How was 2008 for you?

For me, it was a mixture of great heights and great depths. Definitely a lot of blind leaps of faith in many different things! This year was an exercise in going for the adventure and a test of courage I think.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

Go on an international trip and pay for it with my own money! The Vietnam-Cambodia trip was kind of a leap of faith. Faith in myself that is. For the longest time, I've been wanting to go out of the country but I was always coming up with excuses on why I wouldn't be able to afford it. This year, I purchased a ticket via the Piso fare and willed myself to come up with the pocket money for the trip come the flight date. It was humbling and exhilarating at the same time, knowing that I had set a goal and that I had met it.

Passing Civil Procedure under Professor Avena. Leap of faith din ito. I was all set to drop this subject a second time when the Jun Lozada rallies broke out. With no other option but to just face the music, I stayed on and passed it! So far, it has been one of my most difficult law school hurdles. Now, Nego naman! In the words of Izzy..."Gosh..."

Sing solo in front of law school people nung Idolaw. Hahaha. It was...interesting. We won second place!

I went to Boracay! Finally! It was one of the most fun trips ever. The mix of both the environment and the people made for such a memorable trip.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I'll have to check the blog a year back for resolutions, but I think I managed to meet some very big ones, in particular, a lot of travel for me! I feel so blessed because of that.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! My friend Eya did. I'm so happy for her.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully no, but a lot of people close to me had a friend or a family member pass away. It was a bit unsettling to always have to go to the funeral parlor this year. Aren's mom, Izzy's grandmother, Sir Avecilla's mother, my ninong Jimmy's father, Zang's mom, among those that I remember.

5. What countries did you visit?

Oh so many! I loved that about this year.

Australia
Singapore
Vietnam
Cambodia

I also loved my local trips!

Bacolod
Boracay
Baguio

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

More discipline
More courage
More faith in myself
More desire to be better

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Not dates, but memories. I am like an Elephant when it comes to remembering memories. They all had their highs and lows. This year was also an exercise in knowing who your true friends are. And I was just so giddy at discovering that I had a great deal of true friends still.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

My trips! I always had close to no money, but I discovered that deciding I would go (for my own sanity's sake) was great motivation. It was very exciting finding ways and means to finance my trips, and even more exciting to actually go on them! Tama pala yung sinabi nila na "Pag gusto mo, gagawa ka ng paraan, kung ayaw mo, gagawa ka ng dahilan." Pwede na rin ang "Just do it." ng Nike. Now, to apply to law school goals HAHAHAHAHA.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Getting on top of my law school issues.

Correcting bad habits.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing death defying like that year I had dengue on Christmas day. But I got my share of the flu this year! Took about 3 exams while I had the flu. Luckily, I passed my subjects, though some by the skin of my teeth (whatever that means). Injury...injured heart??? Mwahahaha baduy.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Plane tickets! Hehehe. Obvious bang ito talaga ang pinaka-delightful thing na nangyari sa akin? I hope I can travel as much this coming year. Apart from that, all the meals and local trips I paid for that I spent in the company of my good friends.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Everyone who tries to better their behavior (even if they fell off the wagon sometimes) deserves celebrating! It's a struggle to even try, I know.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

No one in particular, but self-centered people make me depressed. That, and people who cannot distinguish what is right from what is wrong.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Travel and food adventures and gas.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Ay paulit-ulit. My trips! Also I got so excited for Christmas this year. As in June pa lang I was making Christmas music albums already!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Hmm. Can't say. Different songs remind me of so many things.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier, I was less angry this year, and also a bit more comfortable with myself.

ii. thinner or fatter? Eep. The same? I think the same since I fit into the same clothes.

iii. richer or poorer? Poorer! But richer in terms of expanding my travel horizons.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Meeting new people. Reading more non-law books. Putting myself out there. Feeling pretty and dressing up.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Complaining, procrastinating, losing sleep over someone I really shouldn't have considered.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Spent it with my family + cousins and their families from the maternal side. It was so pleasant! We ended up having a karaoke OPM fest. I loved all the Rey Valera and Sharon songs! The food was great too!: We had roast chicken stuffed with chestnuts, prunes, apples and bread, great nilaga, Ham, Chicharon Camiling, and other stuff I don't remember because I was busy paying attention to the fatty foods.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?

