my momma oprah asked this question today as she polled the women of america on why a majority of them have literally let themselves go. and while this kind of a problem isn't too big of an issue in the philippines (most people here have nothing to eat, thus making weight gain the least of their problems), my heart goes out ot the women who bared their lives to be a part of this show.
who are you?
i keep on asking myself this, and for the longest time i've been drawing blanks for answers because i stopped having a clue as to how i would define who i was now. i no longer had the idea of where to begin, having momentarily disposed of whatever clues i clutched on to for the longest time.
daddy's girl.
law student.
leader.
the good student.
fairly intellectual.
the sane one.
driven.
with a plan.
but as i've been reminded of by mama O, so many of us make this mistake by defining ourselves according to what we do, and not by who we really are.
for the duration of the leave - i saw myself as what i did, and spiraled into a depression (quite ironically) during the fated quarter life crisis moment.
broke.
a bum. (istambay, more like it)
an UNSTABLE JOB holder.
a loser.
a lazy oaf. (hey, when you're broke as hell, staying home is about all you can do -- WE SHALL NOT SURRENDER!!!)
an insipid cretin.
and here lies the problem. too many of us don't even realize how we coast through life, we ourselves unsure of WHO WE REALLY ARE. when i was about 14 I discovered that I had no clue who I really was and I promised myself I would try my best to find out.
here are some of the few things that I know to be true about me.
-------------------------------------------------
underneath it all, I believe in a force greater than me, a good universal force which for the time being i refuse to classify or distort under any religious title.
I believe I have a good heart.
I think communicating is my passion. More and more, I feel like getting important messages across is what I really want to be doing. (yet for the life of me, I cannot give up on law school.)
Music, especially the standards, really makes me happy.
I don't like feeling caged. I like being outside, being with people.
I believe weekends are for playing outdoors.
I love easily.
My trust is incredibly easy to get, but incredibly hard to get back.
I am innately a good girl.
I enjoy the occasional social drinking, but apart from the bubblies, I really don't enjoy alcohol.
The things that make me most happy are just easy-going times filled with good conversation. Boardgames. Idle Chatter. Shared excitement over great movies and amazing tv shows.
I like to think I'm funny, but sometimes I resent that I feel I got my humor from someone I no longer feel connected to -- my dad. A lot of the time, I wonder if I really am funny or if I am just deathly serious to a majority of the population.
I don't admit it often, but I think I have fairly good taste. In things in general. (wow, that was hard to admit. I always feel like I'm vain when I say that.)
I dislike admitting this even more, but on some level yet untouched by my cynicism I do believe in true love. But I am unsure of the strength of its fidelity. And I am unsure of whether or not mine has passed me by.
Not that there has been a lot of instances of the sort, but I do enjoy the occasional minutes under the spotlight. (have there ever been any? i am unsure. maybe in my dreams.)
I believe that on some level, I am destined to be a success. I want to be a success! But more than that, I want to make a difference. An impact on someone, anyone.
I have loved, but I have not LOVED. I don't feel like I have. In the way that makes you heady, giggly, bubbly. How does that feel?
----------------------------------------------
These are honest assessments consciously remembered and conscientiously written down over many different instances. The most real I could ever be.
To anyone reading this who feels like they know me, I would appreciate any enlightenment you can share on who you think I am. If you need help with any soul-searching of your own and would like me to tell you what I see when I see you...all you need to do is ask. Ü
Think. Speak. Love. Know.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
validation
story of my life. it seems that i am forever in search of validation, some semblance or affirmation of the fact that i am normal, that I am acceptable (to whom?), or that someone somewhere gives a damn what I think and what is happening to me.
again, i find myself at that point where it feels like everyday is exactly like the one before - waiting, for my life to finally start back up again. that in between days phase. being soberingly broke largely limits one's possible scope of activity, and so a majority of my time was spent catching up on season upon season of favorite TV show dvds, and i am slowly running out of dvds to watch.
it was upon a perusal of my beloved dvd collection that i realized why i loved watching them so much - each of them represents something that i find coldly absent in my life.
