delusions

im watching an oprah replay and this girl is on who's talking about how prepared she is for a career in auto-eroticism. she seems to believe so much in what she's doing, that she is indirectly selling herself for sex to put herself through college. and she's justifying it by saying..."its auto-eroticism, it puts money on the table...it happens.:"

and yet she seems so articulate and forceful about it.

its sad.

i find it sad for me and for all the girls who believe so firmly in that trade.

i find it sad for me, because they seem to have more faith in themselves and in what they do there than i do in myself now. as im about to embark on this whole new journey.

everyday i seem to find more things to doubt about myself. its a challenge to convince myself that there are enough things to believe for me to just walk through everything everyday.

aaaahhh. but how true. this guy on oprah was talking about how we need to go through all of these experiences...to fail, to doubt ourselves, to be able to dig deep and come out and deliver ourselves to our dreams. we need to go through that to get there. how apt.

somehow i just feel like im drifting through everything. sometimes i dont even remember the stuff i go through. for now, all thats important is that i allow myself to go through them.

that being said...here's a dilemma. should i go to cebu this weekend? ive been wishy-washy about it because on my own, i know i can't afford it. i dont know if i deserve it, but i dont know that i dont. i want to though...and i do have money with my dad (left over from the trip). i dont know when i can do this again (when school starts) but i do know that i need to start this dream (to travel the country one island at a time) if i dont do it now when i still can. i don't know if im patterning (is there such a word? damn! i keep interrupting myself!!!) this after my friend...but i do know that its a worthwhile idea. and one that is not completely exclusive to anyone.

another thing i need to convince myself about.

does anyone wanna join me? why cant i go on my own?

help!!!