leaving your old self behind

the ratpack never fails to make me feel like myself again - even at a time when i couldn't be more different.

the other day while waiting for the feature film to begin, the new nike ad was shown, and though i found it annoying while it was running, now i cant get it out of my mind. it featured a guy running alone on a dirtroad, apparently talking to someone, sometimes taunting, sometimes encouraging, sometimes just downright annoying. one part of it is him convincing himself to stop running, the other part is convincing himself to run faster. the line of the ad reads - leave your old self behind. and off he goes running, leaving the whiney him in the dust.

and so 2 days after, here i am sitting, thinking if the me now is really the one i should take with me.

ive been reading the old posts, and the lack of new posts now is only testament to how much of my old self ive already begun to lose - partly because of law school, partly because of growing up, partly because - i dont know. there's still so much i dont know about that old self. the chirpy, doe-eyed, optimistic girl i was a year ago. the one who was so excited to be in law school because she would finally get the direction she craved for. who was excited at being on a track. that led to a definite ending. cookie-cutter clear.

skip to one year and a few months after - me, hating the direction that the path i chose is taking me. hating the fact that so many of the possibilities i wanted to explore were closing. hating the growing reality that im well on my way to becoming the worlds most mediocre legal practicioner (assuming i manage to coast my way through the 4 years and pass the bar). i get a headace everytime i begin reading for any of my classes, which gets progressively worse when i begin to think about the classes i missed and the backlog of things i have to read before finals. i get a headache when i get asked by a classmate about what i think about the case, and i get a headache when i get asked by classmates if i managed to finish the entire reading assignment. im irritable about absolutely everything. especially about the fact that i cant even answer for myself what i want to do to remedy the situation.

i dont have any answers. i dont have any possible solutions to get the answers. i dont believe the answers will come any time soon.

what self am i going to leave behind?

and now i cant run because ive given myself a headache. AGAIN.