walk with me and hold my hand

these past few weeks i have been running away...from parts of my world, because i no longer feel like i belong in it.

i have been hiding from my friends and people whom i thought were my friends because i did not want them to see how badly i was doing. and so now that i have succeeded in cutting nearly everyone off, instead of feeling light (after unloading all that load off my shoulders - hey, no one said mediocrity was light) I feel insanely heavy.

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i can no longer live with the pace that i used to. i can only walk now. slowly.

i have no funny stories, no witty anecdotes, no pretty clothes, no token boys.

i have only me. and i am not sure if that is good enough.

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this is why i have been so ashamed. and why i have been hiding from everyone.

earlier today i spent the evening over dinner and coffee with old old friends of mine. we got to discussing friends, issues, and friends with issues, and before i knew it, i saw myself in one of the "needy friends" that we were talking about. the consensus had been "cutting off" people whom they thought dragged us (they had yet to discover that i was dead weight) down. and it terrified me to think of whether or not my other friends saw me that way too. perhaps cutting myself off had been the right choice after all.

i decided to keep mum about my life when in the company of other people, lest i be dubbed as needy and be forcibly cut off.

so i was surprised when a different friend told me exactly the opposite. she said, only a fairweather friend would leave you when you are at your lowest point. and while i was keeping quiet, she told me that she saw me more like a sister - someone who you would never ever leave.
the sincerity of her statement made me cry.