random burst of happiness

these past few days have been nicely busy - spent on dinners with friends at random pleasant surprises like tickets to a great concert, surprise hangouts with friends, and even a surprise settlement in favor of my client! it makes me feel somewhat normal in spite of my downward spiral into depression.

today i am happy because instead of being in negotiable instruments class i am sitting at home writing this blog post. AND i am happy because i am meeting up with sanne and mel and carrie for dinner at one of my favorite places.

last night i was happy because kris treated mel and i to great seats at the boyz II men concert and we sang (well i did, mel just looked NR hahaha) our hearts out, sometimes with matching actions.

and i am also happy that one of the cases I worked on for OLA was successfully settled in our favor. it makes all those nights that i worked on my pleadings so worth it. and even that dreadful day when i had to brave the storm to drive to ortigas, get my pleadings signed by my SL, and find an open post office before 5PM. It makes me feel good to have done something good in a substantial way. parang kahit papano, may pag-asa pala for me in the legal world.

im just quite happy this week. this is a good day.

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on a completely different note, mel and i were exchanging mom stories yesterday, as we were both touched by 2 unrelated events with our moms.

mel, who will be leaving for japan in 2 days, told me about her mom's shoes which she always uses because it goes with everything. after unsuccessful efforts to find her similar shoes in her size, jokingly told her mom that she would be bringing them to japan with her. and her mom agreed! *tears* i know how hard it is for women to part with their shoes. unreplaceable ones even!

and now for my story. my mom bought these yummy crispy shrimp that taste like chicharon. my brother eats them like potato chips, so they ran out pretty fast. yesterday at breakfast i saw her eating them and i asked if meron pa. she told me ubos na so I started looking for other things to eat. and then she started picking out the shrimp from her food and she put them on one plate to give to me. *tears* i know they were her favorite and kahit na ubos na ibibigay niya pa sa akin yung isusubo niya. aww. i told her she should have them of course. but a touching story nonetheless.

hugs to you!

muddy

i feel...stained. no, soiled. whatever word you might have for someone who is irreparably damaged, that's how i feel. last night i felt it when i was driving home without no place definite to go.

i feel so...weird. so awkward with my place in the world. i think i may have made it next to impossible even for my closest friends to understand whats been going on in my head.

i resent so many things. i resent that i am always "the token black guy-type person" in every group i join. i resent that when i hang out with people from college there is this sinking feeling i get because i am the only one who has never been in a relationship, never dated anyone serious, never goes out with anyone insignificant, and it has become apparent that law school is not the only reason for my aloneness. i resent that i am the one who was left behind, the one who cannot get over her past, the one who was "once pretty", the one who once had so much going for her. i resent how i am always the one who initiates, who tries to understand but always comes out as the one who has to be humored, to be understood.

maybe it is only a matter of time.

ill say it if no one will.

i am the ugly girl you meet on the street.

so congratulations on being thinner, prettier, less pathetic, less everything-gross-and-morbid-that-you-would-never-want-to-be.

can we move on now? hmm. why can't i? why???

i am tired. again.

love love love

i havent thought about this in a long time. well, not that i havent thought about it at all, but lately i havent had the time to feel sorry for myself for never having fallen in love still.

i DO always think about it, but no longer often enough to still believe that it applies to me. and today, i stupidly saw a marathon of movies that had cheesy sappy love as their central theme and it got me thinking again of what it is that needs to happen so that i can finally say that i have loved someone, anyone, at least once in my life.

is it like jeopardy where i have to ask the right question in order to win? and if so, would any of these be the right question?

is it me?
what am i doing wrong?
are there really just people who are destined to be single forever?
would my life be less of a life if i died never having experienced that kind of love?

but then even with all those questions i wonder if it is me who is doing something wrong. if it has anything to do with the way i look, or how i live, or how i think and act and say the things that i do. why are there some people who just trip and find themselves in the middle of romantic entanglings?

dear universe, is it me? if it is, please give me a sign as to what i am doing wrong so i can fix it. kahit isang beses lang.

more apparent than real

this is a phrase that i often encounter in Supreme Court decisions, when the court disposes of "conflicts" between laws when harmonizing provisions that seem to be directing different modes of behavior. When the court finds a construction that will allow both conflicting provisions to co-exist, they always say that the conflict is "more apparent than real".

at this moment, i use this phrase to refer to several things in my life that i thought i was certain of, but realize that i was not. certain friendships, are, under the spotlight, more apparent than real.

certain opportunities are more apparent than real.

some of my potential, it seems, are more apparent than real.

perhaps there is some wisdom in cutting off people who offer no additional value in your life like my friend said. not in a kick-you-while-youre-down kind of a way, because that's just mean. but there are some differences in opinion that you do not just let slide.

sometimes, nice guys finish last because they are too busy letting other people pass them i guess.

society girls

today carrie and i made a new word for our singular meal during wednesdays and fridays.

brunchienda (say it like you mean it, preferably with an english accent hahaha)

this is short for breakfast lunch and merienda. we would have made it bruncher pero mas sosyal pakinggan ang brunchieda, plus, it sounds conveniently like hacienda which is very bagay to haciendera carrie. hihihi.

because we are lazy oafs, we do not consume breakfast before our 10:30 am class and we spend the time in between nego and civ law rev (12:00 - 2:00PM) cramming for civ, 3:30 is the time we eat our first meal during these fateful days.

ahhh. i am excited for brunchienda tomorrow. it shall be either pancakes or burgers.

soon, we figure starving artists and waifish models will be using the term we coined as the fashionable meal of choice of the painfully thin hoi polloi. ang labo. hahaha. i feel like i must end this bizarre post with an X O X O.

there you go.