untitled

*a note before you begin. i have a feeling some will laugh out loud whilst reading this. a testament to how the same i am. but this was written three long years ago.

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it's a mystery that i can never quite uncover, how i managed to throw away hours worth of practice at conversations which have encored so many times in my mind already. i could only shake my head and wonder where all the words had gone, just moments after i have so warmly welcomed and housed them in the lodgings of my mind. i tried many methods at harboring and maintaining a decent amount of composure, but like mold on a crusty piece of cheese when exposed to the sun, every single ounce of self-control disintegrates, and i just stand there, an unnoticed, formerly-mold-infested piece of cheese, waiting for a taker because the last one just went off. one would think after this long a time, i'd be immune to his kind of sunlight, but i was not. unfortunately, even the sound of his breathing was enough to send my senses into overdrive, hormones sprouting over like unwanted fungus, no longer able to function. heartbeats pounding at a whiff of him, soapy and clean. and when his long, lean frame walked into my line of sight, i saw everything was as perfect as it has always been. hormones dropped, my radar dies, a sharp untimely death. without a moment's chance to report to the control tower. it just dies. along with my hopes to exchange witty convivialities, my "what-do-you-think-of-the-situation-in-somalia-moments?". yet, he does not seem to notice my distress. with a confidence as steady as his heartbeat, he smiles at me and asks me how i am; a question as direct and as perfectly simple as he is. as always, he waits patiently as i process this last question, his smile slowly becoming uncertain. and as always, i do not answer, a million curses running through my head. unfortunately, this question is one i have not practiced beforehand. it is with these thoughts in mind that i watch his back get smaller and smaller, farther away from me. he walks away. unassuming. innocent. perfect.