thoughts

i want to get married. i really do. in past posts, and in many conversations, it is something that i talk about with much fervor. i never said i never wanted to get married, and i don't think i ever will come to that point. unfortunately, it was with a resigned resoluteness that i said what i feared would happen: that my parents will not live to see me or my brother get married, for reasons independent of my will, or of his. it has always been my fear that when push comes to shove, and everyone else gets together, i will be the lone wallflower standing in the corner, AND THAT SCARES ME. because i dont want to be.

i want to be married and have children and live in a house and teach them to read and to sing and to make friends and to be good people. i want to make them experience everything that i missed growing up. i want them to make the decisions i never could make, never was allowed to make.

except that all my prayers for that seems to fall on deaf ears, and it sometimes feels like i am supposed to be asking for acceptance where i ask for romance, or excitement, or whatever wrong thing it is im asking for. and so, at times, when my head is unclear, i try to see if i can steel myself into believing that i can in fact survive a life alone.

i guess in times of independence and power-women, its hard to say you don't want to be alone without being judged. but here i am, putting it out unto the universe. i don't.