muddy

i feel...stained. no, soiled. whatever word you might have for someone who is irreparably damaged, that's how i feel. last night i felt it when i was driving home without no place definite to go.

i feel so...weird. so awkward with my place in the world. i think i may have made it next to impossible even for my closest friends to understand whats been going on in my head.

i resent so many things. i resent that i am always "the token black guy-type person" in every group i join. i resent that when i hang out with people from college there is this sinking feeling i get because i am the only one who has never been in a relationship, never dated anyone serious, never goes out with anyone insignificant, and it has become apparent that law school is not the only reason for my aloneness. i resent that i am the one who was left behind, the one who cannot get over her past, the one who was "once pretty", the one who once had so much going for her. i resent how i am always the one who initiates, who tries to understand but always comes out as the one who has to be humored, to be understood.

maybe it is only a matter of time.