these past few weeks i have been running away...from parts of my world, because i no longer feel like i belong in it.
i have been hiding from my friends and people whom i thought were my friends because i did not want them to see how badly i was doing. and so now that i have succeeded in cutting nearly everyone off, instead of feeling light (after unloading all that load off my shoulders - hey, no one said mediocrity was light) I feel insanely heavy.
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i can no longer live with the pace that i used to. i can only walk now. slowly.
i have no funny stories, no witty anecdotes, no pretty clothes, no token boys.
i have only me. and i am not sure if that is good enough.
--------------
this is why i have been so ashamed. and why i have been hiding from everyone.
earlier today i spent the evening over dinner and coffee with old old friends of mine. we got to discussing friends, issues, and friends with issues, and before i knew it, i saw myself in one of the "needy friends" that we were talking about. the consensus had been "cutting off" people whom they thought dragged us (they had yet to discover that i was dead weight) down. and it terrified me to think of whether or not my other friends saw me that way too. perhaps cutting myself off had been the right choice after all.
i decided to keep mum about my life when in the company of other people, lest i be dubbed as needy and be forcibly cut off.
so i was surprised when a different friend told me exactly the opposite. she said, only a fairweather friend would leave you when you are at your lowest point. and while i was keeping quiet, she told me that she saw me more like a sister - someone who you would never ever leave.
the sincerity of her statement made me cry.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
esteem
so some guy ran over my left foot today. some people can be so thoughtless. i was standing in the side of the parking lot when i felt the front of the car nudge my leg from behind. i didn't even have time to react when i felt the front wheel of the same car go over my foot. the asshole who ran over my foot didnt even have the decency to ask if i was okay or to acknowledge that he ran over me. and he had the gall to block my car when i tried to leave my slot.
not having the presence of mind to get out of the car and talk to the guy, (i was also nervous that he/she would turn out to be some crazy violent freakazoid with a gun) i left the parking lot (my foot seemed fine though obviously traumatized by the weight of the car) only to discover after driving a few meters away that it was getting numb and sort of swollen. i decided to turn back to at least try to get the name of the guy who was driving. after all, if after checkup, had we discovered anything broken or injured more than what was apparent, there had to be someone else who would pay for this.
the guy turned out to be the biggest asshole. i cant believe that there are people who grow up to be like that. while i had approached the guy with civility in mind, his brashness and misplaced bravado was something that i could not fathom. he had the gall to suggest that it was he who would take me to court (for what?!) and that I think I know everything. He refused to show any valid ID and refused to acknowledge his mistake. He also did not offer to at least take me to have my foot checked. ang kapal. people like this make me sick.
while there are times when i feel like my better judgment is lost, and even though i was (somewhat) humiliated by this guy (he tried to make it seem like it was my fault he ran over me grrr), this situation was not one of them. while originally i decided that the injury was not serious enough (because i wasnt in pain), i thought it was important too that I at least check that i didnt break anything. i guess it was a self-esteem issue too. it might have been tedious but i was worth the effort. and if i wasn't going to stand up for myself, who would? after an xray and an examination by the infirmary doctor, i was told that my foot was not injured, but merely traumatized from the pressure put on by the car's weight.
to that ugly disgusting guy: i wish you would grow up (for real) and grow some balls, some humility, and some character. get better tint for your car and hopefully get some morals somewhere along the way too.
we don't need any more of your kind. i hope you never have to deal with anyone like you. nobody deserves that.
not having the presence of mind to get out of the car and talk to the guy, (i was also nervous that he/she would turn out to be some crazy violent freakazoid with a gun) i left the parking lot (my foot seemed fine though obviously traumatized by the weight of the car) only to discover after driving a few meters away that it was getting numb and sort of swollen. i decided to turn back to at least try to get the name of the guy who was driving. after all, if after checkup, had we discovered anything broken or injured more than what was apparent, there had to be someone else who would pay for this.
the guy turned out to be the biggest asshole. i cant believe that there are people who grow up to be like that. while i had approached the guy with civility in mind, his brashness and misplaced bravado was something that i could not fathom. he had the gall to suggest that it was he who would take me to court (for what?!) and that I think I know everything. He refused to show any valid ID and refused to acknowledge his mistake. He also did not offer to at least take me to have my foot checked. ang kapal. people like this make me sick.
