Butterfly visits

Hi Dada! Image from here.

I lost my grandfather when I was five. I was really young when he passed, but I remember really loving him, and really feeling loved by him as well. Though I was too young to feel pain after his passing, I still really miss him. I find myself thinking about him all the time, and feeling as though he is watching over me -- my own personal guardian angel. I suppose it is why whenever I find myself feeling worried or nervous about something, I find myself calling out to him and asking for intercession, or guidance, or a little bit of courage.

Today, I called out to him once more, as I was cramming for an exam that I had not studied enough for -- there just wasn't enough time after being sent out of the country for work and then coming home to a stack of deadlines both for my master's and my two jobs. As I ran my eyes over the text, in a mad dash to remember as much as I could, I called out to him. I asked him to help me remember everything I read, to calm my heart so I could concentrate more, and to just help me get through the day. I remembered too that it was his death anniversary. He passed away on October 5, 1987.

This morning, as I was on my way up to get dressed for the test, I saw a tiny brown butterfly hanging out on the staircase. It was not the showy kind, very much a plain-jane butterfly if there ever was one (and my lolo was not a showy person himself). I had to take a closer look, because I was still feeling dizzy from lack of sleep. It was there, just like it had been in many other points in my life, most often on the day of his death anniversary. It was telling me he had heard me, and that everything was going to be fine.

I got to school calmer, though still a bit worried that I did not know enough to pass the test. It got rescheduled to a week from today, giving me ample time to get everything done. I wanted to smile at heaven and wrap my arms around my lolo, to blow a kiss at my brown butterfly who had come down all the way from heaven to tell me that everything was going to work out. Thank you Dada for always looking out for me. I hope that in spite of my failings, that when you see me, I make you proud. I miss you all the time, but I find comfort in knowing that you are somewhere far better than here. Till we meet again!

does it matter if you know why?

Image from here.

This evening, my mom, dad, and I went to watch my brother's choir (the Ateneo College Glee Club) in concert. It was their return concert after touring Europe for over a month, mainly because they competed for the title in the European Grand Prix.

During the concert, one of the choir members shared his thoughts as they prepared to compete -- the feeling was familiar, he said, because he had competed for the title with the choir nearly 10 years ago. Both times, the grand prize title eluded them.

Upset, he shared how he had to ask himself why; why did they keep on losing? Why then, why now? And then, he said something which struck a chord in me. Does it really matter if you know why? 


In the end, he said, it mattered more how hard they had worked to compete for that title again. It mattered that they did it anyway, win or lose.

Those words, along with the great music of the choir, made me think of the "whys" in my life. Why I stuck to some things and quickly abandoned others. Why I felt the way I did about many things and many people. Why I was placed in the circumstances I was in now.

Personally, at this point in my life, I find that the whys aren't as important as what I am doing about them, and how I am addressing them given what I have at my disposal.

As though by magic, I found myself stumbling over this favorite quote of mine by Rainer Maria Rilke, taken from Letters to a Young Poet. This pretty much sums up how I feel about the questions now.

One of my favorite quotes EVER.  Photo from here.

May we all live our way into the answers!

fortune favors the brave

one number away from one million pesos

about a month ago, my family attended a bingo social. my dad had somehow been paid/gifted with bingo tickets to this big-ass bingo game for his legal services and so, not being bingo people, we all lethargically pushed our butts off to play big-time bingo. at P100K per game and P1 million for the block out prize, we all pushed our gambling doubts aside, it was too big a chance to pass up!