A beautiful blur

Sometimes life goes by deliciously fast

Life went by rather quickly in 2014. I haven't had time to sit down and take stock of every thing that's taken place. Life swept me off my feet so grandly, and if I am never swept away by any kind of love affair in my lifetime, I will look upon 2014 and still feel that life has given me enough.

things falling apart

Image from here.

Things are falling apart in our house.
There is the light in the living room with the faulty starter,
the light in my bedroom which pretends to be working until I replace the glass lid and then it doesn't,
the fake old wood varnish that is chipping away from my cabinets,
the creaky front door that sags and scratches the floor when you close it,
the invisible leak that jacks up our water bill,
the ratty couches with their springs exposed,
the wooden floorboards that have become uneven over time.
This is not really my house, I just live here.
But there is the feeling that I am supposed to be doing something more than taking note
of all the things that are getting run down
because these things are happening on my watch, and my parents
are now just watching me
grow into the supposed adult shell that I have developed.
But I haven't.

1:33 AM March 5 2013

time slips away

Image from here.

My father turned 60 today. Yesterday, we had a nice day, celebrating the milestone year. I took them to see a play and to dinner and we were all rather pleasant because of the experience. I was distracted by the idea of what having a 60-year old for a parent meant. And then as we were pulling out of the mall parking lot after the play, I realized that there might not be a lot of years left when I could rely on my dad to drive us to places -- the thought terrified me. Not even of him dying, though everyone dies -- just the idea that he would be there but unable to fulfill the functions I had grown up being used to: driving, getting cars fixed, having all the answers, things like that. It made me feel so inadequate and unprepared for anything.

Today, during his all-day birthday party, I had a similar thought again. My grandmother was here for the celebrations, and while I was trying to coax a birthday greeting out of her, I realized that she was no longer as lucid as I thought she was. I realized that she could barely open her eyes because she no longer saw very well. I want to say that this is what a big big family does (you could go on living not thinking about your grandmother because there are too many of you to think about) but I really don't want to use that excuse. I can't believe that so much time has passed and despite my grandmother living a few minutes away, I have not taken the time to know her beyond the cursory "hello" and "how are you" when I come and go. She was lying on the couch (she has been immobile since she broke her hip a couple of years ago) and as I was trying to get her to recognize my voice, I rubbed my hands on her legs and she smiled. It was a little girl smile, a smile I didn't see on her face when my grandfather was alive, or when she was lucid for that matter. It made me realize that it must have been so long since someone rubbed her legs like that -- since she felt anything about her legs like that, and it made me smile that even when she could no longer recognize me, I could comfort her by simply rubbing her legs. I wish that I had given her more, that I had more to give back when she still knew the difference.

The idea of time passing makes me nervous. What have I done with the time that's gone by?

somethings and nothings

What lovely words. Image from here.

So November has come and gone without me even writing a post, which is really just baaaadddd.

It has been a mix-up of good and bad things and mostly me trying to struggle with deadlines and me trying to sneak out to get to a lecture or to have time to see friends and attempt to have a life.

I have been busy yet there is this feeling that the busyness that has taken over is filled with such insignificant things.

It's not a bad place, where I am, but I am always questioning why I am unable to move past this -- to wow myself and the world in ways that I thought I would.

There is the feeling that I have been filling my days with "nothings" and this is why I haven't written -- but then again, I suppose things it is up to me to make "something" out of things. What makes a moment, a thing, a person special anyway?

When I began the idea for writing this, I was thinking of how I felt left behind by my peers -- My body has forced me to graduate through certain phases of my life, but I don't necessarily feel as though I've recovered.

There is that feeling of always just needing to catch up on life.

Now though, all thoughts turn to a dearest friend who has encountered a sad thing. Why do things happen the way they do anyway?

Butterfly visits

Hi Dada! Image from here.

