feelings

im writing this crying, both the saddest and the happiest that i have been in a long time.

i got a letter from an aunt whom i haven't spoken to in a long time, and reading her letter just opened the door to feelings that i havent thought about or allowed myself to feel for quite a while now.

i dont know if everyone does this, but for so long ive been fixated with turning into someone whom i always thought i should be. less affected. more in control of my emotions. but i think i will always be the kind of person who lives her life governed by the way she feels.

these past few months...i have felt inadequate, to say the least. i hit 25 without much cause for celebration. no big career, no milestone turning point, no big relationship, no clear direction of where im supposed to go. i still don't know. how grown up could i be? my only instincts are to follow what my heart feels towards certain aspects of my life.

like find my life's calling (i still haven't).

like finding someone, THE one. i call him the bright eyed one. i dont know if he exists, but when i am sad, sometimes i talk to him. right now, with a good deal of my friends getting married, getting first kisses, getting engaged, getting coupled up, i feel so much like i have to steel myself from feeling lonely. everyone else is moving on. what am i waiting for? who am i waiting for? what am i doing wrong? why isn't anyone coming? am i really that ugly/desperate-looking/peculiar/fat/wrong? (does believing that there is someone out there make me desperate? a lot of the time, i think other people see me as desperate. or disgusting. or both.)

like making the right decisions for myself. or at least being convinced that what i decide is right, for me.

a lot of the time now, i find myself walking around, asking myself if this is the most that i could expect of my life. feeling so uncertain about the decisions that i make, caring too much about what other people have to say or think about me.

when my parents look at me now, i wonder if they see a failure? a lot of the time i think that they do. i still don't know how to feel about that.

but my aunt's letter reminded me of how i felt when i was allowed (by myself and by everyone else) to just be me.

it's just nice to know that at one point in my life, i was loved like that, by anyone.

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hi ia... just want to let you know that i'am a constant reader of your blog. there were so many times i wanted to post a comment but as always got lost doing something else.. well for a change today i'm off from work and i woke up early and tried to make it to the computer. the truth is... that last night i was browsing through your pictures and it made me realize how time flies so fast. i'am so old...growing old gracefully accomplishing something good with the person i took a vow with(for better or for worse.)was all i ever wanted but here i'am still lost and searching.. when will i ever grow up the way you did? i'm just thinking out loud... i'm retarded... enough about me. let me continue.. so i was browsing your everything in friendster that i ended up sleeping so late.. then i had a dream.. boy it was so real...a rewind of how it was when you stayed with us for vacation in balibago. you were dada's little girl.. we all loved you but dada adored you. when it was time for you to leave after a week or so of being with us or even for the weekend, dada cries... literally... i did too and so does tito bott and wawa and baps. i think mama is the strongest among us.. she will always say.. ala tang acarapat, anac de ita (wala tayo magagawa, anak nila yun)... deep inside though i know..and i should know because she's my mother... she's crying inside too.
my dream last night was a rerun of a portion of my life... slideshow... of scenes which i realized now in retrospect are the happiest times of my life. a little girl running around the house in balibago... waking up so early weekday or weekend to catch up with me and tito bott so she could lie down in between us under the blanket. the little girl who loved taking a bath in atching mally's batcha or outside with me with the hose under tito botts trellis in the garden... in a real rush though because we have to finish our daily shower with the hose before mama comes home from work and we would hear her yell... hoy ma-pulmunya ya ing anac ayan (hoy! mapupulmonya ang batang yan!)!! once again last night i saw and held the hand of the little girl who loved to giggle with me in the dark while we walked the dark street of balibago, again in a rush because we just sneaked out of the house from mama to go to wawa and get our share of whatever goodies we can take including vetsin and band aid and shampoo and whatever which she would unselfishly give because she too adored the little girl i was with... two scened were so vivid though, i don't know if you remember but one day i got you so frustrated and upset that you said " sana hindi na lang ikaw ang asawa ni tito bott, sana ang asawa ni tito bott si sharon cuneta" hahaha!! that was hilarious... there was also one time we were fighting and i told you to not enter our room , you just ignored me, you walked right in and told me " wag mo na siya awayin... kasi asawa mo naman siya" you were a 4-5 year old going thirty. you're an old soul.. i woke up from my dream with that innocent pretty face staring back at me and i did not realize till this morning that i miss her so much.. she use to be my friend... our friend... she use to sing bing rodrigo's song "kung mawawala ka sa akin and isang linggong pag-ibig to annoy tito bott early in the morning or to get him to massage her. we use to laugh and talk and eat and share jokes...

i miss you and take care..

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i just wanted to thank her for sharing these things with me. for reminding me of how it felt to be that kind of happy.

i miss feeling that way. i miss that girl.