while there are times when i feel like my better judgment is lost, and even though i was (somewhat) humiliated by this guy (he tried to make it seem like it was my fault he ran over me grrr), this situation was not one of them. while originally i decided that the injury was not serious enough (because i wasnt in pain), i thought it was important too that I at least check that i didnt break anything. i guess it was a self-esteem issue too. it might have been tedious but i was worth the effort. and if i wasn't going to stand up for myself, who would? after an xray and an examination by the infirmary doctor, i was told that my foot was not injured, but merely traumatized from the pressure put on by the car's weight.
to that ugly disgusting guy: i wish you would grow up (for real) and grow some balls, some humility, and some character. get better tint for your car and hopefully get some morals somewhere along the way too.
we don't need any more of your kind. i hope you never have to deal with anyone like you. nobody deserves that.
the debut
last Saturday, all my efforts to coordinate my first debut as a professional event coordinator came into fruition. despite all of the delays and the occasional technical difficulty, it was a huge success. I was happy that I had a hand in making someone's vision of their dream event come to life. after the event, the parents of the debutante told me that their guests were really impressed with my work and that they were going to refer me to other friends. though my feet ached and got blistered all over from running all around in heels that evening, I was so happy to discover that there were still some things that I could do right despite everything that's been going wrong lately.
pulling out of the event site parking lot, I felt a little bit like a debutante myself i suppose. even more than when I actually turned 18. then, it was more of a celebration for every woman in my clan who did not get to have their debut. now, it does feel a bit like coming out into the world. hey world, this is what I can do when I put my mind to things!
unfortunately (i know, i know, i must stop being so pessimistic), this week also heralds the beginning of what is hopefully my last year in law school. I hope the encouragement I got from coordinating a successful event will translate into inspiration to give this final year the effort that I never gave the other semesters. or at the very least, generate the love for law that i have been painstakingly waiting to arrive since 2004.
------------------
on a different note, today i got home from dinner with a good friend. i was supposed to celebrate my best friend's birthday at our scheduled dinner date, but a meeting gone long changed my plans. instead, i had dinner with my friend mel, because i just realized that she will be gone for three years after this, and because she is the kind of friend that you miss even when she's not too far away. thinking about our dinner, i remembered that i told her that if it wasnt for her leaving i wasnt sure if i would be meeting her as often as i have. we had a fun conversation with my good friends chris and trix who stopped by as we were having dessert to say hello. i love this couple so much. they have the ability to reduce me to a giggly girl almost all of the time, even when i am in my most foul angst-ridden moods.
driving home, i realized that my friend mel is similar to my friend trix. though it is true that her leaving soon is one of the reasons for me breaking my self-quarantine (to borrow a word from the swine flu people hahaha) rules, I realize that I am meeting her most of all because I really like hanging out with her. she is the kind of friend whom I don't feel compelled to put on a show for. at the moment i dont think i can be anyone more than me, and luckily, for her that is enough. she puts up with my snivelling whiney self.
oh and on an even more random note, i am quite liking how i wore my hair today. hahaha. wavy with curls at the ends and a sparkly headband. me likey. one day at a time.
pulling out of the event site parking lot, I felt a little bit like a debutante myself i suppose. even more than when I actually turned 18. then, it was more of a celebration for every woman in my clan who did not get to have their debut. now, it does feel a bit like coming out into the world. hey world, this is what I can do when I put my mind to things!
unfortunately (i know, i know, i must stop being so pessimistic), this week also heralds the beginning of what is hopefully my last year in law school. I hope the encouragement I got from coordinating a successful event will translate into inspiration to give this final year the effort that I never gave the other semesters. or at the very least, generate the love for law that i have been painstakingly waiting to arrive since 2004.
------------------
on a different note, today i got home from dinner with a good friend. i was supposed to celebrate my best friend's birthday at our scheduled dinner date, but a meeting gone long changed my plans. instead, i had dinner with my friend mel, because i just realized that she will be gone for three years after this, and because she is the kind of friend that you miss even when she's not too far away. thinking about our dinner, i remembered that i told her that if it wasnt for her leaving i wasnt sure if i would be meeting her as often as i have. we had a fun conversation with my good friends chris and trix who stopped by as we were having dessert to say hello. i love this couple so much. they have the ability to reduce me to a giggly girl almost all of the time, even when i am in my most foul angst-ridden moods.
driving home, i realized that my friend mel is similar to my friend trix. though it is true that her leaving soon is one of the reasons for me breaking my self-quarantine (to borrow a word from the swine flu people hahaha) rules, I realize that I am meeting her most of all because I really like hanging out with her. she is the kind of friend whom I don't feel compelled to put on a show for. at the moment i dont think i can be anyone more than me, and luckily, for her that is enough. she puts up with my snivelling whiney self.
oh and on an even more random note, i am quite liking how i wore my hair today. hahaha. wavy with curls at the ends and a sparkly headband. me likey. one day at a time.