I lost my grandfather when I was five. I was really young when he passed, but I remember really loving him, and really feeling loved by him as well. Though I was too young to feel pain after his passing, I still really miss him. I find myself thinking about him all the time, and feeling as though he is watching over me -- my own personal guardian angel. I suppose it is why whenever I find myself feeling worried or nervous about something, I find myself calling out to him and asking for intercession, or guidance, or a little bit of courage.

Today, I called out to him once more, as I was cramming for an exam that I had not studied enough for -- there just wasn't enough time after being sent out of the country for work and then coming home to a stack of deadlines both for my master's and my two jobs. As I ran my eyes over the text, in a mad dash to remember as much as I could, I called out to him. I asked him to help me remember everything I read, to calm my heart so I could concentrate more, and to just help me get through the day. I remembered too that it was his death anniversary. He passed away on October 5, 1987.

This morning, as I was on my way up to get dressed for the test, I saw a tiny brown butterfly hanging out on the staircase. It was not the showy kind, very much a plain-jane butterfly if there ever was one (and my lolo was not a showy person himself). I had to take a closer look, because I was still feeling dizzy from lack of sleep. It was there, just like it had been in many other points in my life, most often on the day of his death anniversary. It was telling me he had heard me, and that everything was going to be fine.

I got to school calmer, though still a bit worried that I did not know enough to pass the test. It got rescheduled to a week from today, giving me ample time to get everything done. I wanted to smile at heaven and wrap my arms around my lolo, to blow a kiss at my brown butterfly who had come down all the way from heaven to tell me that everything was going to work out. Thank you Dada for always looking out for me. I hope that in spite of my failings, that when you see me, I make you proud. I miss you all the time, but I find comfort in knowing that you are somewhere far better than here. Till we meet again!

Limbo

Image from here.

There is a churning feeling in the pit of my stomach, this in spite of the realization that I have spent a over 5 months living life as a grownup, what with the job and the not-too-shabby salary and the grad school units even.

I tend to flip-flop with the way I feel about my life now. At times, it feels pleasant (or is it dulled down?), and then I find myself subdued at the thought that I am finally growing comfortable with my life.

And then there are moments like these - when I am faced with all the things I am scared to do, like leaping really big. Like letting go of what little ties I have made in order to try for a bigger thing. Like taking a risk.

All of the pleasant feelings I have had about my life so far have felt like settling down all of a sudden. And not in a good way. They feel like giving up more than anything. On myself. On my dreams of finding a version of me that is better than this. I want to swim away, but I can't.

I want to absolutely love the life I am living. I want to not merely be able to tolerate it.

Ingredients for a perfect day

Image from here.

These past few months have been incredibly busy for me, and I can't say that I don't feel blessed by them, because I do.  I've been meeting a lot more friends, having more interesting experiences too. I am working on my Master's Degree in Creative Writing, something I find myself very excited about, and I have writing jobs that allow me the freedom to work from home, and that provide for me in ways that I never thought possible  -- especially just a year after failing the bar.

The downside to these telecommuting jobs though is that I very rarely get to meet people. I tend to be cooped up in my room while I am writing and so apart from the occasional chat with friends online, I get so little interaction with the human world during the work week. I miss having real conversations.

The beauty of having a fluid working schedule such as mine is that I actually can do more with my time, if only I could let go of the little distractions. I don't  have to wait for the weekend to have a perfect day, because I have the beginnings of a great day already! I thought I would write down a couple of elements that make up a perfect day for me, in the hopes that I have more great days to remember -- life is short after all!

So here they are, in random order:

1. Good food

I love breakfast! Pancakes by me, creamy scrambled eggs + bacon + shake by my bro Kip

Okay, okay -- I know (especially now that I can't have this kind of breakfast every morning, but it just occurred to me that because I work at home, I actually have the luxury to cook whatever meal I want. I grew up not liking vegetables (still don't for the most part) but I've had salads that have blown my mind away. I've been raring for the opportunity to integrate more healthy dishes into my diet -- and so now I am hopeful that I can have more delicious and interesting salads and soups for dinner instead of the heavily-meat -based viands + blechy veggie dishes and rice that we often have. It will take some more effort and expense on my part, but I have to begin now!