a great relationship with my mother (gilmore girls)
a solid friendship with my dad (veronica mars)
sisters who will be there to talk and laugh with(charmed)
a best friend who is always willing to accept you (gilmore girls - lane kim is so
cute)
wealthy grandparents who will dote on me and send me to private school (okay, i don't
need this - but wouldn't it be great if we all had them?)
a house where i can fall asleep on the couch in the afternoon and wake up at 10 in
the morning to hot coffee and chipper conversation.
people around who think you are great and who will have the patience to listen to
what you have to say.
i think being listened to is the highest form of respect. and while i know that i tend to overshare too many of my emotions on my blog -- if i can't say it here where else would i say it?
i feel so...alone. most of the time. like if i never initiated anything no one would bother to talk to me.
why is that?
are we all just waiting for someone to listen? or do i just have nothing seemingly important to say?
again, i find myself at that point where it feels like everyday is exactly like the one before - waiting, for my life to finally start back up again. that in between days phase. being soberingly broke largely limits one's possible scope of activity, and so a majority of my time was spent catching up on season upon season of favorite TV show dvds, and i am slowly running out of dvds to watch.
it was upon a perusal of my beloved dvd collection that i realized why i loved watching them so much - each of them represents something that i find coldly absent in my life.
a great relationship with my mother (gilmore girls)
a solid friendship with my dad (veronica mars)
sisters who will be there to talk and laugh with(charmed)
a best friend who is always willing to accept you (gilmore girls - lane kim is so
cute)
wealthy grandparents who will dote on me and send me to private school (okay, i don't
need this - but wouldn't it be great if we all had them?)
a house where i can fall asleep on the couch in the afternoon and wake up at 10 in
the morning to hot coffee and chipper conversation.
people around who think you are great and who will have the patience to listen to
what you have to say.
i think being listened to is the highest form of respect. and while i know that i tend to overshare too many of my emotions on my blog -- if i can't say it here where else would i say it?
i feel so...alone. most of the time. like if i never initiated anything no one would bother to talk to me.
why is that?
are we all just waiting for someone to listen? or do i just have nothing seemingly important to say?
Sunday, April 08, 2007
why is it so difficult to understand?
i don't like staying in the house because i don't feel at home here. that's as simple as it gets.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
brotherly love
last sunday, april 1, my not so baby brother kippy graduated from high school. coming from a family where both parents graduated heavily laden with medals and leadership awards, a graduation that did not involve you giving a speech or them bestowing you with medals is generally considered a non-event. needless to say, not much attention/celebration/delight was had at either of our high school graduation ceremonies.
but watching him go up the stage and into his graduation day, i think i celebrated him for all four of us - i was just really proud to see what kind of person he has become, and is still turning out to be.
i'm not saying that there are no more rough edges that still need to be sloughed off, but i just see so many things that i feel deserve to be celebrated.
like his good heart. over hot chocolate the night of his graduation, he shared how pleased he was that he was able to make amends with nearly everyone (save for the truly big assholes) whom he had fights with throughout his high school life. i think during my high school graduation, my most dominant thought was just that i was finally getting rid of the constricting and guilt-laden pressure of our high school. he tried his hardest to be at peace with everyone he fought with, and i commend him for it.
like his thoughtfulness. i saw how he took great care to give gifts to particular people whom he sought refuge and comfort from during the tumultuous times (and there were a lot). a friend whose brother was graduating with their batch told me that her brother didn't even think to write letters to his friends, and was so impressed that kippy cared enough to remember to do both - write letters and give gifts that represented the friendship that he gratefully accepted.
like his kindness. he is slow to criticise and quick to affirm. he is easy to please and easy to be with.
like his mababaw na kaligayahan - we revel in plenty of the simplest things. a great cheap meal, a nice afternoon spent doing movie marathons. he does not demand (although he does enjoy) designer clothes, and he is happy wearing things that are not designer in the least bit.
like his determination for things he is passionate about. his music, his craft, his friends, his days with the lord service. when he cares for something he gives it his full attention, and is not afraid to be criticized about any of them.
like his inherent personability. he doesn't try to be someone he's not, he doesn't idolize idiotic role models like many young teenage boys do. he doesn't aspire to be a player or cool in the annoying way that other teenage boys do. he can hang out with almost everyone, and he is consistent with all of his friends.