In like, but not in love. Thankfully!

23. How many one-night stands?

None! Good girl eh!

24. What was your favorite TV program?

This year? How I Met Your Mother and Golden Girls! Chuck too. These shows saved me from all the nights I couldn't sleep. I also loved the CSI shows, yeah even NY hahaha. Miami minsan. I loved the dark murder mysteries. I also really enjoyed Numb3rs!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hmm. I'm not one that hates a whole lot often. But there are some people that I like a lot less now. Though there is always time to change and rediscover new attributes!

26. What was the best book you read?

This year? Definitely Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It made me more comfortable inside my own life, and kind of gave me inspiration for what I was supposed to hope for in my life. Thanks Anna!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Sharon Cuneta songs on the magic mic hahaha. Too late, too late! I also liked the groups we featured in Abbondanza. My current love is Baihana! Catch them at Mag:Net Katipunan!

28. What did you want and got?

Travel! More meetups with friends! A sense of comfort in aloneness, sort of.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

So many! The Dark Knight, Iron Man, all the mababaw films I saw.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I had a super fun party at home with my family and friends! I was 26. I loved that party! My friends contributed by being their normal crazy selves.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Hmm...Romantic love maybe? I mean, I don't need it but who doesn't want that? I'm not sure I've ever been really in love, so it would be nice to know how that feels.

Total and complete confidence in myself and in my abilities.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

More quirky! I love it. Dressing up is so much fun now. Because I had so little money for everything else, I discovered the value of shopping inside your closet. Pairing new things made dressing up more exciting. Also, being (more) accepting of my body now made it more bearable to dress up.

34. What kept you sane?

My friends! My favorite books, and TV shows. They calmed me down.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

-Not big on celebrity/public figures.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

This is something I need to work on! I need to form an informed opinion on political issues, or any other issue for that matter.

37. Who did you miss?

Everyone whom I didn't see as often as I wanted because of school!

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Not new people, but a new name and a funner way to spend time together. The superslackers! Panalo.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Sometimes, you really need to just do it to get through an obstable.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:


The rest is still unwritten!

rethinking the thinking

so last night was a rather interesting evening. i had dinner with a group of my friends from my org in college, and while i will not expound on the juicier tidbits of the evening whilst we sipped on our cocktails, at the close of it deng asked us all what our resolutions are for 2009, and all i could think of for me was "to try not to think too much."

I do think i have this habit of overthinking things, so much so that after every pondering that I do, I am no longer sure of how spontaneous I can be (if I am ever), because every thought, every thing has been so premeditated and run through inside of my head. I already have a response to every possible outcome/reaction/externality (that I can conceive of in my brain, and believe me, I conceive a lot). This is why I am an insomniac I think, and why I have taken to white noise to help me get some much-needed sleep at night.

This overthinking is my main barrier to doing things by feeling, and is why I always am at a quandary as to how I am supposed to think, act or feel. I always am thinking about what is the right thing to do, or what do people expect of me? Today I read this from somewhere and it just struck a chord inside, because it makes a lot of sense.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

Indeed. I have been building walls around my heart since the first (and only?) time I fell in love. I suppose it started because falling short of the expectations of someone you love hurts so damned much. To me, more than anything, though he (whom I loved) never really asked me to change, the most important thing was to anticipate what he needed, and become exactly that. Obviously, we didn't end up together - he needed someone far more real than the caricature of his perfect girl that I had become, but I don't think I have fully recovered. There are pieces of my old self that I don't even remember, save for a few stories now and then by old friends who would tell me of how funnily brazen I was. I don't remember that girl, but I want to.

And so 2009 begins, for me with this mission to break the walls that I myself created around my heart. Perhaps to pull out the knives stuck in there from loving him and others that came after him that prevent me from healing completely.

