In Search of the Next Big Thing

I spent a good part of today working. Working on invitation designs and program flow proposals for my debut client. Not studying my lessons, not reviewing important subjects. Doing work completely unrelated to law. Today being a Saturday, one of my few free Saturdays at that, I wondered why I wasn't making better use of my time. Answer: with everything else that I am doing, I feel like I still have to pencil into my schedule my neverending search of the next big thing. Or in my case, my first real big thing.

Now being 27, hence, there being many, many years after college, I find it quite frustrating to realize that I have yet to find a calling, a purpose, or just a place in an industry where I feel quite at home. Even everyday mundane activities such as planning my day or watching the TV reveals to me how some of my colleagues are already on their way; some are even already there. (Case in point: watching TV I saw my former boss back in the spotlight as the new EIC of a new magazine; planning my day I discovered that a friend was with some of our friends shopping for office clothes for their new careers as full-fledged lawyers. Obviously, they have found their calling. Obviously, for them, the search has ended, and real life can begin.

The process of marriage and babies and rearing children and growing old together and getting wiser with age. Of knowing that you are where you are supposed to be.

I suppose, for me "real life" has been the constant searching for a place, and who's to say that that isn't a life? But when will it be my turn to say, "Ah, it's time to settle now. Here." I know there are people older than I am who are in limbo in the same hellish way, but it gets to be such an uncomfortable place. And the view from where I stand isn't getting any prettier.

The only wisdom I can offer from being in this part of my life is for you (anyone who feels the same) to have enough faith and hope to see what tomorrow will bring. Perhaps the next step will be the one that leads you to your BIG THING. Perhaps its this post. Whilst writing this indulgent nonsense I like to think that someone out there is benefiting from my musings.

When I dream sometimes, I get a vision of what I imagine my "real life" would have been, if things were ideal: me cooking pancakes on a Sunday morning, listening to the sounds of my little children laughing outside; having coffee and reading the Sunday news with my husband. We have a pool, we have bagels, we have easy banter. When I think of that I smile.