on settling

a new perspective. a conversation i had with a friend of mine last night gave me a different way to look at why guys and girls are together. he said, a guy would most probably be with a girl because he knows hes bringing enough to the table without him feeling na "nalalaki siya ng babae".

the conversation reminded me of an ally mcbeal episode i saw, when an overweight man was trying to back out of his wedding with an equally large woman because he knew he was settling for the only one he was sure he could get. what he really wanted was to be with ally, she was his star. his unreachable. the one who would make his life worthwhile, because everything about being with her was what he wanted in his heart of hearts. he asked ally to marry him and she refused, because, while she was her unreachable star, he was not hers. his fiance, the obese woman, went to ally and put everything into perspective. settling. i will always remember what she said. "sometimes, when we hold out for everything, we end up with nothing. you have to make do with whats there."

and so in the end they did marry. marry into a life of pleasant, albeit not perfect, togetherness. and it was ally who was alone. holding out for billy. holding out for everything.

sometimes i think this is why i am alone. because i am holding out for the one who will fit into the void, even with all his flaws. one who's shaped so irregularly that only he can fit as the final missing piece of the puzzle that is our heart. and yet, i cannot make myself stop waiting. because i believe he will come. 22 years down the road, i still do not want to settle. the passionate side of me cannot accept it. i believe we are put here not to settle but to seek out people who, because we love them so much, we will strive to become better for. and then we will realize that all the work we have gone through was well worth it.

when that particular ally mcbeal episode ended it closed with a song that i will always remember. right now, it is one that holds a special significance.

i know him by heart

there's a secret path ive followed
to a place no one could find
where id meet the perfect someone
ive kept hidden in my mind

where my heart makes my decisions
till my dream becomes a vision
and the love i feel
may seem real someday

'cause i know he's out there somewhere
just beyond my reach
though ive never really touched him
or ever heard him speak
though we've never been together
we've never been apart
no we've never met, haven't found him yet,
but i know him by heart.

am i living an illusion
wanting something i can't see
if i compromise, i'd be living lies
pretending love's not meant to be
but i know my heart's worth saving
and i know that he'll be waiting
so i'll hold on, and i'll stay strong till then

so for those who are holding out, know that you are not alone. there are still some of us left. and anyway, there's no shame in being alone. it's only a place to start.