lost...but not so happy

i haven't slept for more than three days. i know i already look like a raccoon and my skin is breaking out. breaking out and peeling and the sides of my mouth are extremely dry. i have sores inside of my mouth and cold sores outside of my mouth. i think that this is the first time philippine weather has did me in physically. it is as if my body is attempting to complement perfectly the way i feel. i feel bad.

for some unexplainable cause? i don't know. if not for the cold weather, it is as if christmas were not on its way at all.

what do you do when you know so many things that you cannot tell anyone about? and the fact that you know of these things does nothing more than to shake your whole belief system and prove to you that your whole personality as you knew it was built on lies? how does one rise to the occasion on instances such as this? i feel so lost. things are no longer a party, and no amount of music or drama or ugly party wear on others can make it seem more so.

the first night i was up i couldn't stop thinking about how disappointed my parents would be that they would not be able to throw a wedding party of any sort for me, or relish at the thought of me finding the right person, or them having grandchildren. i have found that my calling in life is desolate permanent spinsterhood. and it is. i keep on going around in circles trying to answer for myself the question of when it will come, and the answer is always that it is not. this is the end of family as we know it. for me at least. for our lineage. but even so, even if the odds of making a good match (as jane austen so aptly put it) were more appealing for me, i am not more compelled to do so because all the married people around me have been showing me how horrible it is to actually get into. all the lying and the backstabbing and the pushing of buttons will drive you nuts. the children will just be madly confused at who to blame.

my brother is none better. and i will stop at that.

as my mom put it, we are such problem children. and bad as it may be, i cannot think of anything to be thankful for. i am sorry god. but are you coming?