uncertainty is the new plan

omygod.

has it really been this long? i just realized that the last time i posted was a few months back.

my life has been very different from the way it's been in the last few years.

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days are longer.

i realize that there are so many seconds in a minute. minutes in an hour. hours in a day.

i do not lay my head on my pillow at night with the final thought in my head being "sana hindi ako matawag today."

my sanity is not dependent on how much of the stack of photocopied cases i have actually read.

i get to see a lot more of my old friends.

i get to put in a lot of leisurely reading.

i get to watch guilt-free tv.

i get to have sunday morning brunches with good girlfriends.

i get to laugh more and meet people who are not on their way to becoming lawyers.

(these are the things i can think of that are different now)

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and yet, there are a lot of things that i miss too. about my old life.

my expanding clips are now used as gel holders for our set lights.

a good part of my reading materials are being used as scratch papers for future script drafts.

i can no longer marvel at how much reading i have accomplished during the day (although my good friends jacqui and zara insist that this in itself is a skill worthy of a CV mention).

my borrowed copy of bernas' annotated 1987 constitution sits on my night table still...a part of my regular reading list. i find myself reading parts of it at random times of sleeplessness.

i miss the feeling of not being on "a path to prestige", no, to "greatness".

i miss knowing what comes after one part of your life ends. freshman year to sophomore year to junior year to senior year to the bar to practice.

and although i did not see it visualized in my head, i miss imagining how i would be when it was my turn to do litigation. its funny how even now that i know differently when i imagine myself as a lawyer i am still doing closings and summations and saying "i object!"

but most of all i miss the people. i really do.

there is much to be said about spending the most gut-wrenchingly horrifying moments of your life with a set of people randomly chosen to undergo the same fate as you. it fuses you together.

even when i am really happy and laughing out loud in careless abandon i find myself wondering about my blockmates. how they are doing, how they are faring, what they are thinking about in that exact same moment that i am not there, in my old seat. do they miss me? are they relieved that there is one person less to drag the class curve down?

but i digress.

when people ask me "do i plan to return to law school?", i honestly do not know what to say.

it does not bother me that they are asking...but it bothers me that when they do i do not have an answer ready for them.

and i've had an answer ready since i was about three.

when people asked me what i wanted to be it was always lawyer. well...except for that short time in high school when it was lawyer/supermodel ala claudia schiffer.

how could i not know now? i don't know how. i just don't.

now that new opportunities are arriving...i find myself even more...confused.

about my options. what is it that i want?

i have a vague idea of what i want. in the most general form ever. i want to exceed my expectations. to break the box of what i set out to be before.

for now, i am just feeling around. seeing how i feel during the moment. a good friend of mine advised me today "just do what you want to do now. the rest will fall into place later." for now, that is the new plan. after all, my year isn't over yet.