at a loss for words

a resurrection of a memory circa 1998 in antipolo.

me lugging a large suitcase in the entrance to a 3-day camp. a very cute guy comes up to me and asks me if i want help.

Guy: kailangan mo ng tulong? baka malaglag ka sa hagdan niyan ha?
me: (flashing my brightest smile) umm. sige ba. kaya lang mabigat ha. baka sisihin mo ako.
guy: (lifts it and realizes it IS heavy. smiles at me and says...)...ang bigat nito ha. 3 days lang tayo ah! bakit parang ang dami mong dala?
me: (smiling coyly. hah. the one and only time i think i was able to accomplish that look) kasama ko kasi mommy ko. (i gesture to the suitcase).
guy: hahaha! tita ok lang po kayo?

(and we start talking to the suitcase for a good 5 minutes. all the way up to my room where he promptly sets the suitcase down)

guy: it was really great meeting you and your mom. (winks at me sabay smile and turns to leave. i swear he pulled it off)

i promptly swoon and start jumping on the bed. a crush is born. or should i say MU? hehehe.

THAT was my one isolated success at flirting. which is why i remember it so well.

you see, the moment i acknowledge in my mind when i like someone, i LOSE ALL ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE to that person. i clam up and lose all thoughts in my head. and so, more often than not, i steer clear of any guy i like. lest i want to make it known that i am at a loss for words because of them. and so most of the time, i just maybe read, or smile into the distance. because my tongue-tiedness just might be the key to my undoing. argh.

and so, when the fateful time arrives for me to determine whether or not i like someone, i have also lost the ability to charm my way further into his heart. starcrossed forever. and so i am juliet and the whole world is my romeo.

and we shall never be together.