the familiarity of desperation

gasp. after the whirlwind hell recit week and the even worse cyclone that was exam week (no study days in between gedemmet), i have to come to terms with the fact that i am, in fact, turning 23 again. (hihihi. will not move away from this age until i say so.) the doom of unrealized goals are looming in my head, and the familiar sense of desperation of someone who wishes she were someone else is coming out yet again. (although in fairness to me the wishing i were someone else part is a daily occurence - wait. i dont think that was really in fairness to me.)

argh. i hate birthdays when you have nothing to celebrate. if i were to go back to the time when i was 20 and setting (what i thought were) realistic goals they would be these:

*ahem. let me get my memory book.

date at least 3 guys. (sheesh. pag mababaw ka nga naman. but...NAKACHECK!!! omg. sino kaya ang mga mokong na na-date ko nun? i don't even remember.)

compile all of my literary pieces. (haven't up to now.)

be active in a mass comm org. (cool.)

come up with a photography wall in my room (oooh. i do! not exactly a wall, but its an art area.)

go to a spa. (ask anyone. i am a spa-whore)

do another exhibit. (i did one photog. exhibit after discovery suites, pero sa masscomm lang hahaha)

hmm. but here were my generic life goals:

toughen up
take better care of yourself
think for yourself
be happy for yourself
do not depend on others for your own happiness

hmm. at 23(again.) i am...

...in law school because im scared to go anywhere else. (i think.)
...borderline suicidal.
...terminally depressed at night when no one else is around.

hay. when am i ever going to change?

BUT. the real reason for the post. hahaha. for all the girls who traversed the halls of AS (hell, maybe even LAW) in the hopes of stumbling upon MR. RIGHT.
(thanks for the email ieli!)
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Windang. Pagala-gala na naman ako sa may AS nang di alam kung saan ako patungo. Nalo-lost, lumilipad ang isip sa kung saan.

“Sasabihin ko ba sa kanya? E, pano kung bigyan ko na lang kaya siya ng CD ni John Mayer, yung may kantang ‘I’m tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here..’ baka sakaling ma-gets pa niya. Huwag na, nakakahiya. E, kung tape na lang kaya, mahal yung CD, eh.”

‘Nyeta, anlaki ng problema ko. Aargh, the agony of indecision. Hindi ko alam kung go-go na ako, or mega pa-cute ako forever para hintaying lumapit siya. E, sa matatapos na ang sem, eh, dalawang linggo na lang matatapos na ang klase namin. Ga-graduate na ako, at hindi ko alam kung makikita ko pa siya after that. Most likely hindi na, kasi third year pa lang siya atsaka, hindi kami pareho ng course. Wala rin kaming common barkada. Nakilala ko lang siya dahil nagpumilit akong mag-enlist sa klaseng hindi ko naman kailangan sa aking curriculum. Trip lang, ba.

Alala ko pa nung first day ng foreign language class namin, nakaupo siya sa likod ko. First impression ko sa kanya is that sobrang yabang niya, “Hay naku, he’s just another one of those chinky-eyed rich kids with spiky hair and metal mouths.” Pero, lola, in fairness, he’s undeniably cute.

At doon nagsimula ang kuwento ng buhay ko. Tang ina, araw-araw kaya akong pumuporma (na dati naman ay signature ko na talaga ang pagiging fashionably dugyot). In fairness, mega- inventory ako ng aking mga outfit para I would never wear the same ensemble twice. At girl, nag-panic ako noong maubos ang aking pabango. For that, bumili ako ng dalawang bote ng Victoria’s Secret. O diba, para alam niyang paparating na ako just by smelling the air. At eto pa, sa limang taong nag-aral ako sa UP, ngayon at ngayon lang ako pumupunta sa klase nang naka-make up (syempre light lang, baka magmukha akong Kabuki actor).

“This is it, girl. May deadline ka. Dapat, by Valentine’s day may boylet ka na.” Statement yun ng equally boyfriendly-challenged kong barkada.

Syet, siya na kaya? Siyempre, inisip ko sana siya na ang maging first boyfriend ko. Kasi ba naman, 21 years old na po ako ngunit never pa akong nagkaroon ng syota. Feeling ko may curse ako, eh para bang, may boy-repellant na naka-incorporate right in my very skin. Hindi naman ako mukhang monster. I believe nga ha, na I look cute rin naman in a way.

Tapos, I’m not bobita naman. As a matter of fact pa nga, I patronize culture and the arts. I read Milan Kundera and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and even Stephen Hawking’s ‘A Brief History of Time’. Pero bakit wala pang seryosong nanligaw sa akin (not that I haven’t had my share of pseudo-suitors, ha)? Duh, can’t they see what a great catch I really AM??? Why, oh why, tinapay na monay?

Sabi ng friends ko, medyo intimidating daw ako. Siguro dapat maging tanga ako nang konti para hindi naman sila matakot sa akin, dabah? Sometimes nga, I think na I’d better accept na lang the fact na some people are destined to become spinsters. Baka yun ang destiny ko. Pero suspetsa ko talage, e...

...nagnonovena ang nanay ko para hindi muna ako magka-boyfriend! AAARRRGHHH!!!
So anyway, nandun na ako sa klase – and there he was, my Chinese crush. Sobrang I really look forward to each day dahil sa kanya. At, everytime nagkakatitigan kami, I feel like I’ve finally come to terms with my reason for being. Nawawala ang existential angst ko. At kahit super-haggard at harassing ang thesis, kebs lang sa akin ‘La Vita a Bella,’ Life is beautiful pa rin.