Here are some of my meal pegs that I hope to work into a meal plan for the coming weeks:

Image from here.

I've been working on my own version of perfect oatmeal because I know that I can only have those kinds of breakfast on the weekend. For the most part, I think I can stick to this kind of breakfast for as long as I am able to keep my oatmeal interesting. 

I was lucky enough to find antioxidant booster dried fruit packs with blackberries, pomegranates and raisins from the Hi-Top near our office. 

In place of the nut medley, I crush oat and honey granola bars because nuts are super expensive here!

I add dark brown sugar and a pinch of salt for a more rounded flavor.

Image from The Recipe Girl

I think I can eat salad everyday if I can make them interesting like this. For the most part, I like fresh elements in them like fruits, and crunchy elements like nuts too.

I plan to make 1 new salad at least 2-3 times a week and eat it with some good soup too!







I think I went a bit overboard with my food excitement. This isn't actually a food post! (But will post my salad misadventures here too!)

But on to the other (non-food) ingredients for the perfect day!

2. Meaningful conversations

I love this photo! What a hoot! Image from here.

To be honest, if you gave me good food and added good conversation along with it, it would already be a pretty awesome day for me. I love being able to talk to people and to learn about what their lives are like. A lot of the time though, my shyness gets to me, and so when faced with a new person, I end up clamming up or over editing myself even before I utter a word -- but I hope to remedy this soon!

My friend Candice and I were talking about meeting at least one new person a week through various activities -- but I think, if I am able to have even a short but meaningful conversation with one of my good friends or even with family, or even with a stranger, it would make me very happy indeed!

Here's to conquering my terrible shyness and to letting new people in!

3. A sense of purpose and fulfillment in a job well done.

Oh to be this fulfilled! Image from here.

I have this bad habit of puttering. I putter around my tasks -- walking around my room in search of some distraction, or of surfing the web in the face of a waiting deadline. I hope to make the most out of my time by  focusing more on the tasks I have -- that way, I have more time to devote to my passion projects: to reading more literature, to writing more of it, and to fulfilling more dreams big or small.

4. Exercise and a sense that I am taking care of my body

Truth. Image from here.

Those who know me know that when it comes to exercise, I am the laziest person there is. I do regret how I have let my laziness get the better of me. All my health indiscretions have led me to this: to a state where I always ponder and worry about the state of my health. I read a saying about workouts that I agree with completely: I always regret when I don't, but I never regret when I do. To having the drive to do what needs to be done, finally. 

5. Adventure in the form of a new experience or learning discovery

Image from here.

New people, new experiences, new stories discovered -- anything that will remind me that there are so many things that I have yet to see! This thought reminds me of something an acquaintance of mine said before: At 30, and with the way people live their lives right now, this very well be my mid-life (crisis) optional. I don't want to blame myself at the end of it because I spent too much time being scared to do things (or of being judged because of doing things). 

I want to be brave enough to initiate conversations with strangers and to just do things without fear of being judged or of failing or looking stupid. Life's too short!

6. Gratitude as expressed through prayer and good deeds

What a lovely thought! Image from here.

Every year when November rolls around, I always find myself wishing that I lived in a country that celebrates Thanksgiving -- not just because turkey dinners look awesome (but don't they?), but because I think that gratefulness is so undervalued. More and more, I'm realizing that having a grateful heart and a grateful disposition makes going through every day so much more enriching and worthwhile. When you are grateful you are mindful of what is around you instead of what you don't have. You are reminded of how blessed you are.

It surprised me a bit that I put prayer in here, because honestly, it has been a long, long time since I've prayed. I keep confusing religion for spirituality, and at this point, I find that I am not ready to draw the boundary lines that religion (most religions) require me to do. But I just realized that being uncertain about some church dogmas should not stop me from being able to pray for guidance and to thank God for all the little things in my life, because there are so many. I think being able to pray and to put things in perspective is a good way to end and begin the day and to make room for another wonderful one.

Hopefully the increased awareness of how blessed I am will translate to a more sustainable way of being more positive and doing good deeds to help others.