One knife for the one whom I loved the most, and who finally found what he was looking for. I can see now that she is everything you need.

One knife for the one who came and left. I wish you peace in your world, and a great conversation for us in the future.

One knife for the one who almost was. Here's to a beautiful friendship.

One knife for the one whom I loved parts of. Persephone was never supposed to love Narcissus. We both need to do our own healing, I suppose.

One knife which I myself put in. To remind myself of how painful it is. This is probably the hardest one to pull out.

So for this year, I resolve to think less, do more (except when the thinking really really matters, of course).

thought bites while in traffic.

the holidays are usually packed with so many things to do, but i found that i seem to get a lot of thinking done over the commute...or rather, while my car is stalled in traffic and i have nothing left to do but think.

...how do you forgive someone who isn't even sorry? i suppose the only thing you can really do is to forgive them anyway. and forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive for as many times as it takes. you can't keep on being angry forever.

so I wasn't able to watch Twilight. I haven't even been able to read the book. I read someone's take on the book the other day as to why she didn't jump on the Twilight Girls Gone Crazy bandwagon. She thoughtfully pointed out that it was less about wanting to be loved a certain way, than it was about people fantasizing about being loved by a beautiful man. I thought that was very insightful. I don't want to agree or disagree with that comment (lest I incur the wrath of Edward lovers the world over) but it made me realize how far from that I am. I don't think I want to be loved by a beautiful man. It would feel great, initially, I'm sure, but I find that beautiful people sometimes (most times) get too caught up in their own looks so much that they leave their personality so far behind. Then there is nothing left to back up all that beauty. Perhaps this is why on any given day I would choose geeks over the good-looking ones (who are oh so annoyingly aware of it). There is a certain kind of vulnerability about going through the awkward teenage years as a gawky uncool person, then coming into your own as better version of that self. I think it gives a person depth, and a certain sensitivity that you would never find in the most popular boy in school, or the captain of the basketball team. It is that fragility that I find so precious, and so fleeting. Perhaps because almost everybody is trying to shed that part of their lives, that awkwardness that I find so attractive, and in the process they end up becoming 2-cent copies of their high school heroes. Then all that pain that you're supposed to grow character from is lost. Who knew that so much profound thoughts could come from pondering Twilight?

That being said, I have underestimated how good it feels to try to look good for yourself. I was thrown off for a time there, but lately I have been reveling in how quickly it can pick up your mood and change your day. So while I have become a less quirky version of myself lately, these past few days I have slowly started to enjoy dressing up again, putting on blush like a high school girl and running around in a tutu or in these extremely high heels that I am absolutely in love with. It does wonders for your morale.

So after many, many years of being single, I am still single. Sure, seeing you the other day, I was feeling a bit peculiar at finding that we are finally at that place that we said we would be so many years ago. It made me think of what would have happened if. But I am happy at where we are now. Just the way it is. This is not quite the bend in the road that we thought it would be, not now, I think, for anyone. I am still coming into my own.

crossing the thin line from humbled to humiliated

there are only 2 times that i've cried about law school.

the first one was when i discovered that i had to retake my oblicon oral after getting flustered in the middle of my first one. the second was today.

today, i cried about a really really botched up recit in an elective, of all things. an elective that i absolutely positively did not have to take, but chose to. what can you say to console yourself when you read and reread an article and then you flub it up in recit by getting in your own way, getting flustered and then proceeding to act like the biggest stupidest blubbering fool alive?

there were kind strangers who helped, but what does it say about a person who needs help digesting something that simple? to me it kind of said...maybe you really aren't supposed to be here. going out of class, it was like having to do a walk of shame, trying not to fall to pieces. i felt a bit like a person with leprosy. no one dared talk to me lest my stupidity was contagious. i was a bit surprised to discover that the stinging in my eyes was because i was crying while i was driving. it feels really lonely now in law school.

i keep saying that i get humbled by so many brilliant minds around me when i am in school, even when i cannot be one of them, but today, i just felt really, really humiliated.