walking on eggshells vs. breaking out of your shell

Warning: this is a personal post. If you have no patience with a strange girl's mental ramblings, then stop reading right now. This is just my way of sorting out my thoughts when they cancel each other out. It is my way of speaking what I think without anyone drowning me out with a louder voice, or cutting me off with something more significant to say. If you are somewhere lost within yourself, maybe you can make sense of your own inner battles by reading through mine.

I am one of those people who feel strangely alien in almost every scenario. People who know me in various aspects/circles are surprised (and skeptical) when I say that I am a shy person, but I am. And I don't think I've ever gotten rid of it. I always wonder if it is because I always keep my thoughts to myself (in most cases) when I am uncertain of how they will be received, or how they will be construed for or against me, or if it is because when I do open my mouth to speak it is almost as if I were speaking German (not in Germany, obviously). Only those who are very close to me understand the inner workings of my head, and sometimes, even those people don't. Not to say that other people's thoughts are beneath my own, but I often feel like my thoughts are always on an entirely different wavelength. When I was going through my awkward teen phase (sometimes I feel like I still am), I was always the strange girl - the one whom you left alone, and for the life of me I really didn't know how to converse with people whom I was uncomfortable with, and believe me when I tell you that I was uncomfortable with almost everyone else entirely. And so for the longest time- when I failed at trying to be friends with people whom I couldn't be comfortable with - I would just run away from that group of people and try to erase the clumsy tracks of the awkward girl inside the cool people's circles. I've lost a lot of potential friends that way, as well as harbor a good deal of painful memories of trying to be understood when you feel like you are so different. I never got to show those people who I was, and when I run into them now, I still feel like the weird girl who never got invited to go out with them. But as I trudge from one circle of people to another, it is always a challenge to try to bring out a version of myself that people can relate to and understand better, and I can only hope that I am able to do that, even for just a little bit, with some of the friends I have been able to keep. But those weird girl feelings remain unresolved, and I am quite unsure how to deal with them.