a waste of an entire day

and here i thought last friday was the year's most horrible friday i would ever have to endure. but i think this is the worst one so far.

i shouldve known last night when i couldnt sleep. it was a feeling bereft of any silver lining. you just knew that no happy thought could save it. even the texts i sent didnt seem to work. i was searching for answers to questions i didnt know to ask. and every single reply i got made me feel more empty than ever. empty and alone.

this morning, i woke up with a hopefulness that i could make the day straight, and was gifted with an early morning text that i thought would make my day. my one professor decide not to hold classes. and so i was free to plan my day according to how i saw fit.

i planned to settle everything. my plan even had studying involved in it. i said, id spend the day at my dad's, spend time with him and study there until the time came for the play to start. it was a combination of everything i had been feeling down about. not getting to do my set goals. not being able to study. not being able to spend time with my dad. well, he certainly set it straight. not only did he not get up from bed the whole day, but he also decided he would not even tell me that he really had no intention to. he didnt talk to anyone, was grumpy when asked if he wanted to eat anything and even grumpier when asked how he was feeling. i mean, forget being gracious. every attempt to ask how he was, even when i had decidedly conceded we were not going to push through with the plans, were shot down with such vehemence. he didnt even say. it was only at the close of the day that i realized that he was not even going to tell me to make plans of my own. and at this point, i was already furious at myself that i had let the entire day slip and spent it watching shows and movies i didnt care to watch. i hate it when a day like this comes. what a waste of time.

i just hope i can manage to scrounge around for hope to perk up whats left of my day here. resigned though i might be, i just dont think i could face sleeping tonight knowing this whole entire goddamned day went by and i did nothing to stop it.

oh, and for the meantime, no plans with my dad anytime in the near future. the feeling of disappointment reeks.