Friday, June 12, 2009
something beautiful to tide us all over
life is hard, i know, and it can get particularly harder when you feel like there is no break from the monotonous stream of failure. but at the very least, when you least expect it, you are treated to greatness that live immortal through the words of geniuses past; and like puffs of fresh air, they revive you into thinking that better things are possible.
Romeo (To Juliet): If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
Romeo: Have not saints lips, and holy palmerstoo?
Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
Romeo: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant though, lest faith turn to despair.
Romeo and Juliet, Act I, Scene V,
William Shakespeare.
Breathe in, breathe out. I hope that you all find your little tidbit of joy in these words, much like I have. And now there is hope again. How can there be none in a world where beautiful words such as these can exist?
Romeo (To Juliet): If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
Juliet: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
Romeo: Have not saints lips, and holy palmerstoo?
Juliet: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
Romeo: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant though, lest faith turn to despair.
Romeo and Juliet, Act I, Scene V,
William Shakespeare.
Breathe in, breathe out. I hope that you all find your little tidbit of joy in these words, much like I have. And now there is hope again. How can there be none in a world where beautiful words such as these can exist?
Monday, June 08, 2009
is there no one else?
there are days when i wonder when anyone is ever going to get me. for all my reveling in my aloneness, sometimes i wonder if it wouldn't be too much to ask to have someone ask me how i am from time to time.
i feel like such an afterthought. this makes me want to cry.
i feel like such an afterthought. this makes me want to cry.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
OLALA. hahaha. blagag.
so OLA 1 finally ended today, and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. It was better than I imagined actually. I feel as though I won the lottery for the great SLs and the fun team mates. They certainly made the 2 months pass faster. I even liked the part where I worked. I enjoyed doing the pleadings (though I complained about them endlessly) too. Yet the end of OLA 1 also necessarily means the beginning of another academic semester.
This makes me sad. Especially since my attempts to overload have blown up in my face, and I emerged not vindicated but shot down at every turn. I wish I really was the kind of person who rebounds harder after she's been hit. But no, I am the wallow type of person, and I am licking my wounds even up to now.
On another hand, maybe this is fate's way of telling me that I should allow myself to have a life still this semester. I suppose if fate allowed me to have a good OLA 1 experience, then it wouldn't be too much to ask of Lady Luck to gift me with the grace to finish this semester (and the next) without getting kicked out, and without sacrificing everything that I want to do with my life still.
I hope this is what it means.
This makes me sad. Especially since my attempts to overload have blown up in my face, and I emerged not vindicated but shot down at every turn. I wish I really was the kind of person who rebounds harder after she's been hit. But no, I am the wallow type of person, and I am licking my wounds even up to now.
On another hand, maybe this is fate's way of telling me that I should allow myself to have a life still this semester. I suppose if fate allowed me to have a good OLA 1 experience, then it wouldn't be too much to ask of Lady Luck to gift me with the grace to finish this semester (and the next) without getting kicked out, and without sacrificing everything that I want to do with my life still.
I hope this is what it means.
Friday, June 05, 2009
meaning in the mundane
for the most part my life has been incredibly simple this summer. a huge chunk of it went to finishing the requirements for my required legal internship. though it was draining, the people on my team, though they may never know, brought a lot much-needed laughter into my otherwise dreary law school life. i had forgotten what it felt like to function as someone who wasn't invisible in the college of law. part of it went to spending weekend man-hours at the restaurant, and yet another part went to coordinating efforts at the debut that I have been working on for quite some time now. it was a weird kind of busy-ness. the kind that kept me indoors most of the time, due to sheer exhaustion in part, and due to a desire to act the part of a recluse. i reveled in books and in movies, in games and in tv shows. for these 2 strange months my entire world seemed limited to the four walls of my room.