like his overall goodness. his grades may underestimate him, there is so much more to him than that. he may be overly addicted to his passions, but they are not passions or vices to frown upon. he indulges in simple things - computer games, good food, good friends, good conversations.
i'm just pleased to see so much good in him. yesterday, during a job interview, the interviewer asked me to enumerate my proudest accomplishments, and i answered that he was one of them. i do not consider him to be solely my accomplishment, but i am just pleased that i somehow played a role in forming this kind person.
definitely a cause for celebration.
but watching him go up the stage and into his graduation day, i think i celebrated him for all four of us - i was just really proud to see what kind of person he has become, and is still turning out to be.
i'm not saying that there are no more rough edges that still need to be sloughed off, but i just see so many things that i feel deserve to be celebrated.
like his good heart. over hot chocolate the night of his graduation, he shared how pleased he was that he was able to make amends with nearly everyone (save for the truly big assholes) whom he had fights with throughout his high school life. i think during my high school graduation, my most dominant thought was just that i was finally getting rid of the constricting and guilt-laden pressure of our high school. he tried his hardest to be at peace with everyone he fought with, and i commend him for it.
like his thoughtfulness. i saw how he took great care to give gifts to particular people whom he sought refuge and comfort from during the tumultuous times (and there were a lot). a friend whose brother was graduating with their batch told me that her brother didn't even think to write letters to his friends, and was so impressed that kippy cared enough to remember to do both - write letters and give gifts that represented the friendship that he gratefully accepted.
like his kindness. he is slow to criticise and quick to affirm. he is easy to please and easy to be with.
like his mababaw na kaligayahan - we revel in plenty of the simplest things. a great cheap meal, a nice afternoon spent doing movie marathons. he does not demand (although he does enjoy) designer clothes, and he is happy wearing things that are not designer in the least bit.
like his determination for things he is passionate about. his music, his craft, his friends, his days with the lord service. when he cares for something he gives it his full attention, and is not afraid to be criticized about any of them.
like his inherent personability. he doesn't try to be someone he's not, he doesn't idolize idiotic role models like many young teenage boys do. he doesn't aspire to be a player or cool in the annoying way that other teenage boys do. he can hang out with almost everyone, and he is consistent with all of his friends.
like his overall goodness. his grades may underestimate him, there is so much more to him than that. he may be overly addicted to his passions, but they are not passions or vices to frown upon. he indulges in simple things - computer games, good food, good friends, good conversations.
i'm just pleased to see so much good in him. yesterday, during a job interview, the interviewer asked me to enumerate my proudest accomplishments, and i answered that he was one of them. i do not consider him to be solely my accomplishment, but i am just pleased that i somehow played a role in forming this kind person.
definitely a cause for celebration.
how does it feel to be a grown-up?
i always ask this question when greeting happy birthday to friends who turn 25. it just seems so final.
after you turn 25, you can no longer say you are still in your early 20s - you have to check the box labeled mid-late 20s when signing survey forms.
you are expected to have gotten out of the horrible job zone and are supposed to be buying important life purchases - houses, cars, life insurance plans, 2nd degrees and MBAs and the like.
you are supposed to at least be on the start of "the marriage track", and dating a person whom you can actually bring home to mom.
you are generally just supposed to have gotten things "out of your system", be better equipped to make important decisions, and know what to do with the rest of your life.
---- did i miss a tutorial somewhere? as an incredibly (yes, i admit it) repressed person, things "still are very much alive and thriving inside my system". i am a girl full of wild unbridled dreams and wants, curiosities thwarted and undone by going through 12 years of stringent catholic school upbringing. having consciensciously followed all of the seemingly senseless rules given to us by the ssps nuns, religious figures and pastoral leaders, i find myself enraged at getting to 25 and feeling that i have never lived at all. i feel somewhat caged, somewhat lost, wanting to rebel and break out, yet fearful at being chastised for wanting to do it so late in the game.
i am a 15 year old girl trapped in the body of a 25 year old person. i want the same stupid things - sloppy first kisses, awkward first dates, hidden high school romances and all the corny trappings of high school puppy love.
