look up to the sky

days have become more and more stressful as i get more and more close to becoming a quarter of a century.

you get grumpy when you realize how little of your life time goals (pegged at 25) you've actually accomplished, how far you are from the ideal that you thought you would become, or at least become closer to, by the time you turn 25.

people around me never forget to remind me of my complete lack of financial independence, or a stable job for that matter. yes, i still do not have a relationship, and yes, i have gained all that weight. no, i do not have oodles and oodles of money from my "exciting job" and no, i no longer go to church. it is not because i eloped, or got married, or am pregnant. just because it is december does not mean that i have had a personal "immaculate conception". i am the way i am now just because.

do not try to reform me, or renew me or make me feel guilty with offers of prayer. i am fine, i am getting by, i am alive.

yes, i am grumpy. yes, i am far from where i thought i would be.

there are plenty things to be grumpy about. but even on the most difficult days, the universe finds little ways to remind you that there are beautiful things still...all you need to do is to look up to find them.

these are pictures of the sky that i took while driving. only when i am driving do i feel like i am really in control of my destiny, and at the very least when i am driving i can look up at see this.











the sky. one of the few beautiful things that i still believe in.

when all else fails...just look up.

a burst of randomness

i haven't been posting for quite some time. i think all this time, i was waiting for some awesome moment to occur that i would deem worthy of a post, when really, my days have been filled with (what i feel) is so much sameness. after all the shoots have been done, all of a sudden, my entire life since then felt like i was living in between days - except that the IN BETWEEN - became permanent. that is how ive been feeling for the longest time. like i've been waiting, for what exactly? I don't know.

not that there weren't moments that were worthy of posterity. A lot of my weekends have been such surprises to me - celebrations of bonds and ties that i didn't realize were deeper that what i originally thought they were. random discoveries of treasures over laughter and bowls of gyudon. a shared closeness with someone over cups of hot cocoa at 3 in the morning. good friends i never knew were that good.

A few days back, I read this in an article somewhere - "Sometimes, the best feelings that we get are the ones that we barely notice."

and really, they are. while i was waiting for the big moments, i almost failed to notice the ones that were subtly and quietly important.

like how ive been able to stay the same amount of close, no, maybe even closer to my good good girlfriends from law school, even though i left. when i left i had felt that i was somehow closing the door to people whom ive shared bests and worsts with for 2 years. now even though law school feels so disjuncted from who i am now, they are so much a part of what i treasure now.

like how at the most random moments, a seemingly accidental visit to a friend can be a much needed refuge - even if it is just sitting quietly together. a lot of times i worry about what i bring to the table in terms of our friendship - i think she most definitely rocks much much more than i do - but what a surprise to realize that just being there is enough.

like how you rediscover how delighted you are to still hang out with someone you see almost everyday. how so much laughter can be derived out of not knowing where to go or what to do. over rediscovering krispy kremes.

like how your luck can make other people's dreams come true, even for just one night. for one night we were all hotel heiresses, and it was good.

this is my life. it is mine. and i live it with pride. i love how i have too many friends. they are what keeps me sane.

i cant believe how in my angst over nothing ever happening i almost forgot what a joy they were to have.