fortune favors the brave

one number away from one million pesos

about a month ago, my family attended a bingo social. my dad had somehow been paid/gifted with bingo tickets to this big-ass bingo game for his legal services and so, not being bingo people, we all lethargically pushed our butts off to play big-time bingo. at P100K per game and P1 million for the block out prize, we all pushed our gambling doubts aside, it was too big a chance to pass up!



the previous P100,000 prize games went by without much ado, but it was during the P1 million peso game that it got very exciting. i had only one remaining number waiting to be called, B8 if you are curious, and there were only a few B numbers that hadn't been called yet. my mom was already trying to decide what she was going to do with the cool million, and even i, skeptic that i am, was already very much on edge. the bingo caller pulled out a number, announced that it was from B column, and right before he said the number, i remember closing my eyes and praying that the winner be someone who really, really needed the money. and then i let it go. when my number wasn't called, i felt sad, but also felt a strange sense of peace at the thought that i wasn't pained by the loss of a million, and also by the idea that the universe didn't think me needy enough to merit the prize, just yet. (or at least I like to think so.)

in my head, and in my heart, i felt that I would be making my fortune, but it would be the fruit of my own hands, through the work of my mind, the outpourings of my heart. I sincerely believe that.

and so it is with this mentality that I try to face the weeks to come. I like the idea of me being the one who shapes the life I live. I may not always be successful, but at the very least, for now I am still trying.

One way I have been trying is to begin to make little dreams of mine come true. For the longest time, while I was in law school, I had always felt sad that I never got to party like my other friends did, partly because I felt I didn't deserve to, partly because I was always broke, and mostly because I spent the time I had trying to understand the many, many things that I still don't understand up to now. Last month, I made a list of things I was going fulfill for myself this year, and going dancing was one of them. I made that dream come true last April 29 when I went dancing with my good friend Gail. We turned up at Distillery Jupiter to see our college friend turned master dj Dennis spin for the masses. The experience of clubbing itself was both strange and fun to me. I ended up people-watching more than dancing, but it was really eye-opening nonetheless. We plan to go again in a couple of weeks. Life is short!

But what struck me was the conversation Gail and I had over dinner, when we caught up and filled up before dancing. In a different post, I am sure I will gush about how great she is as a person, but suffice it to say that despite being the same age as me, she has managed to finance the schooling of 3 of her younger siblings, and this month marks the first where she can enjoy the money she makes for herself. They have all graduated college, thanks to her ironed willpower and her never-ending faith. She told me a story that constantly inspired her, and in times of questioning it keeps popping up in my head. She told me of a homily wherein the priest illustrated the journey of the Israelites from Egypt. As they came across the Red Sea, and with the Egyptians right on their tail, they were faced with a choice: to go forward, pace the perils of the seas and hopefully be the free men they were envisioned to be, or to turn back and be slaves again in Egypt. It was here that Moses (I think) told them to trust in their faith and go forward, for either the seas will part or they will walk on water.

Now, I am not a religious person by nature, but I like how beautifully that was put. It reminds me of something I read a while back, a quote that said "Jump, and a net will appear." I don't necessarily believe that there is a net for every jump we make, but I am reminded that very often things turn out in ways so different from how we imagined they would, and we would only find out how if we are brave enough to move forward.

So this is my way of moving forward for now. writing, thinking, dancing, feeling. I will get to that million in time, and when I do, it will be entirely of my own doing.