following nearly everything that was laid out for me to follow, i always felt like it was a good sign that i had never really made big mistakes, or suffered any earth-shattering heartbreaks. the other day though, whilst shopping at a warehouse sale, i saw this sign that resonated something inside that i knew to be true. to loosely paraphrase it, i think it said "those who never make mistakes are in danger of never trying anything new." and that's what i thought about my life entirely.
on that same day, during my brother's graduation ceremony, the guest speaker Dr. Tony Dans, an enlightened human being, and one i wish to hug in my lifetime (because of his brilliant speech), said that one should be able to distinguish the need to rebel from the need to do mischief, because between the two there is a world of difference. to do mischief lacks the nobility of rebellion - of going against the norm to stand for what you believe in. that what may be viewed by most conformist elders to be "rebellion" in the negative sense of the word, may actually be exercises in creativity that must be embraced and respected. for what are we to do in the world if not to rebel against sameness? it is those who question what is the norm that move on to discover the great things that the future generations will hold valuable.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i do not feel guilty for whatever rebellious behavior i may be exhibiting in the eyes of those who are used to seeing me conform. to me, they are exercises in my creativity, and more importantly, in self-discovery.
right now, just a few days new at being "truly grownup", i find that one of the most important lessons that i hold to be true is that i realize more how short life really is. and how ridiculously tedious it is to have to care about what everyone around me thinks. at the end of it all, the only opinion that matters is my own. and whether people agree with me or not will not change that.
after you turn 25, you can no longer say you are still in your early 20s - you have to check the box labeled mid-late 20s when signing survey forms.
you are expected to have gotten out of the horrible job zone and are supposed to be buying important life purchases - houses, cars, life insurance plans, 2nd degrees and MBAs and the like.
you are supposed to at least be on the start of "the marriage track", and dating a person whom you can actually bring home to mom.
you are generally just supposed to have gotten things "out of your system", be better equipped to make important decisions, and know what to do with the rest of your life.
---- did i miss a tutorial somewhere? as an incredibly (yes, i admit it) repressed person, things "still are very much alive and thriving inside my system". i am a girl full of wild unbridled dreams and wants, curiosities thwarted and undone by going through 12 years of stringent catholic school upbringing. having consciensciously followed all of the seemingly senseless rules given to us by the ssps nuns, religious figures and pastoral leaders, i find myself enraged at getting to 25 and feeling that i have never lived at all. i feel somewhat caged, somewhat lost, wanting to rebel and break out, yet fearful at being chastised for wanting to do it so late in the game.
i am a 15 year old girl trapped in the body of a 25 year old person. i want the same stupid things - sloppy first kisses, awkward first dates, hidden high school romances and all the corny trappings of high school puppy love.
following nearly everything that was laid out for me to follow, i always felt like it was a good sign that i had never really made big mistakes, or suffered any earth-shattering heartbreaks. the other day though, whilst shopping at a warehouse sale, i saw this sign that resonated something inside that i knew to be true. to loosely paraphrase it, i think it said "those who never make mistakes are in danger of never trying anything new." and that's what i thought about my life entirely.
on that same day, during my brother's graduation ceremony, the guest speaker Dr. Tony Dans, an enlightened human being, and one i wish to hug in my lifetime (because of his brilliant speech), said that one should be able to distinguish the need to rebel from the need to do mischief, because between the two there is a world of difference. to do mischief lacks the nobility of rebellion - of going against the norm to stand for what you believe in. that what may be viewed by most conformist elders to be "rebellion" in the negative sense of the word, may actually be exercises in creativity that must be embraced and respected. for what are we to do in the world if not to rebel against sameness? it is those who question what is the norm that move on to discover the great things that the future generations will hold valuable.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i do not feel guilty for whatever rebellious behavior i may be exhibiting in the eyes of those who are used to seeing me conform. to me, they are exercises in my creativity, and more importantly, in self-discovery.
right now, just a few days new at being "truly grownup", i find that one of the most important lessons that i hold to be true is that i realize more how short life really is. and how ridiculously tedious it is to have to care about what everyone around me thinks. at the end of it all, the only opinion that matters is my own. and whether people agree with me or not will not change that.
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