thinking back, compared to last summer where i was ever the jetsetter (managing to visit australia, singapore, bacolod and boracay), this summer holds no excitement like that. but it was a calming sense of quiet when i was at home. quiet that i thought i would never get used to, or even like for that matter. yet as friday closed and saturday followed, i was always more than happy to trudge home and just watch videos or read a book in bed. what does this mean? or am i just getting older?
this book that i began to read just now told me to write even when i have nothing to write, if anything, to immortalize my life. these past few days have been exceedingly mundane yet exceedingly satisfying (or idling, who knows?). it suggested that i email a query to a library archivist which documented every query ever sent to them. but i suppose they (my days) deserve more than an entry in some book no ones ever going to read. so here goes:
this week marks the end of my reading the thirteenth tale by diane setterfield. this also marks the third book that i have managed to finish reading this summer. ever since i went on academic leave in 2006, i have taken note of every book that has passed my hands in an attempt to urge myself to read more. since then, i have read 26 books. not a lot, i know, but in my opinion a huge sign of progress and hope that all is not lost between me and reading. of the 26, 10 books were books that I have read last year, meaning (at least to me) that i have increased my book reading without too much effort on my part, and during law school at that! ironically, i realized that i was also more excited at realizing that i had read 3 books this summer than realizing that it was my (hopefully) last year in law school. perhaps because i am not really sure of what my law school future holds for me in these last 9 months. as someone very intelligent once said, these 9 months seem to symbolize a rebirth period of sorts, and hopefully, after it all, i will emerge reborn, a better person - or at least a person closer to the one i had envisioned when i entered into law school.
also, though i have done my share of complaining regarding ola, i found myself enjoying the experience once i settled into it. i enjoyed finding the answers to opponents' arguments, i even enjoyed talking to the people who came to OLA (though i thoroughly enjoyed hiding from the rraf people too hahaha). it made me think of what i thought i would be doing after law school, if for some reason i did pass the bar. it made me realize that given the circumstances, i suppose i could do the work. i was certainly not averse to it. but to what extent did i like it? i don't know. perhaps it was not "liking" per se but more tolerance than anything.
somewhere inside, there is a voice saying that there is something more...and i should be actively seeking out what that is.
i have also begun feeding my obsession with this new tv show "criminal minds", and i find myself questioning what it is about these kinds of shows that draw me in. is it the shock or the entertainment value? i find myself being intrigued at the nuances of criminal profiling. i wonder if that is an avenue that i can explore. hmm. or is this one of those phases of character love, like the time i wanted to play soccer after watching bend it like beckham, hahaha. god, i hope not.
the other day, my brother, my cousin and i had a mini pizza party after we decided we would order in. as we were devouring the pizza and the criminal profiling, i realized how content i was to be spending my night like this. it made me realize that for some reason i was no longer pining away for some absentee guy who wasnt sweeping me off my feet, resulting in me staying home. have i given up or merely settled down? i also realized that i preferred spending evenings like this now, slumming it in peejays and enjoying entertainment in the comforts of my own home. now to find a guy who will find me amazing despite this. hahaha. no, seriously, i didn't even feel like i was looking for anybody in particular this summer. i wonder what this signifies.
last night, i had dinner with a couple of good friends and we were laughing like silly people the entire time. i realized that over the last few months, i have maintained so few of the friendships that i had in previous years. now, i am no longer the busy bee flitting from group to group, but i have found comfort and solace in the company of fewer people. yet i am more happy with my relationships with them. i have more faith in them, more trust that they will be there for the long haul. i feel less pressure living up to standards of other people, and i find this level of friendship to be satisfying nonetheless.
today was spent running around in the rain to finish my errands for OLA, but another part of it was spent talking and foodtripping with a good friend. we had cheesesteak and halo-halo and popcorn and lots of conversation. and i just realized how much i am going to miss her.
tonight i begin a slew of new books that i must return to mel before she leaves: i have just begun A Year in High Heels by Camilla Morton and Angels by Marian Keyes. I have also started The Audacity of Hope by Obama again. I strengthened my resolve to read the Classics. Tomorrow is my last duty day for OLA. I have to go to sleep now if I am going to make the 8am call time.
mundane but not really I suppose.
thinking back, compared to last summer where i was ever the jetsetter (managing to visit australia, singapore, bacolod and boracay), this summer holds no excitement like that. but it was a calming sense of quiet when i was at home. quiet that i thought i would never get used to, or even like for that matter. yet as friday closed and saturday followed, i was always more than happy to trudge home and just watch videos or read a book in bed. what does this mean? or am i just getting older?