So, you can only imagine kung gaano ako ka-ecstatic nung mega-flirt siya habang gumagawa kami ng group work. As in, ganito o:

XXX: Gigimik ka this weekend kasama ng boyfriend mo, no? Hehe, fishing…
AKO : Hinde, a… at wala akong boyfriend.
XXX: Wala kang boyfriend?… Bakit?
AKO: Hmmm, di ko alam. Siguro dahil hindi ako nakikihalubilo with other people much. Sa class nga lang natin ako merong friends outside my barkada. (Sabay tingin,with matching pa-doe eyes effect, ba). E ikaw, magsisine ka lang with your girlfiend, e.

XXX: Wala akong girlfriend a! Obvious ba? Sabay tingin ng super-nakakatunaw.
GOOD LORD, HIHIMATAYIN ATA AKO NOON!!
Sabi ko, swak talaga. Sulit ang pagpapa-cute.
But NO! After nung incident na ‘yon and as the months passed by, nag-wane din ata yung interest niya sa akin. Sure, naging friends kami pero mukhang nawala na yata yung novelty ko. Sabay kaming naglalakad sa AS after class, at chummy-chummy na kami, pero he didn’t go farther than asking me if may boyfriend ako o wala. I guess I didn’t merit enough attention para ligawan or something. Besides, I don’t really know if like nya nga ako or iniistir niya lang ako then. Or di kaya, ganun lang talaga siya, mausisa at mahilig magpakyut (na effective naman).

Pero mehn, sobrang bigtime crush ko siya. Kahit pa man din a year younger siya sa akin, KEBS! Naging fan na nga ako ni John Mayer dahil sa kanya at natuto akong magsalita ng kung anong linggwahe para pa-impress. All because of him! (sabay may-I-beat-my chest to drive the point) Kaya ayan ngayon, patapos na ang sem, at windang ako.

So, there. I thought of telling. Shit, nakakahiya. I can imagine the scene: last meeting ng class namin, right after ng final exam, naglalakad kami palabas ng classroom:

AKO: XXX, wait lang… can I talk to you for a sec? (sabay kuha ng John Mayer CD, este tape na nga lang pala, wrapped beautifully syempre).

I’ve been meaning to tell you this… I’m getting ahead of myself. Nakakahiya man, I might as well do it or lose the opportunity forever. Ever since first day ng class natin, super crush na kita. You’re really nice and heck, you’re cute. I just wanna tell you that you made my final sem in college really worth remembering.

By the way, this is a John Mayer CD (este, tape na nga pala). Every time I hear John Mayer, I’ll remember you. OK, bye.

Oks ba? Yun ang sasabihin ko. Tapos sabay alis without looking back. Hindi ko na hihintaying magsalita siya baka kung ano pang sabihin niya at mapahiya tuloy ako.

Hay naku, gudlak na lang sa akin. Naman, noh! Ayokong maghintay na maging 25 pa bago ako ma-kiss (ano ako, si Drew Barrymore?!). Malay mo, siya na nga ang ‘THE ONE’ at uuwi akong luhaan dahil sa regret if I don’t tell him. Wawa naman. Basta, this will be a kamikaze mission, I hope I’ll have the guts. Juice ko po, help me.

Syet. Syeter. Hinde, syetest. Dalagang Pilipina nga ako. Marunong manligaw.



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Anak ng tinapang tokwang nakalublob sa toyo… kamakailan lang nalaman ko na may John Mayer CD na pala yung crush ko. IRITASYON! Must proceed to Plan B.

ugh.

"SO FAR IN 'O6 I HAVE.."
Message: >
[x] broken a promise
[x] made a new friend
[ ] fell in love
[ ] fell in lust
[x] done something you swore never to do
[x] lied
[ ] stole
[x] went behind your parents back
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hidden a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[ ] got arrested
[ ] kissed in the rain
[ ] kissed in the snow
[ ] slept under the stars
[x] gotten in a fight
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[ ] met someone who changed my life
[ ] met one of my idols
[x] changed my outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[ ] left the country
[x] almost died
[x] drank yourself retarded
[ ] done drugs
[x] lost someone close to me
[ ] Been to a hospital
[x] gotten closer to someone
[ ] streaked
[x] cried over someone
[ ] broken up with a gf or bf
[x] given up something important to you
[ ] talked on the phone all night
[ ] learned something new about myself
[ ] tried something i normally wouldnt try and liked it
[x] made a change in my life
[x] found out who my true friends were
[x] made a total fool of myself
[x] met great people
[x] gotten hurt by some one you cared about
[x] said things that you didnt mean
[x] wish you could start it all over again

things dont look good.

who knew?

this whole time i was thinking i passed up and ateneo because i had extremely high language and vocabulary results. but math!!! man alive! i though i was going to get 6! who's the bitch now? hahahahaha. i shall conquer the world! my math mojo is back! (went a-wandering after the 6th grade when i perfected my math quarterly and was sent to advanced saturday school for mathematically gifted kids - MTAP). now, i cant even split a bill to save my life. BUT MAN! this was algebra! that i did! MENTALLY. i think i shall sleep well tonight.

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

sadness personified

a reminder of things i lost.

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HAPPY 64th BIRTHDAY PAPATTORNEY!!!



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part of a post by my friend on her dad's birthday, march 3. they even have the same birthday.

i will never have this. not anymore. i guess seeing it just made me sad.

this is another person channeling me.