crosses to bear

this whole entire month has been, quite literally, hell for me. but then you see someone and realize you are not the only one with a heavy cross to bear. there are in fact others more kind than you, more deserving than you, who are tested in the same heavy way, if not more.

my friend jessie is one. i could not imagine a kinder girl. she is really, really beautiful. both physically and inside. she is the kind of girl whom, when you share your problems with her, will be equally bothered and burdened, and will be beside herself with joy when you tell her something wonderful. she is the kind of girl who can say she prays for you every night and really mean it. i have never heard her utter a mean word to anybody. she works as a full-time mission worker for couples for christ. she is an angel walking on earth, as my friend deb says.

and yet, here i am, waiting for it to be 5:30 so that i can go to the hospital to visit her, and to talk to her so that she can try to find motivation to wake up. she, along with candy, another mission worker, were flung many feet away from an owner jeepney when it turned turtle in mindoro. and only weeks before she was supposed to leave for a much-awaited and much deserved sabbatical to india. now, she is still rather unconscious, unrecognizable, and weak beyond belief. the first time i saw her on the bed, i nearly cried. because i felt guilty for being mad at God at the hand He dealt me, when i knew that Jessie had all the more reason to be so. and all the more guilty because i knew that, even though her face was broken, and she cannot open her eyes to see or her mouth to speak, she was not angry with God. despite the many machines that were working to keep her stable, her face reflected the inner peace of someone who was comfortable in God's plan for her. and i felt ashamed.

my cross just suddenly seemed so inconsequential. so i suppose, for all of you who are thinking that nothing can lighten the load the are carrying, just remember that there is someone somewhere in the world more burdened than you. and remember to offer a prayer for them.