hopefully settling into a financially stable and exhausting (though rewarding) work life. When I turned 29 last year, I got the most devastating (I'm still recovering from its trauma) news of my life learning that I had failed the bar. The knowledge that I could fail something I had put so much into really crippled me, and I cut off many friends and hid from the world for a year trying to recover from the news. I couldn't make myself take the exam again and I had to really ask myself if I was willing to spend another year of my life working towards something that felt so futile and so thankless.

After a year of being inactive, of trying to grapple with who I am as a person and with what strengths I do have, I decided to forego taking the bar (indefinitely), choosing instead to work towards rediscovering my passions and capabilities. I am entrenched in the creative writing world now and on most days, it feels like this is (as it always has been) a much more comfortable fit for me than law ever was. Still, so much of my life feels like a question. I wonder always if not taking the bar is the correct step, if I will regret that I put it off for so long, or even if I could make as much as I did had I chosen to focus on becoming a lawyer and not on rediscovering creative writing.

I had thought that turning 30 would give me this clarity that would make me see things from an entirely different perspective, but the day crept in quietly, and without much fanfare. There were no glaring epiphanies or sudden directions or life paths discovered, only an awareness that I had been around for 30 decades now, and that I had better learn to enjoy the small moments as much as I look forward to the bigger ones. Life is made so much of the smaller moments, and I suppose these are the things you remember when you look back on your life later on.

If this year has taught me anything, it would be that life too is so much about having the courage to take chances. I had thrown myself into the ringer by accepting a project that allowed me to travel to 5 different cities in less than 10 days so close to all my deadlines, leaving little time for me to work on them. But I did it anyway and came out (for the most part unscathed).  So much of my life and my decisions are based on the prudent options, always foregoing adventure for what is expected, what is practical. This time, I just really wanted to do it without questioning if I could or couldn't.

I took this lesson and applied it to my birthday, and how I wanted to celebrate my life from hereon. It was an exercise in deciding how I wanted to do things, and then finding a way to do them anyway. I heralded its arrival with a few friends who stayed with me till midnight, over tapas and sangrias. I spent time with my family, and then gave myself the chance to relax and take it all in on a weekend jaunt to Baguio, one of my favorite places to visit. As I sit here now, by the balcony, enjoying the cool air while writing off the delicious food I had from the buffet, I feel quite pleased at the idea of wanting something and then making it happen.

Hopefully this is the start of a more conscious, more deliberate life, focused on the little things as well as on the big things. I want to stop fearing things and do more of them. Off the top of my head, I want to dare to dream about standing on a surfboard, riding a bike, go to Europe, kiss someone, and maybe even fall in love. I want to try new food, meet new people, find something that I am absolutely passionate about, and reclaim my fitness. I want to really feel alive, finally.

oh yes!

Image from here.

So many things have happened since I last posted. I stopped thinking and started doing and although I haven't had decent sleep and my muscles are all aching and my neck hasn't stopped twitching from all the stress of deadlines ending side by side by side, tonight my idol writing teacher said I had talent and I feel like I could go all the way to the moon and back. This coming from the same professor who began calling me "You" because he couldn't remember me for nearly the entire semester and who inadvertently made me cry after he called my way of thinking pedestrian. I have been on the edge and I have questioned my self-worth but just having him call me by name and tell me that made all the pain and exhaustion just so worth it.

There are so many other things to be grateful for, and I will outline them once I have finished all of my requirements -- but I didn't want this moment to go undocumented. Thank you universe! And thank you kind Sir!

So for all the times you question if it is all worth it, let days like this remind you :)

Encountering my 16 year-old self

Image from here.

1:16 AM

I spent the day doing much of nothing, all I achieved was attending class and taking a whole day to finish something that usually takes me about 2 hours to finish. And then I wasted the day refreshing Facebook and group-buying sites scouring for deals that will enable me to have a semblance of a life that I can (not really) afford.

I wanted to save some part of today, have it not be a waste. And so I decided I wanted to write something more fun – less of a task to check off my list (though I’ve been doing pretty okay in that aspect, save for the exercise and eating better). An ever present thought in my mind is that I am turning thirty in less than 2 months, and contrary to what I had imagined, I am not the success I thought I was going to be. But what am I, really?

I know there is a more comprehensive list of dreams that are lying around, but this is one that I take from when I was 16 years old. It was part of a scrapbook project for PROSEC (a personality development class) and when I had run out of album space to fill, I started writing on a sheet of paper all the unspoken dreams that I could fit into it.

Here they are:

·        I will be a consistent dean’s lister (must qualify: College, not law school)

·        I will graduate with latin honors

·        I will be able to buy myself a pager – not check, but I’ve been able to own so much more! Haha how very 90s of me to dream of a pager

·        I will learn how to drive –  I am an awesome driver!

·        I will impressively decorate my room – Needs work!

·        I will be the lead singer in a band – okay, this needs work. Maybe I can jam with a band?

·        I will find a good and God-fearing husband – hmm. A nice date to start, maybe?

·        I will be a good mother – again, let’s start with a date, any date! HELP.

·        I will be an obedient daughter – When does being obedient end?

·        I will bring my parents to wherever they want to go – okay, so not check. But there’s still time!

·        I will work for a well-known communications company – I did, until I realized how much I hated advertising

·        I will progress fast – hmm.

·        I will send and pay for my brother’s schooling – didn’t think I’d be broke till now

·        I will take up law in the college best for me – check? But I really wanted to go to the other school initially + I failed the bar

·        I will be a leader in YFC - check

·        I will get myself a blowdryer – never got one BUT bought myself an Instyler AND my parents gave me one for Christmas (pero mehn ang babaw nito haha)

·        I will get a CD player – check! Haha how funny I was at 16

·        I will team lead in a camp – never did.

·        I will star in a play – never did.

·        I will play piano – there are days when I feel like I still could.

There you go. An insight into a dream and the reality that came with it. I know there’s really no time limit. For my thirtieth birthday, I would just like to begin and approach it with an aura of gratefulness for everything that I’ve dreamed and made happened, and even those that didn’t.

Learnings

Some things you just can't learn from books. Image from here.

The past week was so interesting to me, mostly because it was an exercise in deviation. From routine, that is. For the past few months, I have really been struggling to put myself on a schedule, to achieve certain checklists every day, in the hopes of being more productive and feeling more fulfilled with how I spent my time. What was strange to me was that even when I did manage to accomplish many of the things on my list (work, research, private writing etc.), I didn't really feel more fulfilled or motivated afterwards. I wonder if it was because of the quality of goals that I accomplished, or because of the direction that I was heading towards. Last week was an interesting experiment in that I threw out my to-do lists and decided to do things on the fly. It was one of the most fulfilling weeks I've had this year (or maybe in the last 2-3 years).