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These are the major ones that I've thought of so far, and as I continue on with this year, I hope to keep you posted on my attempts to have as many perfect days as possible.

What about you? What are your ingredients to a perfect day? I'd love to hear from you! Do leave me a comment here! Hope you have more perfect days too. We all deserve it :)

what do you sacrifice for your dream?

Image from here.

I haven't written so much this summer, which is a bit ironic, because I thought I would be writing up a storm. Well, I am, but not the kind of writing that I thought I would be doing. I've been working. A lot. Just as summer began, I literally found myself swept up by a work opportunity, and so my days went there --- I was (still am) being paid to write. Nothing literary: releases, newsy types of articles, manifestos and the like. I don't like the writing part of it much, because it feels too technical and thankless at times. But it is for a cause I believe in, and it pays well (particularly when combined with another writing job that I have), and I suppose this is why I am sticking to it and have committed myself to it for the time being.

It is by no means easy, and there are times in my day when I have to ask myself why I am doing this. The answer is really quite quick to come: I am doing it for the money. It came as a surprise to me, especially after the decade that I had, how I could find myself earning as much money as this -- a lawyer's salary almost, even if I am not a lawyer. On the one hand, it feels good, knowing that I can provide for myself well enough by my writing skills alone. I know that I am committed to doing this (and to not writing literary stuff for the time being) because I want to save up enough to fund my dream of studying and living abroad.

This new mentality comes as a surprise to me because when I started working, there were so many things that I wasn't willing to put up with. But maybe that was because I found advertising to be so thankless. Or maybe, I really was just too idealistic going in. I'd like to think that I was able to draw the line somewhere, and move in a progressive way, learning from one job to the next, finding myself better and in a better place to work too somehow. Now, there are still parts of the job that I find difficult to deal with, but I find myself more pliable to the things that are thrown my way. I see myself being able to stick to it for longer, far longer than I ever have before.

So for now, I am sacrificing my time, doing the work because I know that it will help provide for the dream that I hope to achieve. It feels almost grown up, to be honest, to give up something of my self for a bigger goal. I haven't felt very grownup in a long time, but I do right now.

Open eyes, Open heart

A couple of months ago, I was offered a wonderful opportunity. If I accepted it, I would be paid to go around 5 cities in the Philippines to interview members of Amnesty International for an advocacy video that my friend was producing. The only problem was that I would have to miss nearly two weeks of school. I tossed and turned about it, feeling so conflicted about what my focus was. Was it school? Was it life? Was it necessarily one or the other?

In my journal, while trying to decide, I wrote:

"But isn't truly living and having outstanding memories a better pay-off than (just) being successful? Still at the forked road and I still cannot seem to decide. At some point in my life story, I know that I will have to choose: to jump off the bridge and see if I will fall or fly - maybe now is the time?"

I jumped. And I flew. And oh, the things I saw!

Taking in the sights (and bites!) of Cebu!!!

Clockwise: Me in front of the one of the Sto. Nino Church, a curious (and surprised!) couple at the park, setting up audio for the interviews, Deng running in front of the Fort San Pedro, Zubuchon!, and Deng's "pig" face

Lovely Dumaguete

Clockwise: One of our delicious seafood dishes in Lab-as, us walking around the Silliman grounds, a strange   but lovely bench along the boardwalk, three old men who reminded me of my dad (and a shipwreck!), the idyllic boardwalk view

the charming Silliman University in Dumaguete

Colorful Zamboanga

Clockwise: the beautiful and architecturally interesting airport, the super-funky trike and the very demure ladies of Zambo, a knickerbocker during sunset by the beach, Zamboanga sunset, me and deng looking stoked, Curacha!!!, and the top of the Zamboanga City Hall

Sights from Cagayan de Oro and Davao

I wish I had more photos of Davao and Cagayan de Oro! I don't know why I don't. Baaaahhh.

Easily the best decision I've made all year. Here's to bigger, bolder leaps!

a question

Dear God,

Why are things the way they are?

-Me