...right now, productive. slept the whole day, ate unhealthy chemically processed pancit canton and carbonara packaged like noodles and corn chips and chocolate and gummy bears, watched the emmys twice and slept in between all of those activities while reading back issues of preview. aaaaahhh. my idea of bliss. of course, tomorrow will be a different story. and so the saga goes on. ia vs. readings - consti, persons, crim, et al. kaso na naman.
...in love. i really do! spent the whole sunday morning arguing with rosanne over how NOT IN LOVE i was though. and i'm not! i wish i was. it would be a welcome change to get out of bed all giddy and excited to start the day. to pick out clothes that will bring sparkle to the eyes of the one you love. to give someone a good morning kiss and to not be able to wait to give him a welcome-how-was-your-day kiss. to go to class or work with the smell of someone's after shave on your clothes or even just the soapy clean scent of his shirt on your skin. to not be able to wait to talk about how much you missed him and listen to how his day went. ah. maybe i already am in love...with the idea of being in love. or maybe that is just the chocolate doing the talking.
...working for a beauty mag. i read even back issues with the thirst of an ugly desperate woman. (though i am not really far from that i know). i keep on looking at the pages wistfully hoping the answer to questions on how to live my life (and look good doing it).
...decisive. can't seem to say right out if i want out of law school. can't seem to stop complaining about it but i can't seem to say for real that i want out either. baby steps i suppose. is this something i can be good at? lawyering = yes. law student-ING? = probably not. i swear i have the heart for it. i certainly want to help through it. but to have to go through the 4 years fending off insults...hooboy.
...thin again. so i can finally be on tv. there. i said it. it's no longer a secret. i think it has to stop being one so that i will become compelled to actually do something about it. but how??? i am so out of touch. but i watch tv wistfully. wishing i were part of the machination behind it. i know in my law interview i said i didn't know if i could be part of the industry and still like myself. but now i don't know if i can stand not to do anything about it and not hate myself in the process.
...brilliant. my dad is. my friends are. ive missed the feeling of walking into a room and knowing that you have a right to be there because you know you're good. and the people around you know it too. i miss being inspired by a brilliant idea. and having it inside you to make it real.
...travelling. there is a painful feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think of how the sem break is coming up and how i might not deserve a trip out of town seeing that i most probably will fail 2 of my subjects. then, i don't even deserve a rest.
...earning my own money. this keeps on coming up. night class or not? now i'm beginning to get settled into the idea of day class for the four years again. i don't know. oooh. but got a call from accenture asking if i wanted to maybe interview with them. i didn't even apply. cool. a sign? i dunno.
...given the gift of all the time i need in a day. ah. that would indeed be wonderful.
what do you want to be? Ü
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