this book that i began to read just now told me to write even when i have nothing to write, if anything, to immortalize my life. these past few days have been exceedingly mundane yet exceedingly satisfying (or idling, who knows?). it suggested that i email a query to a library archivist which documented every query ever sent to them. but i suppose they (my days) deserve more than an entry in some book no ones ever going to read. so here goes:
this week marks the end of my reading the thirteenth tale by diane setterfield. this also marks the third book that i have managed to finish reading this summer. ever since i went on academic leave in 2006, i have taken note of every book that has passed my hands in an attempt to urge myself to read more. since then, i have read 26 books. not a lot, i know, but in my opinion a huge sign of progress and hope that all is not lost between me and reading. of the 26, 10 books were books that I have read last year, meaning (at least to me) that i have increased my book reading without too much effort on my part, and during law school at that! ironically, i realized that i was also more excited at realizing that i had read 3 books this summer than realizing that it was my (hopefully) last year in law school. perhaps because i am not really sure of what my law school future holds for me in these last 9 months. as someone very intelligent once said, these 9 months seem to symbolize a rebirth period of sorts, and hopefully, after it all, i will emerge reborn, a better person - or at least a person closer to the one i had envisioned when i entered into law school.
also, though i have done my share of complaining regarding ola, i found myself enjoying the experience once i settled into it. i enjoyed finding the answers to opponents' arguments, i even enjoyed talking to the people who came to OLA (though i thoroughly enjoyed hiding from the rraf people too hahaha). it made me think of what i thought i would be doing after law school, if for some reason i did pass the bar. it made me realize that given the circumstances, i suppose i could do the work. i was certainly not averse to it. but to what extent did i like it? i don't know. perhaps it was not "liking" per se but more tolerance than anything.
somewhere inside, there is a voice saying that there is something more...and i should be actively seeking out what that is.
i have also begun feeding my obsession with this new tv show "criminal minds", and i find myself questioning what it is about these kinds of shows that draw me in. is it the shock or the entertainment value? i find myself being intrigued at the nuances of criminal profiling. i wonder if that is an avenue that i can explore. hmm. or is this one of those phases of character love, like the time i wanted to play soccer after watching bend it like beckham, hahaha. god, i hope not.
the other day, my brother, my cousin and i had a mini pizza party after we decided we would order in. as we were devouring the pizza and the criminal profiling, i realized how content i was to be spending my night like this. it made me realize that for some reason i was no longer pining away for some absentee guy who wasnt sweeping me off my feet, resulting in me staying home. have i given up or merely settled down? i also realized that i preferred spending evenings like this now, slumming it in peejays and enjoying entertainment in the comforts of my own home. now to find a guy who will find me amazing despite this. hahaha. no, seriously, i didn't even feel like i was looking for anybody in particular this summer. i wonder what this signifies.
last night, i had dinner with a couple of good friends and we were laughing like silly people the entire time. i realized that over the last few months, i have maintained so few of the friendships that i had in previous years. now, i am no longer the busy bee flitting from group to group, but i have found comfort and solace in the company of fewer people. yet i am more happy with my relationships with them. i have more faith in them, more trust that they will be there for the long haul. i feel less pressure living up to standards of other people, and i find this level of friendship to be satisfying nonetheless.
today was spent running around in the rain to finish my errands for OLA, but another part of it was spent talking and foodtripping with a good friend. we had cheesesteak and halo-halo and popcorn and lots of conversation. and i just realized how much i am going to miss her.
tonight i begin a slew of new books that i must return to mel before she leaves: i have just begun A Year in High Heels by Camilla Morton and Angels by Marian Keyes. I have also started The Audacity of Hope by Obama again. I strengthened my resolve to read the Classics. Tomorrow is my last duty day for OLA. I have to go to sleep now if I am going to make the 8am call time.
mundane but not really I suppose.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
feeling of loss, loss of feeling
somehow I feel indifferent to events taking place regarding my progress in law school. Regardless of the passing of time, of the completion of subjects I still feel as though there is no guarantee that they truly have a place here.
For some reason, I get more emotional when I finish a book (a non-law one, in case there is a need to emphasize) than when I get through a law subject. Hmm.
For some reason, I get more emotional when I finish a book (a non-law one, in case there is a need to emphasize) than when I get through a law subject. Hmm.
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