Learnings

Some things you just can't learn from books. Image from here.

The past week was so interesting to me, mostly because it was an exercise in deviation. From routine, that is. For the past few months, I have really been struggling to put myself on a schedule, to achieve certain checklists every day, in the hopes of being more productive and feeling more fulfilled with how I spent my time. What was strange to me was that even when I did manage to accomplish many of the things on my list (work, research, private writing etc.), I didn't really feel more fulfilled or motivated afterwards. I wonder if it was because of the quality of goals that I accomplished, or because of the direction that I was heading towards. Last week was an interesting experiment in that I threw out my to-do lists and decided to do things on the fly. It was one of the most fulfilling weeks I've had this year (or maybe in the last 2-3 years).


Case in point: blowing off private writing duties in order to go aircon shopping with Anna. In the hour or two that we spent puttering about in that appliance center, we were able to have such a satisfying talk about life directions and what we thought of the paths we had chosen/were choosing continuously up to now. I just found it incredibly comforting to have someone in my corner who believed in me, who really listened to me. I found it so satisfying to hear her be so candid about her life and her accomplishments, to hear her say that all she really did was try to make things happen everyday.

The morning of that day was also different for me. We had spent it at an embassy applying for a visa renewal. The whole process was so taxing for me in particular. I had prepared all of the documents for my family and so it would have fallen all on me had I left something or missed something in the procedure. But for the most part, it went off without a hitch. I like the uncertainty of it all, even in spite of the fact that I barely had 2 hours worth of sleep that day. I even enjoyed sitting at a fastfood place downing pancakes and starchy longganisa dogs. Having the giant siopaos and crispy noodles with my family was an added bonus.

The day after that was more of the same. I had spent most of it not writing, but reading. For some reason, I felt compelled to finish The Stranger by Albert Camus and then I began Night by Elie Wiesel. I had put off the writing work for the evening thinking that all the literary inspiration would prime me for productivity. Instead, I spent the night outside, completely out of character. I had been invited to a spur-of-the-moment-party with people whom I hardly knew, in an area I didn't particularly enjoy going to. All of my instincts said "No". I had already primed myself to decline. After running out of excuses, and not wanting to let my friend down, I had gone. It has been the most exciting and strange night of my life this year. It was not all peaches and cream of course, but I cannot think about it without smiling. Who would have thought that a random night out would result in clubbing with beautiful people and talking to one of the most beautiful men I've ever met?

The drunkenness of Thursday led to a very lethargic Friday, but I finished my work nonetheless; and even though I missed my personal writing assignment, I had felt so satisfied with the quality of my week that it didn't even seem to sting too much (not writing, I mean).

I did enjoy my Saturday as well. It didn't play out like I thought it would - I ended up commuting and spending more that I thought I had. But it was so satisfying to spend time with a friend who valued your company so much.

I may not have checked a lot of things on my lists this week - but I've felt quite alive. I haven't really felt that in a while.